u/Almond-Briwa

I've been living off >!<500 calories!< for the past few weeks, with occasional >!700-900!< days for my body not to give up on me but I feel it already is, yet I can't bring myself to maintain. I physically can't have a decent meal without purging all of it right after because I'm so scared of gaining weight. But even though my mind is screaming at me to keep losing I know recovery is the way. How do you deal with the initial fear of "getting fat"? It's consuming me and I didn't even take the first step yet.

Whenever I'd hear people say purging messes up your teeth and throat i'd just brush it off because "it only happens to others" and I was fine for a long time, up until earlier when I had a glass of cold water. The pain really surprised me, it wasn't very sharp but I could definitely feel it and it was uncomfortable I had to quickly swallow. Then a bit later I was having some watermelon from the fridge, and the moment I bit into a wedge my teeth hurt so much I had to stop. I can't believe this is happening to me even though it was expected. I'm scared because it's only gonna get worse as this is not reversible :(