u/Alarming_Being1549

Had a conversation with my parents today and they were talking about my husbands job search and my mom listing for the unpteenth time all the industries he should look into, manufacturing being the “big one with all the opportunities” in this particular conversation, and all the states we should consider moving to. she again kept insisting that we have to leave California because “you’ll never make it here.”

I told them that my husband is already doing exactly that. He’s constantly searching, applying, and looking for better opportunities. I explained that our immediate priorities are paying off the debt we have and me completing my college prerequisites, not looking to move, but neither of those things stop him from continually applying for jobs and doing everything he can to find a better paying one.

My mom then brought up one of her friends and again started talking about how we should move to Tennessee because it would be perfect for us.

I responded that if someone would actually call my husband back, then yes, maybe one day we could move (if we ever wanted to). But right now, talking about relocating is pointless until he finds a job that actually pays a living wage. and also, we’d really like to not move, because our whole community and both our families are here. This is the same conversation we’ve had over and over again.

My mom then started reminiscing about her first job at JCPenney, where she made $1.25 an hour and was thrilled just to be hired. She said that she could still afford her apartment though.

I pointed out that wages and the cost of living simply aren’t comparable anymore. Back then, people could earn less and still survive. That’s just not true. and we don’t make a living wage.

At that point, my dad interrupted and asked, “What’s this socialist stuff I’m hearing?” He took issue with my use of the phrase “living wage,” saying that no one is entitled to be paid what they think they deserve, that the free market determines wages, and that talking about a “living wage” is “socialist crap.” and that it is OUR responsibility to make what we need to survive and thrive.

I said that I wasn’t arguing everyone should make $90,000 working at Starbucks or that the government should mandate certain wages but that my point was simply that my husband has a bachelor’s degree, works incredibly hard, and between the two of us we work four jobs just to scrape by. He’s spent the last five years trying to find work that can actually support a family, and the opportunities simply haven’t been there. It feels reasonable to believe that someone with his education and experience and work ethic should be able to earn enough to live on. I mean come on.

I also said again that my parents constantly compare today’s economy to the one they entered as young adults, but they’re so fundamentally different it isn’t funny. They were able to survive, and even THRIVE,
on much lower incomes because housing, education, and everyday expenses were dramatically cheaper. We don’t have that reality for goodness sakes, and we simply hope for/need someone to give Aaron an opportunity.

But that point got no acknowledgement of course, besides the usual: oh well you will you just have to look in the right places and keep at it, and be ok with living under your means and keep giving your resume out and keep talkin to people and go into interviews with the number YOU want and negotiate your salary so interviewers know what your worth and do the hard work go to night school bla bla bla. and my dad is all : I did not make much money when i first became a CPA but knew it would pay off eventually. My mom joked that my dad basically had to marry her because she was making SO much money at the time. They repeated that we just need to keep working hard, live below our means, look in the right places (out of california) and eventually everything will work out.

At that point, I completely shut down.

no real, unconditional empathy from them. and the thing that makes me so angry is that my parents weren’t 28 years old, living in a one-bedroom barn apartment, working four jobs between them, and barely making ends meet. They were in their early twenties and had already purchased their first home with cash during this “time period” they keep describing as comparable to ours.

Every conversation with them becomes really political, comparative, or another opportunity to offer their all knowing wisdom. There is never a moment where they simply stop and say, “Wow. You are working incredibly hard. I can see how difficult this is.”

even mentioning my plan to start working towards my own college degree hurts cuz of the history with my college fund. (them dissolving the fund because I didn’t use it on their timeline.)

Had a conversation with my parents today and they were talking about my husbands job search and my mom listing for the unpteenth time all the industries he should look into, manufacturing being the “big one with all the opportunities” in this particular conversation, and all the states we should consider moving to. she again kept insisting that we have to leave California because “you’ll never make it here.”

