u/Afraid-Sort1177

Narcissism, or something else?

This is going to be a long read, but I’m trying to gain perspective. I apologize for the length and appreciate anyone who takes the time to read. The text my a-mom sent me is extremely long, hence why my post is long since I copy pasted.

For context - I’m in my 30’s, am happily engaged, and have a young child, and have tried to protect my peace for the past year plus. I was adopted from China as an infant by older white parents. Last February in 2025, my parents invited me, my fiancé, and my son to visit them at their condo they rented. It was a disaster. To give you an idea of how our week went, my dad threw a tantrum every time things didn’t go his way. In one instance, my dad demanded I bring out my fiancé who was on an important work call so we could have a \*family meeting\*. I refused and he went nuclear, accusing me of being disrespectful my “entire life”. My mom just enables him, and finds excuses to pardon his hyper-sensitivity & irrationality.

Since then, I’ve taken a big step back, and away from my parents. In an effort to protect my peace, I’ve ceased communication. I have not responded to any of their weaponized kindness (by way of sending my child gifts, and bread-crumbing me with adoption paperwork I’ve asked for previously to help aid my birth family search).

This past week, my mom took it upon herself to fly across the country, uninvited, unannounced, and ambushed me on the sidewalk outside my son’s school. I asked her what on earth she was thinking, showing up like that. “I just want to talk, and maybe see (son’s name).” She handed me a letter she printed off, apologizing for not being a better mother to me. She asked me later via text if we could meet and speak at Sbux. I said no, and the below is how she responded:

*”As your Mom, I have loved you and supported you through many difficult times. On Wednesday, all I wanted was to have a face-to-face conversation with you. For a long time now, you have not even talked with us on the telephone, never mind when we were together. Last February, you barely spoke to either of us during the week, and when we did talk, it was due to conflict. Many issues between adults need to be discussed person-to-person, not in text messages.

I brought my amends letter to you, because I did not know if you would read it if I sent it in the mail. You have not acknowledged anything that I have sent in the past 6 months, and I did not know if you would read it now or not. At least I knew it was in your hands by giving it to you personally.

I am unclear as to which actions do not match my written words. The only thing I can think of is that I made the trip to (my city of residence) to talk with you rather than waiting an unknown amount of time for you to contact me, and to try to repair our relationship.

You have never stated what your boundaries are, so it is very difficult to respect them. The only one that I know that I have not respected is sending you and (son’s name) things that I thought you would enjoy. I sent you the decorative light switches that you made in ceramics class, because I thought it might be fun for (son’s name) to see them and to understand a part of your childhood.

Adults have conversations, not just text or messenger messages. I picked Starbucks to have a completely neutral, safe location for both of us to calmly talk and listen to each other.

I am sorry that you feel like I betrayed your trust by showing up at (son’s name) school. How else would you suggest that I could initiate a conversation with you? As for communication, there were many times when you kept us in the dark about what you were doing. The biggest one was when you got married to (ex husband’s name) and failed to tell us until about 9 months later, when he encouraged you to call us. Also, you were not speaking to me when you first knew that you were pregnant and then told me in a FB messenger message that “You are going to be a grandma.” As a reminder, I was present in the labor and delivery room with you when (son’s name) was born. Your Dad arrived the next day, and we both have been supportive ever since.

Your Dad and I tried everything we could think of to help you understand Chinese/Asian culture and to assimilate.
When you were a toddler, we had you play with the little girl whose Dad translated our adoption records into Mandarin and other documents into English. Maybe you were too young to play together, but it was a way for you to see another child who looked similar to you.
We talked about your being adopted at a very early age to help you understand why you had different features than most other people in our network. Later, we repeatedly tried to interest you in learning about your adoption, but you showed little interest.
When we lived in (hometown), we were part of a play group that included Yoko, who was also adopted, but from Japan.
Every big city we visited, we sought out the Chinatown areas for dining and for things like Chinese tableware, clothing, art supplies like origami paper, Chinese writing implements etc.
During your middle school years, we had a Japanese foreign student stay with us briefly and a Japanese teacher for a longer time. Remember the Girl Scout evening at our house, where she made us dinner?
When you were in grade school, we had play dates with another Chinese adoptee from (city), whose Mom we had met in the White Swan hotel in Guangzhou. You were not particularly receptive to playing with her, and it fizzled. Later, I showed you a film that she was in about Chinese adoption, and that got little response from you
We got you into therapy multiple times in an effort to try to see if there were any attachment or trauma issues that you were struggling with. Mostly, you refused to talk and participate. Or in the case of the psychiatrist, you convinced him that you needed Adderall, and he never questioned me about the need for it. I let that go.
More recently, I tried to facilitate communication with (social worker’s name) who was the Social Worker who went to (Chinese city) and found you in the orphanage there. You never mentioned that you contacted him or tried to get in touch with him, and it was up to you to follow up. There was some big blow-up about that connection, but I can’t remember it exactly now.

