u/Admirable_Horse_6072

Context: I’m (f) married to my husband for five years. We’ve done 6+ weeks of couples therapy twice now and both therapists ended up telling him he is emotionally abusive. I have been in weekly/biweekly therapy for two years. He went for a couple of months, quit, went back, and quit again after his behavior was called out in couples therapy because “therapy isn’t for him”.

Both times it happened after more intense tactics than “normal”. Once I was having a hard time quitting vaping and he took mine and had me vape in front of him while I cried. The other was yelling at me for not shaving my pubic hair when he expected me to. It was odd because he asked me to and I said sure and did but then he exploded that I didn’t do it before he asked. Very shaming/what’s wrong with you sort of stuff. Day-to-day is typically verbal degrading, blame/shame, and darvo whenever I have a grievance.

My mom was emotionally manipulative/volitile and after I was hospitalized for psychosis, she started and stayed in therapy. It’s been two years and she’s become so healthy. From my perspective, a totally unbelievable change.

I fear this has given me too much copium when it comes to my husband. What makes some people with abusive behavior able to heal? Why does it seem like my mom and I were able to change our manipulation/attachment/etc. while it seems like my husband isn’t capable of that?

My husband is an abuser. Mostly psychological/emotional but this past year it’s escalated to physical in sexual contexts “because he thought I’d like it”.

I’m just really sad about it right now. I’ve been clinging to hope that if he heard from a couples therapist that he might change or this or that. We’ve had two couple therapists tell him he is abusive. All it’s done is escalate his abuse in new ways. On the flip side, I’m way better at seeing it when it’s happening so my emotional confusion has lessened a great deal and I don’t have as many meltdowns. I’ve made big leaps in self advocating (like going to the doctor when he hurt me during sex despite being wholly embarrassed). Thankfully nothing physical has happened since I told him that I saw a doctor and told them exactly what had happened. Crazy how it seems like he has been able to control himself for 6+ months despite that being his excuse up to that point.

But I’m sad. I’ve been listening to the book “why does he do that” or whatever and it just has brought up so much grief. I would love to have more kids, want to home school and homestead in a wholesome not trad wife way and it feels like all these dreams I had are just being ripped away from me because he cant look in the mirror.

Like I WANT to be a traditional homemaker…why the frick can’t you just respect me as a human being? You don’t have to control me so I cook meals and grow food and raise our kids and animals? I WANT TO DO THAT. But I can’t do that for a man who abuses me and I’m just really heartbroken about that.

And I’m sad because I used to be emotionally abusive/controlling myself and I keep wanting to rationalize or cling to the idea that if I was able to change my abusive behaviors and thought processes then surely he must be able to? Then I get into the headspace that he is able to…just not willing.