u/Actual_Temporary_145

Not personal sh related but given that I’ve used this community for a while I thought it was quite funny that it took this long for me to notice.

The fucking guilt is eating me alive. I haven’t slept more than 2hrs a night in a month, my eyes hurt from all the crying, all I can do is just cry, doomscroll, abuse substances, and hit solid walls or give myself really bad cuts. I tried apologising to one of the people I hurt but that just made me feel even worse about myself. I need help. I can’t live like this.

The abusive, violent, and just plain terrible organisation I worked for was just destroyed. It made me do terrible things, and it definitely contributed a lot to my sh addiction. The dissolution was painless for all involved. No one else will have to suffer them anymore.

Now I’ll forget what having a scar free arm is like. Yay.

I’ve stopped wearing a jacket when I’m driving by myself (it’s hot and I don’t like to use the AC). I have a lot of scars (and some scabs) that are very clearly visible. If a cop pulled me over, would I get in trouble?

I’ve betrayed my friends, I’ve betrayed my family, I’ve betrayed my life’s work, I betrayed people who were only trying to support me, I almost betrayed my country, and I’ve betrayed people who I promised support when they needed it most. I gaslit others, I continue to gaslight myself. I practiced my own twisted form of vigilante justice. I continue to hurt myself even though I know it only makes me hate myself more. I imagine I’ve made others feel similarly about themselves. I should be dead. I deserve it. Except that I’m too much of a coward to do it myself.

Who else but me deserves this life of little/no sleep, starving, then trying to beat or cut the guilt out of himself? Well I can’t apologise to the people who I hurt because they’d probably hate me so much (it’s extremely justified on their end by the way) that I’d be putting people who I’m supposed to protect in danger by approaching them, if they’re still alive.

I gave those people my everything. All of my life was sucked out by them. And then I got replaced by a bumbling idiot. I deserve this pain. I don’t deserve to sleep. I’ve taken good night sleeps away from so many people. Good people. I should be dead. I can’t do it though. 12th time probably won’t be the charm. I’ll just hope that that thing that I worship puts me out of my fucking misery instead of telling me to work it out for myself.

My mum is trying to be an immature bitch because I set very reasonable boundaries about MY OWN FUCKING BODY. Dad shutting me out and trying to be a funny guy to make me forget that he called me an incel, even though he continues to tell me about the joys of marriage and children. My childhood ain’t exactly joyful so I don’t know where he’s getting that idea from. I can’t get the image of my mum threatening to cut herself in front of me when I told her I was struggling with urges out of my mind. I know if I tell her she’ll tell me that I can’t let anything go and that I need to move on. I hate my life and honestly don’t see any reason to not just surrender myself back to the cult. At least their abuse was cold and impersonal and unpleasant for all involved and had actual reason which I understood. I’m scared to go back but I don’t know how else to protect myself. The sh has only gotten worse. I should probably go to a doctor but I don’t care anymore.

Yeah I kept the promise to my therapist and went through some of the worst four days of my life. Fuck you mum, you grabbing my arm and pulling my sleeve up to have a gawk at my scars really fucking helped. Good thing you believe that I’m a flesh and blood extension of you, maybe you’ll feel a little hint of the pain you caused by doing that and then yelling at me. Fuck you dad for calling me an incel when I finally got the balls to tell you that I felt that I was asexual. All in one day too. Dad is still continuing to try to convince me that I’m being immature and stupid and that ‘one day you’ll meet the right girl and get married’. Not the worst day they’ve put me through but still a really shit day. I hate them and I especially hate myself for not stopping them and for being so stupid as to let any of them near me or telling them something so important to me. I really feel like I need to tell my dad that what he did was stupid and that he hurt me so deeply but I don’t know how without making my own mental health worse than it already is and I’m still kinda in shock from it. I trusted that bastard for my whole life. He was the only other asd person that I could trust. I don’t have anyone left after him now. Fuck

Something positive to start the off with for a change: I had a brilliant day talking with my friends and one of my mate’s girlfriend. We sat at the campus bar and we laughed and talked and joked and it was fun. However, after leaving them because I had to pick up my mother from work, I kinda felt empty. Like the only reason I didn’t give sh is because I was in public and then I was driving. Pretty hard to hold a blade with a fucked up transmission that hates 1st in peak hour traffic. (That’s probably a problem for another sub though)

I don’t think my parents really believe that I’m ace. The idea of intimacy seems evermore disgusting the more that I think about it and the more other people talk about/allude it. I feel like I need a fake girlfriend so my parents will be satisfied with me and not make me feel terrible or ridicule me for going ace. I feel like I should correct them whenever they say ‘when you get a girlfriend…’ or ‘when you have kids…’ but I can’t.

The only reason I haven’t sh-ed yet ks because I promised my therapist until I see him again. It’s been really really fucking hard and I’ve spent a lot of time staring longingly at pretty much anything sharp but I still haven’t. I know what I’m doing the next moment I’m alone after I see him again on Saturday though.

I have pretty bad keloids and some pretty fresh wounds on my arm and I wear a jacket to cover them except when I’m by myself or shaving. I was in the bathroom and I was washing my hands so I let the sleeve ride up a bit so it didn’t get wet. My mother walked in to talk to me about something and then she apparently saw a scar, grabbed my arm and tried to pull up the sleeve further because she ‘[has] a right to look at [her] son’s arm’. I yanked the arm back and told her not to do that and then she got really fucking angry at me. I’ve said before (not to her but she was in earshot) that I thought that my dad asking to see my scars made me really uncomfortable. For context I’m 18, a male, but I’m still very dependent on my parents financially and I live with them at home because I am very busy with uni.

