u/Afterall__whynot

Hi all. I recently posted in writing hub and they told me I needed to come here and get my query reviewed. Apologies if this isn't formatted correctly, it's my first time doing something like this.

I used QueryTracker to query a small sample (around 14) of agents to get the ball rolling. It's been about two weeks, so still early, and I've had two form rejections and one personalized rejection (she said she liked the premise and the world building but didn't feel the manuscript connected with her as well as she had hoped).

Here was the (lightly edited) letter that I used, based on both tips here and recent QT success reviews:

Dear [AGENT],

I am seeking representation for my novel, BRIAR AND BRIMSTONE, a dark fantasy romance complete at approximately 88,000 words.

Primrose has never been wanted. The bastard orphan of a disgraced healer, Primrose has been paying for her mother's sins since she was born. The price? A lifetime of servitude as the citadel's apothecary, trapped behind stone walls where she is useful but never free. When the woods around the citadel begin to die from a mysterious blight, Primrose is sent out to find answers and finally tastes the freedom she's always yearned for... only to be marked for death by a 500-year-old demon.

Fox has lived in the shadows for centuries. An observer of life, he is accompanied only by the haunting memories of his youth before damnation. When Fox comes across the apothecary in the woods, he's drawn to the feral, unbridled life that courses through her. After watching her silently from the woods, Fox finds himself marking her as his prey to protect her from far more menacing threats. But this safety comes at a cost. Eventually, he will kill her.

Peidrellis is a kingdom on the brink of collapse. An empty throne waits for someone to claim it. Blight slowly creeps across the land. Mysterious beasts lurk in the shadows. With Fox's ever-present threat at her back, Primrose comes to realize that these are not separate problems. They are one. And unless she can find a way to stop them, Peidrellis will crumble. As Primrose begins to unravel the truth, she discovers that saving the kingdom may cost the only two things she's ever wanted: her freedom, and the demon she's learning to trust.

BRIAR AND BRIMSTONE tells the gut-wrenching story of a woman's need to escape, a demon's need to exist, and the ill-fated romance that grows between them. I'm querying you because [PERSONALIZATION HERE]. BRIAR AND BRIMSTONE's dark atmosphere and supernatural lore will appeal to readers of THE FOXGLOVE KING by Hannah Whitten and ONE DARK WINDOW by Rachel Gillig.

This is my debut novel. Thank you for your time and consideration. The complete manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to your reply.

Best,

[AUTHOR AND CONTACT]

Part of my concern is:

Someone recently read my plot blurb from above and walked away with a completely different understanding of what my story is. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to put my 2-page synopsis here, but would be happy to send it to someone if they felt kind enough to assess that.

I also realized that I spelled Gillig wrong in my letters. How doomed am I for that.

First ~300 words (282)

"Primrose, pay attention!"
I was daydreaming again, lost in my own world somewhere far, far away from Master Palmo's dreary office. I was tired, so tired. 
Master Palmo huffed, crossing his frail, cloaked arms across his chest.
"Sorry, sir," I apologized, bobbing my head half-heartedly.
"She's always been trouble, haven't I told you that?" snorted Master Kent in frustration from his place beside Palmo’s ornate chair.
The two men stood behind the heavy cherry desk with my drawings and notes scattered about in haphazard piles. I eyed a page where Master Kent had slashed through several passages with thick red ink, then another where he had scribbled snide comments in the margin. Palmo’s blue eyes were darting back and forth searching for answers he might have missed.
"How confident are you about this?" He asked, picking up a piece of parchment and stroking a weathered hand over his beard.
"Very," I responded, straightening. "I've been working on this since last spring. If there's anything out there to be harvested, these are the places worth searching."
"But this is only considering the northern woods, correct?" he asked, looking at me over the brim of his thin metal glasses. “You haven’t done any investigating on the areas south of here?”
I shook my head. "Many species we depend on have never been observed south of here. The summers are far too hot. The northern woods are really our only opportunity.”
Palmo took a deep breath in and brushed a hand across his tired, sagging eyes. He looked ill, as if he’d not been sleeping well for some time.
“We cannot have another harvest like last year,” he stated, turning to gaze out the window.

Edit: I have since been informed that my opening is a cliche and doesn't work. So back to the drawing board.

