It's not that it is there, but when you minimize it, it UNMINIMIZES a minute later by itself!! Once you close the banner ad, it should STAY closed.
I want to chat without being distracted so much.
I'm curious about this. Because I relate a lot to type 4, but I'm so fucking anxious these days all I do is people please, because I'm scared of someone reacting negatively to me and calling me incompetent, or judging me based on first assumptions, or interrogating me and somehow convincing me I'm a morally wrong person.
I've felt a lot like a 9, but I have so much self awareness inside. I don't know if it's dissociation, but I feel like sometimes I have no identity at all, and sometimes I have one and that's the cartoonish fantasies I came up with in my head. I WANT to pose as something different, sticking out, a feeling of envy. Oh, people don't really like this but I do, let me BE it!! So then I have an excuse to hate others silently.
Especially for those who have a higher "social status" or are "liked" more. If I were judged by them, that would be terrible. Those who are so calm, and leadership kind of people, and confident that I look up to. I want to be liked by the people who don't like many others much.
You can see how this looks 9-ish to me, but I also related well to SO4, and a bit of SP4, and SX4 but only when I feel destructive and like giving up all this hard work to be a good person.
When I notice myself get very happy suddenly from thoughts or things that happened, it's euphoric, I feel like "everything will be good". And I compare this to negative splitting. The thing is, it's a kind of splitting, no? So I just worry about experiencing this happiness and if it's even a good thing. Especially if it can just burn out real quick.
But sometimes it stays for a while. I was like this as a kid, and as a teen. I get briefly obsessed with beautiful futures, or pretending my favourite characters are real or I am them. Or I am treating the world as a cartoon when I'm in a good split.
I wonder if this is a split or truly just childlike joy. I'm trying to be self aware so I don't screw things up for myself.
I have multiple modes and personalities based on situations, but what I usually try to be is variants of a funny, positive childlike guy.
I want to be seen that way, get that attention when I make jokes or act correctly. Act in a way that I'm always accepted by others, even if sometimes I put away my values or "twist" them a bit.
EX: "I HATE people who just talk talk about their 'feelings' and 'authenticity'" I'll respond "Yeah, I can understand that." and keep my opposing opinion away.
Why? If I fight I could get hurt, they could HATE me!! I don't want to be hated by anybody, unless they're a complete complete jerk, then whatever.
People are just misunderstood, they are that way because of their story; The life they built. Arguing is just blending in with the crowd. Being understanding is safe, it gets you benefits, it makes you more likely to get perks because at least you aren't arguing. You are a chill respected guy.
For instance, in school, teachers who didn't get along with most students, got along with me. If you know the right buttons to press and the right way to act, you get a lot going for you.
Or at work, people I know talk about hating their coworkers or managers. Well, I get along with most guys, and it feels chill. I don't want conflict with anyone. I'm sensitive to that and I can overthink how to "apologize" properly.
And sometimes I analyze my brain a lot, how things work, spaces, how I think or philosophize of things all the time. Sometimes I can do this to the point of feeling a destabilizing panic convincing myself I'm about to time loop, etc...
Sometimes I get angry at the world for not being accepted. I don't even know who I am yet I feel like I do at the same time, it's crazy.