Oh yeah more added context my dad decided to basically say that he’s sorry for calling me an incel but he still thinks me going ace is bad and said that it was an immature decision like 10 minutes before so I was kinda pissed at that.

I did horrible things and made people suffer a lot. I’m not a nice guy. In fact I’d go so far as to say I’m a terrible person who probably got a lot more than I ever deserved. But recently I’ve started to see how bad I was, and I’m sorry for what I did but it just makes me turn all that hatred I had pointed outwards into myself. I couldn’t tell you how much I hate myself and think I’m nothing but a traitor. I see myself as someone who almost betrayed his country, betrayed his friends, betrayed his family, pretty much betrayed everyone. How the fuck am I supposed to stop feeling like this?

Oh yeah I forgot to add this. I didn’t exactly have a choice in what I did. I was basically a conscript. Knowing that hasn’t helped at all. Especially since I knew I could’ve dismantled the whole thing from the inside.

I reckon I’m gonna be rambling like this most days. I ought to introduce myself I guess. My name is Brandon, and I’m an 18M student from Brisbane, Australia. I’ve been sh-ing since July last year.

My therapist decided to share that I’m ASD with my mother who’s pretty old school (she definitely views any shred of autism as a disability and not as a difference) so I hope that doesn’t mean she starts treating me like an animal or like an infant because of it. Well if she didn’t notice for 18 fucking years right under her nose then I’d say that I’ve earned the right to not be treated any differently.

My hallucinations are getting worse, but at least they’re getting so ridiculous that I can tell that they’re hallucinations which is a win I guess. Still not pleasant seeing terrible wounds on random people in public though.

My arm still hurts like hell. Had to carry around shit and had to catch something (everytime my arm moves quickly it hurts for some reason).

I still don’t know how the fuck to apologise to those people who I threatened and lied to under the organisation. Haven’t slept well since I left the organisation. Fuck me.

I gave myself a pretty big beans cut (about 3/4 the length of a standard blue nerf dart, and no I’m not American I just don’t have a flexible measuring tool) on the arm last week and didn’t really do anything about it(no stitches, no covering it with gauze or a bandaid). However, today I tried to seperate a plastic bag from another bag at the grocery shop with that arm and it hurt like hell. It continued to have a bit of a pulsing pain for about an hour after that. Should I be worried that it’s infected?

My arm is in so much pain because I accidentally did a beans last week and didn’t do anything to care for it (I bled through two jackets in like an hour and it was still bleeding after that). There’s some pus but I don’t think it’s infected since it’s not hot and not in pain all the time and it doesn’t smell.

I still have to wear a fucking jacket around everywhere since my parents will make my life worse if they find out I relapsed (‘how could you do this to ME?’ kinda reaction even though I’m 18 and what I do to my own body is none of their fucking business) and that rubs against the beans all the time and fucking hurts.

And something much less interesting but still annoying was that I was on the bus today and some poor mother was dealing with her 2-3yo child and accidentally elbowed pretty much the exact spot that that big wound is. It was pretty difficult not to cry and drop whatever I was holding because it hurt so much. I can’t really be angry though since she was dealing with her child and trying not to fall over whenever the bus suddenly braked.

I ain’t been sleeping much recently because I still don’t know how to apologise to the people I hurt on behalf of the organisation I worked for. I lied to them and then insulted and threatened them. I can’t get their propaganda out of my head. That far right shit keeps on ringing through my head. Even though I did leave, if things go bad then I’ll just go crawling right back home and then I’ll get beaten again and then they’ll put me back where I was. Given all that, how the fuck do I apologise to people who I haven’t contacted in 3 months who I could just end up betraying again?

I realise my grammar is probably all over the place but like I said, I ain’t been sleeping much.

I’ve done a lot of terrible things on behalf of an organisation (it’s almost like a cult if I’m being honest). I was so desensitised to violence and pain and I had my memory messed so bad that now I can’t tell whether any of my memories are hallucinations or whether they actually happened. I have memories of being put through extreme pain though I don’t have any scars of it. I’ve hurt some of the best people I knew and even threatened them at one stage because the organisation viewed them as threats. Since then I’ve tried to put it behind me. I feel really guilty for what I’ve done and I feel like the only way I can atone is with my blood, which is the old way that I used to have to atone. I don’t know how to apologise to these people and I doubt they’d be too happy if I tried given that it’s been radio silence from me for about 3 months.

It’s not like I didn’t have a choice. I could’ve chosen to avoid the organisation when I decided to join up about 5 years ago. I guess that once you’re in an organisation like this one you can never really live it though.

I just don’t know what the fuck to do anymore. I relapsed pretty recently and I just feel lost.

I drive a pretty abused manual Hyundai. I say it's abused because it struggles to get into 1st or R most of the time, usually requiring fair amount of muscling to get into gear. Since all cars are right hand drive here in Australia, I need to use my left arm that I sh on (quite a lot recently) to shift. It hurts quite a lot. I reckon that the power steering is also kinda messed up and it can hurt to madly twist the wheel when I'm tryna park. Anyway thanks for reading this.

https://preview.redd.it/0v08skme73fh1.png?width=912&format=png&auto=webp&s=464f26c04d970cc30edbf8194c2720c241d30349

Thank you google for the stock images. I deleted it just now because the image didn't load. I made this in powerpoint in like 5 minutes so that's why its rather poor quality.