Description:

Primrose has never been wanted. The bastard orphan of a disgraced healer, Primrose has been paying for her mother's sins since she was born. The price? A lifetime of servitude as the citadel's apothecary, trapped behind stone walls where she is useful but never free. When the woods around the citadel begin to die from a mysterious blight, Primrose is sent out to find answers and finally tastes the freedom she's always yearned for... only to be marked for death by a 500-year-old demon.

Fox has lived in the shadows for centuries. An observer of life, he is accompanied only by the haunting memories of his youth before damnation. When Fox comes across the apothecary in the woods, he's drawn to the feral, unbridled life that courses through her. After watching her silently from the woods, Fox finds himself marking her as his prey to protect her from far more menacing threats. But this safety comes at a cost. Eventually, he will kill her.

Peidrellis is a kingdom on the brink of collapse. An empty throne waits for someone to claim it. Blight slowly creeps across the land. Mysterious beasts lurk in the shadows. With Fox's ever-present threat at her back, Primrose comes to realize that these are not separate problems. They are one. And unless she can find a way to stop them, Peidrellis will crumble. As Primrose begins to unravel the truth, she discovers that saving the kingdom may cost the only two things she's ever wanted: her freedom, and the demon she's learning to trust.

Trigger warnings:

The manuscript includes graphic accounts of violence, domestic violence, and violence against animals. There are off-page references to parental death, sexual assault against a child, and complicated childbirth. This novel also includes themes that center around death, the afterlife, and demons.

What I'm interested in:

1. Pace: does it move too quickly? Too slowly? My chapters are short, and while I prefer it that way, does it work?
2. Character development: do you buy the relationships between characters? Do the characters feel developed?
3. Romance: Does it need more spice? This novel is largely low-to-no spice, focusing mostly on emotional attraction and longing. Would it benefit from more physical scenes?
4. Anything else? What do you think the novel needs? What are your overall thoughts?

I work in academia as faculty. I publish scientific papers. For some reason, STEM rejection doesn't bother me. I research something niche, funding trends come and go, I don't mind getting colleague eyes on things. It just... doesn't feel personal.

But the creative writer in me? She's basically a secret. I don't tell people I write, I find it shameful for some reason I can't quite explain. Like there's this awkward person sitting in the corner thinking up fake stories. It makes me feel like if you saw a grown adult still playing with dolls.

I know it isn't the same, and I admire authors. But *aspiring* authors just feel different. Like someone who tells you they're going to Hollywood to be an actor, you just don't quite buy it and think of them as a little naive. At least, I think of myself that way. (For what it's worth, I view all of you fantastic folks as having "made it.")

I recently decided I wanted to finish the book I've been working on for years. I've been thinking of these characters for decades. They're real people to me. I know a lot of people feel that way about their stories, so I hope some of you can get me on that. And when I finally finished it, I told myself I had to have someone read it.

A friend of mine is a beta reader and does it for secondary income. She's read and edited probably a hundred books while keeping her day job, and she does it in the genre that I wrote in. I asked if she would read it, and she read the book over two days.

She loved it. She asked me to write a sequel because she needed it. She gave me feedback, and I made changes based on it.

I'm a scientist. A single data point means nothing to me. So I reached out to another friend--an avid reader, but not an editor. She also loved it. She said it was the first book she read in a while that made her sit and think about how the characters felt.

Now I have two positive data points. Two biased, positive data points.

I started querying. I've only sent out about 14 queries, but I've received 3 rejections (two form, one personalized). My book is a dark romance fantasy. I already know I'm entering a losing battle.

I feel like I need to get eyes on my query letter, my book, my synopsis, but I find myself paralyzed. I visit r/pubtips over and over and try to draft the query but I just can't. There's something about public feedback on creative work that makes me want to vomit. I've thought about looking at some of those groups that have beta readers, but I have no idea how I would actually know if a beta reader is good or not.

For the query letter? I scanned through QueryTracker success stories and tried to borrow elements from people who received agents.

I am not a saleswoman. I absolutely hate selling myself. I have never been a popular person, and I have failed at trying to get a social media following for my digital art in the past. I don't like fighting with algorithms or making videos. I have a day job and a child and I pour every ounce of free time into actually writing and querying.

How do you do it?

How do you publicly publish your query letters for feedback?

tl;dr: I'm a scared little baby about being on the receiving end of public, forum-based feedback and querying is terrifying and part of me wants to vomit and then give up.

Edit: fixed minor typos