u/AdKey9896

Ahhh. So my boyfriend when we first started dating was pretty controlling and manipulative but I genuinely believe he had no idea in top of some unresolved mental health stuff.

When I approached him about it all he was really defensive at first but we read the why does he do that book together and it really sunk in for him. He immediately got a bunch of help, attended a program for abusive men and a host of other things to work on himself. I was so freaking proud the majority of our relationship has been free from abuse.

He had a relapse in controlling behaviour. Life stress got too much and neither of us noticed it bubbling in the background. I got relaxed with my boundaries and his mental health stuff flared up.

He’s back on track now. Taken full accountability and ready to do the work in repair but I’m finding it really hard to move on and try again. There’s nothing I can do but hope and wait. I know he can get his stuff under control again but I’m really worried it was too late

He’s developed a cheating/cucking/hot past kink recently. We’ve been together for two years and it almost feels like it’s come out of no where. He used to be very paranoid about his partners cheating on him and would put out really controlling vibes regarding this. We’ve worked through that but I still have minor concerns especially now this kink stuff has been raised.

I’ve got a pretty traumatic past around sex which I’m actively working through. He’s usually really encouraging me to set limits and stuff but he’s not happy with any proposed compromises I’ve made to fulfill his kink in a way I enjoy or am even comfortable doing.

Ultimately I’ve tried everything I can. I’ve told him past stories he claims I’m not giving enough details or the right ones and I’ve engaged in some dirty talk around it. It makes me supper uncomfortable. Most of the stuff he wants to talk about are like MMF threesomes or more extreme like gang bangs. I’ve had one MMF that I was fine but consent was dubious in but I’ve been assaulted a number of times by groups of males. I don’t know in what world anyone would be comfortable sharing that and I’ve quite explicitly said that he’s attempting to get off and fetishise something pretty traumatic.

I’ve offered to lie about past stories to make them fun, I’ve offered to read scripts from him about stuff he likes. He thinks it defeats the purpose of the kink. I’ve tried getting him to do some talk about it rather than all the pressure being on me too.

I’ve tried getting off to porn in front of him. I don’t even like porn really. Like it’s hot but I’ve only come to it a couple of times in my life. Always to girls, men in porn ick me out and I think that’s pretty average of an experience for women watching porn. My perspective on it is it only ever really looks like the guy is having fun while a girl looks like she’s faking it and that’s call and all but I like things pretty mutual which I’m struggling to find in videos. Again I don’t watch much, barely know how to operate porn sites so it just takes a while to find something I like.

We tried it again this afternoon. I attempted to find porn I knew he wanted me to get off to and talk about what I was looking at to him and I just was not into anything but lesbian stuff and that got kinda fun and I was able to get off. I noticed he was looking kinda frustrated.

So I asked him what this was missing and he said that he really just wanted to listen to me getting off to big dick, threesome, gang bang, cum everywhere stuff and to be talking about the dudes. Like just not something I can really bust a nut to. I offered to lie about what I was watching and he got pretty like offended and said that it defeats the purpose.

He went on to say I used to be a bit of a slut (valid take but not really something I’d consider myself now) so he really thought I’d just get into it. He said some other stuff too but it’s pretty hard to think about. I basically said like ultimately that’s not me, that’s not something I enjoy and I tried to find a mutual experience so why is he pushing for more.

He basically has gotten so defensive like I’m shaming him for his kinks (untrue, I’ve encouraged him using porn as an outlet and he’s free to think whatever thoughts he wants during sex I just don’t want to hear them) and I’m sucking the enjoyment out for him by not being into it.

I’ve said in every which way I’m not interested, I’ve made a few attempts in response to the amount of pressure he’s putting on me and those haven’t been enough for him. It just makes me feel so insecure and inadequate.

I’m not vanilla, I’ve indulged so many of his fantasies and kinks and wants. This one I’m just not able to comfortably hit the mark on and he just gets sad and guilts me about it while also saying I’m not a kink dispenser and it’s cool. It’s just so weird the way he keeps switching between supportive and pressuring.

Like what does this even mean for our relationship? He claims it’s not going to become an incompatibility thing after he calms down from sexual frustration however anytime a boundary is put in he just switches up.

It sucks, I feel ill, I’m really turned off by how he thinks about me, I’ve lost interest in sex, the amount of pressure being applied makes me not feel great about him as a person.. I’m so confused help needed even if it’s suggestions for him to get his fix.

Every medical provider I’ve seen has either been very dismissive, unhelpful or put my 3 year old on a waitlist. He’s had an atypical ADOS report and SACS assessment strong family history.

The standard parenting advice I’m finding everywhere isn’t helpful.

I can’t work out what he needs at the moment and I just feel like I’m failing.