u/Ainojw

I was also raped and is like 50% of why i feel repulsed by sex but that's a different story.

My mom would share details of her sex life and talk about how great sex is and how I'll love it one day too. She was obsessed with sex and didn't hesitate to have us know even when i was 8.

She shared to me at 10 how i was almost raped at 4yo. And told me how sexy my body and figure were, how men would love it, the earliest was at 8 and i understood she didn't mean boys my age.

I knew the kind of partners she had, useless, violent or predatory to us. I didn't want that and hated having to hear about her sex life, it felt wrong and made me feel sick, she wouldn't listen when i tried to make her stop, i was forced to hear it.

Now I'm not comfortable with sex as a topic and don't want to have it. I went no contact and I'm better, but i feel like she permanently damaged me from experiencing it, I'm ok without sex, but i sometimes wonder if she hadn't done that would i be able to do it? I just wish she hadn't hurt me in every way she could, including my sexuality.

Tw: SELF HARM.

She's also autistic idk if this helps. She's been harming herself again for a while now, is on meds but don't seem to fully help her, we (family, friends and therapists) think that she needs to learn how to control her frustration and impulses, but since I'm only a friend despite living together i don't want to overstep or trigger her since she's struggling so much already. So i don't know how to help her from there, i don't know if to just be a friend and be when needed and try to cheer her up when she's down or to try to help her more actively, I'm hesitant to bring it up to her because i don't want to accidentally make her feel guilty or overwhelmed by me since she's described me as being supportive and letting her be herself without feeling pressured and i feel like she needs that.

She did it again today but called me to let me know she hurt herself so i could call for emergency, she has almost never called me for help so I'm very happy and proud she could reach out because i know she struggles a lot with it, i reassure her often that I'm here for her whenever and whatever she needs but i know how it feels to struggle to lean on someone, especially when they're not family or "need to" in her eyes.

I don't know how to approach this, i always go without hesitation and never shame her specially since i also used to do SH, i reassure her everything's fine and not to worry because i know she feels guilty for having me involved in this no matter how many times i tell her I'm doing this because i want to and because i care for her, i still reassure her again. Other friends nag her but i don't see why i should do that, i think she needs support and reassurance that it's ok and where going to be for her in her every steps, specially since she's very sensitive to nagging from childhood trauma and i have a strong character I'm trying to fix in front of her.

Any tips on how to handle this? Or tips in general?

el de compras digitales no lo he gastado porque no se en qué, se que se pueden comprar tarjetas de regalo pero tienen que ser compradas por internet o pueden ser en tienda? Porque yo no tengo ningún fnac cerca, solo GAME, y si se puede online no tengo idea de donde vendan, me gustaría gastarlo en tarjetas de Nintendo pero me da miedo que me vaya a gastar dinero de compras físicas que eso lo estoy gastando en libros.

Alguien que ya lo haya usado y sepa cómo va?

TW: inappropriate behavior with a child.

I've always thought this was weird but don't know where this fits. My mom would share details about her sex life, saying how she loves sex and can't live without it, when i said i wasn't interested in it (because she made me feel disgusted) she said how I'll love it too one day and that I'll change my mind. She also would say how i had a very sexy body and figure and that men would love my sexy body and curves, i was 10 and maybe 8 too.

This might be normal but she would walk fully naked around the house often, saying that we have the same and that there's nothing wrong with it, i don't know how a good parent looks so idk what's weird and what's not.

Now i hate my body and hate to think a man would find it sexy because of what she would say and it's also partially reason why i can't have sex or romantic partner.

I don't remember faces at all, just conscious thoughts I've had like "her eyes are very light blue" so i tend to not recognize people I've known for a short period of time, but after a while i recognize them because i consciously pay attention to anything distinctive. (Although sometimes i still forget who they are...)

My question is, is this part of aphantasia? Because i know it can happen because of trauma and i already developed aphantasia because of trauma lol, just curious.