u/Adventurous_Lock9711

A decent time ago I broke up with an Ex due to her quite aggressively and repeatedly trying to force me to have sex with her when she was drunk. This involved repeated manipulation e.g “is it because you don’t love me”, “you want to cheat on me” etc etc while she got proceedingly angrier with me involving a lot of grabbing and making me kiss her, with me later blacking out and not knowing what happened. Ive been told by my friends that apparently we were very “touchy” during this period.

The thing is before this happened when we would make out I would ask in albeit a respectful manner if I could do anything for her 2-3 timeish over the span of the evening. This was all preposed with only if you want to and we don’t have to if you feel uncomfortable. Ive recently heard that coercion can be done through asking only a few times and im worried that I coerced her and thats why what happened to me happened. I also have OCD which keeps making me worry if I did something worse with false memories which fortunately shes been able to disprove (she kept a diary of all our sexual encounters).

Ive recently reached out to her and she told me that sometimes she did stuff with me when she didn’t want to mainly because she was scared about the relationship although she said she felt a little pressured by me asking more then once.

Im worried that its all my fault and she only did what she did to me because I didn’t do enough to make sure she was comfortable to say no in the relationship, she assures me I did everything right but I feel so unbelievably guilty and that its all my fault.

I keep worrying that I must have done something awful and coercive and when I ruminate it just feels like I actually have done this thing with intrusive imagery and even with remembered intentions, I have asked my partner if they ever felt coerced by me and they assure me I haven’t but I keep having this memory of having this awful intrusive thought of “if you keep asking they’ll give in”. I cant remember if I acted on it but it feels like I must of. This is despite my partner denying I ever did anything coercive.

I also have images of me repeatedly trying to touch them as they move my hand away and ive asked them if I did this and they said I never did but it feels so real and convincing like it must of happened.

Im too scared to tell my therapist incase I am actually this terrible monster and this fear is strengthened by the fact that most of the time the thoughts feel like “this must of happened” rather then what if this happened.

Im in the process of seeing if I have ocd but right now the only therapy I’m in is a charity for victims of sexual abuse and im scared they will see my fears as a sign of wrong doing.