u/Accurate-Till-3590

Whenever my mom is gonna host a party at our house she hires cleaning ladies the day before who scour every damn corner of the house till it looks like a page out of Better Homes and Gardens. No corner is safe, including my bedroom. This is silly but I just get so damn embarrassed every time the cleaning ladies go in there and see all my little kid stuff- loads of dolls, toys, my Frozen backpack, dress up costumes, and childish decor in general. Like... what the hell must they think? The only reason I keep my room like that is because for real nobody ever goes in there except me- no friends, no boyfriend, etc. (Well nobody except me AND the cleaning ladies every few months.)

I used these subliminals for months from youtube that supposedly would make me look younger, shorter, like a kid, etc. I don't feel comfortable posting photos here for everyone to see, but would somebody here please let me send them before and after photos so you can tell me if you see any difference?

If you want me to send you photos, just comment here and ask and I'll send them to you in private messaging. (I turned off the ability for people to send me messages.)

I'm just so confused because some people in person tell me I look much younger than I am (but not as young as I'd like) but AIs always guess it right with late 20s to early 30s.

I know I'm gonna get a lot of sh** for this, get told I'm inappropriate and this is unacceptable, especially for what I say about my neighbors' kid, but... I just want to play with other kids. 😞 Like, chrono-kids. I wish I had a chrono-kid friend, sibling, or close relative to have fun with. I wish I could go to the playground while other kids are on it and make friends and play with them and be perceived as one of them instead of as a predator. (I used to be happy to use the playground by myself when no one was on it, but now I'm not. It's no fun with no one to play with.) I wish I could run around with the kids as social gatherings and be part of their games instead of getting stuck with the boring adults. Just this week I planned a fun schedule for myself where I did one craft/activity and one fun recipe every day, and while I enjoyed it, I kept thinking how much more fun it would have been with a bio-kid friend or sibling.​ I'm just so lonely and feel I'm not getting the socialization I need. I want a playmate.

I used to regularly come over and play with my neighbors' 7 year old who treated me as her equal or peer, and it was amazing. Her parents, who were fully aware of my actual age, also treated me as her playmate. We had so much fun together. We made Halloween decorations, had a lemonade stand together, went to an indoor playground together, watched TV together, decorated Christmas cookies while eating icing and sprinkles with a spoon and giggling our heads off. I even once helped her with a kindergarten projects a couple years ago. She wanted me to be her sister (she told me to call her mom "mom" 😅) and sometimes when we all went walking together people did think we were sisters. But now that family has cut me off and I never get to play with my little friend anymore. I don't think she even wants to play with me. I think they finally began to realize my behavior was creepy for an adult. But I just miss it so much.

The other thing is that I always wish I could go out and do something fun in public that I actually find fun- indoor playgrounds, McDonald's Play Place, children's museums and other fun places/events for kids. Especially on these long hot summer days when I'm confined indoors due to my heat intolerance from dysautonomia. I wish I could just head to a fun indoor place for kids and spend a nice, air conditioned day there... but I can't. ​There's nothing to do that actually sounds fun to me.

I wish I could work with kids at a daycare or something so I could have lots of little playmates. But I can't be around that many kids because I have immune system issues. I once tried to sign up for Big Brothers Big Sisters, but they rejected me because I don't drive.

Can you guys give me some ideas of what to put in an ulcer-friendly trail mix? Thanks. 🙂

I've been crying my eyes out all day because I feel so bad and humiliated. The story is, until just a few years ago, I really did look like an actual child. People frequently thought I was 9-12 and were always SHOCKED ​to learn my real age. I was blissfully able to be seen as and live as a kid every day. But the past couple years, I am finally looking my age. (This has caused me tremendous dysphoria and distress and is a whole issue on its own. 💔😪) Now that I am 27, people frequently say I look 15-18 or older, and it breaks my heart. 15 is not a kid. 15 is already biologically a young adult, too old for toys or playing or cute clothes and all the other things I love. I've done everything I possibly could to make myself look younger but I still get told I look 15-20s.

Today my mom said something about how I "look like a kid". I told her that I really don't anymore, and told her about something that happened yesterday: I was playing music for tips on the street. This couple stopped to listen. The woman asked what year I was born. When I said 1999, she got all excited like "I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU SHE WAS ABOUT 30!!" and the man said he had thought I was 15. I told this story to my mom to show her that I do not look like a kid anymore. I tried to pretend like I was happy about this, like it was a good thing, so she wouldn't suspect I secretly DO want to still look like a kid.

Mom responded by saying something like "Do you still want to look 10 or 11, the way you did a few years ago?" all serious. In that moment I just wanted to sob and sob from the humiliation because she I felt like she knew my secret. ​An hour later, I tried to tell her that I only told her that story to give evidence of how I don't look like a kid anymore, not that I was complaining or missing my young looks. It turned into WW3 because she thought I was verbally attacking her and calling her a bad mom. She also said she thought maybe I missed how people always used to assume I was a kid, and that made me feel worse. She walked out and I've been crying home alone ever since for hours.

I decided I need to stop trying so obviously to look younger because I really don't want her catching on, even though it seems she already has. So I cut all my Frozen T-shirts and themed outfits in half with scissors and threw them in the trash. I put my Frozen costumes in a bag for donation. I'm thinking of getting rid of all my dolls too. I know by tomorrow I'm probably going to regret destroying my Frozen themed clothes and cry so hard over it. They were my favorite thing in the world. 💔

Can you guys please kick my butt? I have a raging sweet tooth and though I follow the ulcer diet very well when it comes to real food, I fuck up a lot when it comes to sweets. I just cannot resist even if I get pain, nausea, etc. Almost threw up in the grocery store yesterday bc I psyched myself into thinking I could eat oatmeal raisin cookies because "they're just oats and fruit". Have also triggered a flare psyching myself into thinking apple pie was safe because it was "plain dough and cooked apples". At a birthday party today, I tried and tried not to eat chocolate chip cookies and almost did it... but then I ate 2. Help me. Please. 😭

I think I finally traced my potential past life I saw in a couple of regressions. I was impacted a lot by the visions and felt like I couldn't have peace till I knew what had happened. I searched for a year and a half. I found some historical events I thought were possibly it here and there, but the details didn't always line up exactly right. I thought I'd probably never be able to trace this life, since it had taken place so long ago and the details were probably lost to time. ​And now, by asking an AI questions about something different, I stumbled upon the Siege and Destruction of Neuss in 1586. I knew about this event before, but never seriously considered it, being under the impression that Neuss was a big city, not a town like the one I had seen. But surprise surprise... Neuss *was* a town, not a big city. I talked to both the internet search AI and Claude about the details of my visions, and they both informed me that *everything lines up*, from words, names, historical building layouts, the timeline of events, the description of the terrain...

So I guess my search is done, and only 3 possibilities are left- 1) I really did live and die in Neuss in the 16th century. 2) My brain made up a story that just happens to line up with the Destruction of Neuss. 3) I'm crazy.

But all in all, I feel I have closure now, and I just want to tell people and celebrate after this long ordeal. I wanna tell my friends. My cousins. My mom. But I can't, because they'll just think I'm batsh*t. Either that or a bad Christian. So I'm telling yall. ​Woo-hoo. Cheers to answers. 🥲💪🥂🎉​