Unhappy.
I feel like I try to do right by people and they show me time and time again why it’s in best interest not to.
I’ve been taken so far out of my character within the past 2 years that I’m emotionally spent. Tapped out.
I had someone who I was friends with and admired as far as success borrow money from me. A month ago today. I was promised several times throughout this month that I would receive my money back (plus interest) various times and then ignored on those days.
So I (for the fourth time I think) came to where they would hang out at, looking for them since they were ducking and dodging my calls after these empty promises. I’m like okay, enough is enough, and I was told by multiple people to just count the money as a loss, because God would bless me with much more.
It’s the principle for me. Why play with my kindness? Is that really my biggest weakness? Trying to see through people’s flaws, “gossip” (that ended up being true, that they’re known for this), or just trying to be a good person? I would want someone to look out for me, so why not?
I feel like a fucking doormat.
They finally gave me the money back. But in the midst of it I was trying to have a conversation, because it’s like if you feel comfortable enough asking for money, you should’ve felt comfortable to communicate any issues you were having returning it?
Do you know I was told I was making a scene?? Do you know they told me they didn’t want to talk to me? So I said okay and left. Fuck am I wasting my breath for? But guess who got followed out after being shut down. I said okay and cut my losses but you following me for what exactly?
I’m starting to realize everyone who isn’t meant to be in my life leaves when I stick my neck out for them and violate my own boundaries. I do myself a disservice for someone’s benefit, and then STILL get labeled as the issue when my intentions were nothing but purely based on kindness. Did this with my most recent ex, who took away my freedom on a power trip and then proceeded to verbally abuse me until I couldn’t take it. Did this with others and it all went south for me, but they were unscathed.
My therapist and I have been working through the concept of boundaries for 4 years. I’m only JUST making progress, but exponentially.
I’m just tired. I feel like besides God, no one will appreciate and understand me simultaneously. Not as a friend and not as a lover. It can never be both. A lot of people lack that depth of emotional intelligence. It hurts.