I never told you that we did not have your Chinese passport. I was extremely careful to protect your passport in a safe place (the bank safe deposit box) until we moved to Oregon. You never asked for that specifically, and when you thought you didn’t have it, I immediately found it, took photos of it, and sent them to you. Then I hand-carried it to the (my current city of residence) so I could give it to you in person. The other adoption paperwork, I thought I had given you everything at one point, and was surprised that I found the white booklet in a memorabilia box. I am sorry that it took a while to find that. I never meant either of these to be breadcrumbs to try to get you to communicate with me.

As far as the 1st summer that we took care of (son’s name), we expected that you would want to have a practice visit to make sure that he was comfortable with us and vice versa. In my opinion, most parents of toddlers would want to get their child settled and organized if the parent(s) were going to be away for a month, never mind going out of the country. There were behaviors during that visit that we needed your help with, and it was very difficult to reach you.

I do not understand how our help was conditional. If that is how you feel, it would be helpful for you to explain. I expressed interest and support when you started talking about your birth family search, and would have done more if you had asked. As I recall, I found a couple of adoptee birth family seeker groups on Facebook and told you about them.

For the life of me, I cannot understand what problem you think either of us has. Yes, maybe we have habits that bother you or things that annoy you. This is true in every family, and no one is perfect. I believe that in families, you overlook these things or try to resolve conflicts by discussing them until both parties feel heard.

And yes, last February’s visit was very difficult for both of you, as well as for both of us. Before your visit, your Dad and I both explained multiple times about renting a car AWAY from the airport and how that would decrease your cost. No, we never said explicitly that you could not use our car, nor did you ask. While you were with us, there was very little conversation about anything. Because you told us that both of you had to work and that it couldn’t be at Starbucks or another outside place, we felt that we needed to be away from the condo most of the time with (son’s name). We were happy to take care of him and always have been, but it felt uncomfortable that we could not be inside the condo during the day, which we had rented.

One of the saddest parts of Wednesday’s encounter was that I could tell that (son’s name) did not recognize me right away while playing on the playground. I waved to him, and he waved back tentatively, but then when I said, “Hi (son’s name),” he said, “How do you know my name?” Later, he said, “You’re 74, because you were 73 the last time I saw you.” My heart breaks that he has probably not been reminded of us when we sent gifts or cards, or just in everyday communication. We believe in forgiveness and hope that you can embrace it as well.”\*

How should I continue? I feel like going NC is the safest option atp, but it breaks my heart thinking about denying my son a relationship with his grandparents. I hate that.

To clarify - my parents invited \*us\* to visit last year, and also offered to watch my son for a month in the summer. I never asked them to. I did not \*convince\* my psychiatrist either at age 14 to prescribe me a medication that at the time, I didn’t know anything about (as she insinuates I exhibited manipulative drug seeking behavior). My mom “found” my red passport during a time we were NC in 2023, and I find it awfully coincidental that she also “found”, once more, all my other adoption paperwork after another period of NC, in 2025. My mom brought me to the police station when I was 17 years old, when she found out I was having relations w my then 18 year old high school bf. My mom also called DCFS on me about 3 years ago bc she was “concerned” that I’d harm myself and/or my son, after I was crying on the phone to her after dealing with my very difficult ex husband.

Please help, I need advice and kind support. I feel like a terrible person depriving my son from continuing a relationship with his grandparents. But I don’t think my parents are safe individuals anymore. I’m interested to hear thoughts from those that have “been there”.

Sorry this was so long 😩😓

For context: my parents are older & white and adopted me from China when I was a helpless infant bc they had infertility problems. Still trying to figure out correlation between all this, but there must be one.

I was 17 at the time dating my then high school bf who was 18. Age of consent in my state was 18. When my mom found out that we were sexually active, guess what she did? Pretended nothing was wrong the day prior, and then proceeded to wait until I was asleep at night, and then woke me up at midnight and dragged me to the local police station so they could interrogate me and draw up a report against my bf for “coercion” since I was “not of age.”

After police station, they removed my bedroom door as added punishment, and secretly took joy I’m sure when my bf broke up with me because his parents had to get a lawyer involved who ordered him not to speak with me until charges were dropped.

A few weeks after all this, my adoptive dad asked me the most cringe / inappropriate / uncomfortable / double cringe question: “why did you do it? Was this like a biological urge or something?”