I told them that my husband is already doing exactly that. He’s constantly searching, applying, and looking for better opportunities. I explained that our immediate priorities are paying off the debt we have and me completing my college prerequisites, not looking to move, but neither of those things stop him from continually applying for jobs and doing everything he can to find a better paying one.

My mom then brought up one of her friends and again started talking about how we should move to Tennessee because it would be perfect for us.

I responded that if someone would actually call my husband back, then yes, maybe one day we could move (if we ever wanted to). But right now, talking about relocating is pointless until he finds a job that actually pays a living wage. and also, we’d really like to not move, because our whole community and both our families are here. This is the same conversation we’ve had over and over again.

My mom then started reminiscing about her first job at JCPenney, where she made $1.25 an hour and was thrilled just to be hired. She said that she could still afford her apartment though.

I pointed out that wages and the cost of living simply aren’t comparable anymore. Back then, people could earn less and still survive. That’s just not true. and we don’t make a living wage.

At that point, my dad interrupted and asked, “What’s this socialist stuff I’m hearing?” He took issue with my use of the phrase “living wage,” saying that no one is entitled to be paid what they think they deserve, that the free market determines wages, and that talking about a “living wage” is “socialist crap.” and that it is OUR responsibility to make what we need to survive and thrive.

I said that I wasn’t arguing everyone should make $90,000 working at Starbucks or that the government should mandate certain wages but that my point was simply that my husband has a bachelor’s degree, works incredibly hard, and between the two of us we work four jobs just to scrape by. He’s spent the last five years trying to find work that can actually support a family, and the opportunities simply haven’t been there. It feels reasonable to believe that someone with his education and experience and work ethic should be able to earn enough to live on. I mean come on.

I also said again that my parents constantly compare today’s economy to the one they entered as young adults, but they’re so fundamentally different it isn’t funny. They were able to survive, and even THRIVE,
on much lower incomes because housing, education, and everyday expenses were dramatically cheaper. We don’t have that reality for goodness sakes, and we simply hope for/need someone to give Aaron an opportunity.

But that point got no acknowledgement of course, besides the usual: oh well you will you just have to look in the right places and keep at it, and be ok with living under your means and keep giving your resume out and keep talkin to people and go into interviews with the number YOU want and negotiate your salary so interviewers know what your worth and do the hard work go to night school bla bla bla. and my dad is all : I did not make much money when i first became a CPA but knew it would pay off eventually. My mom joked that my dad basically had to marry her because she was making SO much money at the time. They repeated that we just need to keep working hard, live below our means, look in the right places (out of california) and eventually everything will work out.

At that point, I completely shut down.

no real, unconditional empathy from them. and the thing that makes me so angry is that my parents weren’t 28 years old, living in a one-bedroom barn apartment, working four jobs between them, and barely making ends meet. They were in their early twenties and had already purchased their first home with cash during this “time period” they keep describing as comparable to ours.

Every conversation with them becomes really political, comparative, or another opportunity to offer their all knowing wisdom. There is never a moment where they simply stop and say, “Wow. You are working incredibly hard. I can see how difficult this is.”

even mentioning my plan to start working towards my own college degree hurts cuz of the history with my college fund. (them dissolving the fund because I didn’t use it on their timeline.)

TLDR: My parents turned another conversation about my husband’s job search into a lecture about everything i need to do better, working harder, they went through the same things and “just sticking with it.” When I tried to explain how different today’s economy is and how hard we’re already working, I was met with political arguments, unsolicited advice, and zero empathy.

Ok, some context and backstory. For starters, I really don't want to come off as entitled or a complainer. I'm really hoping for some honest and unbiased opinions here. I've been struggling with this for a long time and I just need to know what other people think.

