u/Accurate-Treacle-821

This is a comment I wrote under another post, but it explains my situation well:

Hey, 29M, I had crippling social anxiety most of my life I remember, took meds for a while, and improved my anxiety a lot, I am quite good without meds nowadays.

Never had a relationship, found comfort in self harming, addictive cheap dopamine habits, like binge eating, porn and scrolling, did things I regret. No social life, there are opportnities, but if I go there I feel uncomfortable and out of palce, it's not worth it.

Relatively good job, regarding money and the environment (colleagues, company culture), I don't care about it, many times it's hard to not fall asleep, or to pay attention, but it makes sense to stick to it.

I just bought an apartment, I have to pay mortgage for a long time, I think it's a good investment in the long run, better than paying rent.

BTW I was diagnosed with adhd as an adult, who knows what else I have (maybe autism and cognitive disengagement syndrome, at least I have many symptoms....the 2nd one is not very well known, I think it's not even an official mental disorder, but it sucks). I took ritalin for a while, gave my more anxiety so I stopped, and it didn't help that much anyways.

I feel like a fuckup who can appear as someone not a complete fuckup, or even someone doing good.

I am good looking, very athletic, but I have no dating life, I suck at social skills, despite being around people, talking to different people a lot due to my job, but my communication doesn't really get better, at least I don't feel it.

Some days I feel very positive about the future, other times I feel hopeless, and I am confused if I am like the miner who is very close to the diamond (but doesn't see it), or the one who thinks it's very close but it's not there.

I think of talking to a psychologyst but I am afraid my brain is too complicated for any expert to really understand and help, and I am tired of people telling me things like "you should meditate", or "use this or that method", I know it's coming from a good place, but I heard so many of these psychological methods for anxiety, adhd, whatever, they just don't work, or barely.

I get that most people don't like their job but they don't seem to almost fall asleep in front of their computers, like it happens to me basically every day at some part.

They are productive at meetings and I either barely can keep my eyes open, or I daydream about something for example doing exercises which I like to do. I guess some of them are really passionate, but what about the others, how can they pretend so well?

I am very quiet, and some people mock me for that, not in a rude way, more like a friendly way if that makes sense, the things they usually talk about are so boring to me, things at work, cars, even when they talk about travelling...

At social gatherings usually I am quiet and want to get away. If there is background noise, music, chatter, and I have to raise my voice, I struggle, it's uncomfortable. If there are many people in the group, and they talk over each other, they don't mind, they enjoy it, and I feel uncomfortable.

If I try to do more relaxed, calm activities, like reading, or hiking, I barely can stay present, I feel restless, my brain chatter is always strong, I have conversations with others in my head.

When I travel I feel nothing, just going through the motions, doing it like performing a task. It's not real adventure, seeing something amazing doesn't amaze me. Almost the same as pictures. Hang gliding? Exciting for like 5 seconds, then it was boring. Heart rate didn't rise at all.

This post is a mess, that's how I feel. I want to live. But leave me alone. I want adventure. I want calm. I need people around me. I cannot stand people around me.

I want a relationship, but it looks like an unreachable risky thing.

Yeah, I struggled a lot with mental health, crippling anxiety, addictive behaviour, but considering everything now I have a relatively good job, good family background and support, I live in a good city having my own crib, supporting myself, I don't need anxiety meds anymore, I can manage life relatively ok without adhd meds (which didn't do much for me anyway, only a little bit better focus and a nervous stomach/anxiety), I am healthy and very fit physically.

This seems like I am doing very well, but I am just surviving.

Diagnosed with social and generalized anxiety a few years ago, took medication, recently stopped because I don't have much anxiety now

Diagnosed with adhd 2 years ago, took medication for a while, which helped a little bit, but made me nervous/anxious, so stopped

A always do something like checking my phone over and over (even my texts, and I don't get any texts), reddit scrolling, chatGPT (asking questions I don't need to ask), maturbation/porn, vengeful daydreaming/argument loops (imagined conversations with someone in my past I feel resentment towards, winning the argument)..... in the past I did binge eating, that's better now, but the rest is still there, and drives my crazy.

I just want to be able to read a book, sit and chill, be in the present.

I hope someone can help with this.

Cheers