When I was younger still, they used to cover my eyes during kissing/sex scenes watching movies.

I still carry so much shame about anything relating to sex, and I’m 34.

I hate them. They’ve caused me so much trauma.

Hi,

Ex decided he doesn’t want to work, after being released from DHS detention. Note - he can work w/ work authorization, but chooses not to. He owes over 1 year in CS arrearage.

His attorney is now trying to petition the local family courts that I pay *HIM* CS since I make considerably more money.

Me: fully employed, live out of state, salary over $110k, primary parent

Him: unemployed by choice, has child maybe 30 days/over nights of the entire year for placement… last job held was cash tips under the table so his W2 reflected only like $18k earnings last time he held a job.

Question - what are the chances of a judge ordering me to pay my ex $$$ for child support? Last time he saw his child was over a year ago. What are the chances of a judge reducing his current support order?

Location - WI

The father of my child was detained by ICE and placed in removal proceedings. His attorney filed for Asylum, and 42B Cancellation of Removal. Both of those applications were denied, and he was found removable, *but* the immigration judge *GRANTED* Special Rule Cancellation of Removal under INA 240A(b)(2) - VAWA. I tried getting more information since I’m actively working with my family lawyer to build a step-up plan (father has been AWOL by his choice for over a year), and the only details ICE could give to me are as follows:

-He was released from ICE detention on an I-220B OSUP and needs to register into substance abuse counseling & sexual deviancy counseling

-No BIA appeal

-Must be fitted with GPS ankle monitor

-Must attend in person ICE check-ins

-Next check in with ICE is in December 2029, as that is when his “permit” expires (verbatim from liaison, “his permit is only good for 4 years”).

Does any immigration attorney know how to make sense of all this? I thought if you won Special Rule COR by IJ judge grant, while in ICE detention, you were free and automatically an LPR? How was he found removable, but also granted relief? So confusing.

The father of my child was detained by ICE and placed in removal proceedings. His attorney filed for Asylum, and 42B Cancellation of Removal. Both of those applications were denied, and he was found removable, *but* the immigration judge *GRANTED* Special Rule Cancellation of Removal under INA 240A(b)(2) - VAWA. I tried getting more information since I’m actively working with my family lawyer to build a step-up plan (father has been AWOL by his choice for over a year), and the only details ICE could give to me are as follows:

-He was released from ICE detention on an I-220B OSUP and needs to register into substance abuse counseling & sexual deviancy counseling

-No BIA appeal

-Must be fitted with GPS ankle monitor

-Must attend in person ICE check-ins

-Next check in with ICE is in December 2029, as that is when his “permit” expires (verbatim from liaison, “his permit is only good for 4 years”).

Does anyone know how to make sense of all this? I thought if you won Special Rule COR by IJ judge grant, while in ICE detention, you were free and automatically an LPR? And that the 4,000 annual green card limit didn’t apply?

Hi everyone, hoping to receive some clarity from others who may be in a similar situation as myself. I’m trying to get my 6 year old child a tourist visa:

Parent 1 (me): USC w/ 10 year L visa
Parent 2 (bio father): Mexican national

Child: USC w/ U.S. passport

Birth certificate lists both me and bio father as parents

Parent 2 has gone AWOL the past 14 months, and our custody agreement established 2021 grants me all decision making authority.

Will the consulate request any sort of notarized approval letter from bio dad permitting visa acquisition? I had to take him to court so the judge ordered him to approve son’s passport, and if I can avoid taking him to court a 2nd time that’d be ideal. Bio dad is uncooperative with basically everything.

Thank you!!!

My child’s father’s ICE situation is a confusing one, and I’m trying to seek some clarity.

His original country of origin is Mexico.

He was detained by ICE in August 2025. He filed both Asylum & Cancellation of Removal in Nov 2025. His final hearing took place in Dec 2025, at which point he was still in ICE detention. His lawyer by some miracle was able to convince the judge to grant him Special Rule COR under VAWA, but the same judge did in fact *deny* 42B COR, and also denied Asylum.

He was released from detention in January 2026, but is on an I-220B OSUP, and must wear an ankle monitor and enroll in a couple of substance abuse & sexual deviancy courses. His next check-in is 12/2029.

I tried calling ICE to understand what was going on, and the only thing they could reveal to me was that “his VAWA permit is only good for 4 years, he needs to check in next on 12/29/2029 in person.”

🤔🤔🤔

We are not on speaking terms, but for the sake of our child in common, I need to try & understand how this all will likely conclude so I can prepare my son if something happens to his father. I’m confused because I thought if you were granted Special Rule COR by a judge, you were automatically free / LPR…?