Backstory- Relationship with my parents has always been a tad rough. my brother and i were homeschooled, completely at home. We did not do any sort of co-op or extracurriculars, and i struggled my way through all my textbooks. We did skipped the 8th grade entirely because we took so long trying to get through seventh grade. My mom wasn't really equipped to teach us but she would never admit that. she tried her best. They really wanted my brother and I to graduate high school and study law, and become attorney's like my dad or a paralegal (in my case). and take over the family law firm. My brother did the thing and went away to law school, but I, who felt so stifled and controlled at home I did not even know who I was let alone what I wanted to do, moved out and started working on my GED at community college and got a job. My parents were livid that i decided to move out instead of what they "strongly" advised me to do. Its a lot more complicated that what i'm describing, but long story short, they wouldn't talk to me and took me off their health insurance and life hit me like a ton of bricks because i was not equipped to be an adult in the world. I ended up having to stop school and work multiple jobs instead. We started working on our relationship little by little thankfully, but its always been rough.

ok, college fund time. my brother and i were adopted, and because we were born drug addicted and were NICU babies, my parents got stipends from the state every month for us. they put these stipends in college accounts for us to use to save for college. I grew up knowing i had a college fund and here and there i would take my earnings and contribute to it to "learn" how to save and plan for the future ect. my nrother maxed his out in law school. I used mine a little bit when i went to community college, but hadnt used it since i had to stop school.

My husband and I got married while he was still in college, and our plan was for me to work while he finished school, and then we would switch. Life made those plans more complicated after my husband struggled to find a job out of college. I have ALWAYS wanted to get my degree and better myself. I always felt so insecure that i couldn't do basic math and felt like my high school diploma was a total lie. Ive bought textbooks and tried to go through them and learn as much as I can, but I have this longing to get a degree and be educated and get a job that can support my family better. over the years, about eight years since i moved out, my parents would bring up incessantly that i need to go back to college and i need to do it now, and i was going to loose my opportunity. I never knew what that meant. I always expressed to them how much i wanted to and was planning to eventually, but i have a toddler and a husband who cannot seem to break into his field and we are living pay check to paycheck with four jobs between the two of us and its just not feasible right now. They've told me to go to night school, and sometimes i really think they don't understand what its like to try and financially survive in this current world (CA, USA). The other thing is that they would always have very specific things they wanted me to do, like look at this program or become a medical coder or become a CPA, and if I ever seemed uninterested in their ideas they would get frustrated.

well a few months ago, I finished a math textbook i had been working on and talked it over with my husband and since we just finished paying off our car and a huge medical bill we'd been working on, we decided that i could potentially drop a few hours at work to take a class or two and start working on my AA degree. I really want to get a bachelors in Medical Laboratory Science. its really pushing myself, and not something my parents think i should do cuz ive never been good at math and it would be a waste of time, but I want to look at germs and cells and figure out what's going on with them. I want to try to learn math and chemistry and science because its so interesting to me and I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I don't know if I can, but I want to try. I started getting really excited about this and told my parents that i was gonna sign up for some classes and asked for the numbers of my college fund.

That's when they told me that they had waited 8 years for me to use it and my time had run out. They had dissolved the 60k that was in there, created one college fund of 8k for my son, and two other funds for my nephew and niece, both of 8k. they had taken the remaining 36k and put it back into their savings account. at first, I wondered, were they hard up? did they need the money? my shock was lessened by the confusion. but my parents multi million dollar retirement accounts had just recently become available to them. My dad pulled in over 400k every year since the early 1990's. I knew that could not be the reason.

part of me is so incredibly angry. I'm fighting for my life out here, working so hard to survive, and they see that. And they, who are quite literally millionaires and did not need the money took away my chance at getting my degree because i did not do it on their timeline. in their eyes, I must learn my lesson the "hard way". and now its not possible for me to afford school, even with financial aid. it'll require years of saving and more waiting and hard work and may never happen. but I feel like i'm almost at my breaking point. My son doesn't even have his own room. I want to provide better for him and feel like such a failure. My husband works seven days a week already.

another part of me feels guilty for my anger because i know that I am not entitled to my parents to make my life easier. i chose my own path.

I am now feeling broken, hurt, angry, and wondering if i'll always feel like a failure.

Please. Give me your opinions/advice, whatever they are. I can take it.