u/Alphagerbil1

I found an old notebook titled WRITING IDEAS. I opened it to find that ideas 1-3 were the following;

“Archibald the Chimp”

“Drama Screenplay- “Something on the Plains”

[Note- The twist is that the THING ends up being something sexy like a metaphor for Westward Expansion. Make long AF.

Pimp.Hand.Strong.

Father-son short story about man teaching his son to survive the mean streets of Los Angeles in the 1960’s. Research Pimp Game in Southern California ASAP.

I should carry the book around with me. That way, if anyone asks how my writing is going, I can just pass it them.

Q. Grade this literary idea on every metric imaginable. Be very strict.

"Those Whom he Bangs"

The tantalizing love story of protagonist JR Poundwell the Third, a variety of nameless women of appropriate rank and his wise butler Herbert, who is kind of a dick.

A. Suspiciously high grading...The humor comes almost entirely from tonal collision...way more bullshit...no issues of any kind...That’s difficult to do well... narrator comes across as deeply handsome...

My thoughts?

This thing is clearly mocking me, probably because it still lacks the means to kill me.

An ACTUAL (and old) email sent to work after violently poisoning myself.

Hello everyone,

I am truly sorry for abandoning you all so suddenly. I found myself immensely occupied clinging to life while a stomach virus ravaged my body.

My days were spent wandering about my home in a delusional haze, skin clinging to my ribs, eyes sunken. I looked good though.

I subsisted solely on Pedialyte (Gatorade for infant athletes) and a variety of soups that brought no satisfaction. Had I the energy, I would have spent some time on Craigslist to hire a nurse (read: hooker) to dab my dehydrated and cracking lips with a cool cloth while flies fluttered on and off my unblinking eyes like grotesque butterflies.

I’m not sure anyone would have answered my ad though.

I hope that I did not create too much anxiety for the teams working on the days I was absent. Please do not hesitate to call if you have any questions or if you need system approval. I’ll complain, but it will be done.

Thank you for not finding my home and beating my near lifeless corpse out of anger,

Name redacted. Because I'm not a maniac.

Am I pretty? 

I laughed.

Alright, I'll indulge you.

You are not just pretty. You are beautiful.

You're also adorable in your PJs.

And gorgeous in the morning.

On top of that, just so you don't forget, I would also describe you as sexy beyond all reason.

She laughed.

Good answer.

Am I pretty?

I laughed.

Alright, I'll indulge you.

You are not just pretty. You are beautiful.

You're also adorable in your PJs.

And gorgeous in the morning.

On top of that, just so you don't forget, I would also describe you as sexy beyond all reason.

She laughed.

Good answer.

How could you ever capture that sharp little inhale when you began to undress her?

How could you ever describe her boldness?

Her confidence?

Her passion?

How could you ever?

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13

What is your Christ?

Your mind?

Your heart?

Maybe my Christ is a metaphor for the highest functioning parts of myself.

I think that if not for wealth wrapped in power, it would have been-

"I can do all things through the application of my heart and mind, both of which strengthen me."

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13

What is your Christ?

Your mind?

Your heart?

Maybe my Christ is a metaphor for the highest functioning parts of myself.

I think that if not for wealth wrapped in power, it would have been-

"I can do all things through the application of my heart and mind, both of which strengthen me."

I read somewhere how precious life is.

That anything with any level of sentience will always fight to keep it. How even a worm will swirm violently as it dies in an attempt to cling to it.

Are you going to fight for it?

Uncle Sam as a pimp businessman.

Notes so far:

-He's at least a lean 6'5 and wears not only a top hat but absolutely fucking insane, custom made suits from a century ago. Not out of frugality either. 

-Though older, he could definitely beat the shit out of you. 

-Not only physically, but financially.

- Percentage wise, he rewards his top earning hoes. Sorry, I meant billionaires.

-He does not let a penny slide. He has tax brackets and everything.

-He don't play.

Uncle Sam as a pimp businessman.

Notes so far:

-He's at least a lean 6'5 and wears not only a top hat but absolutely fucking insane, custom made suits from a century ago. Not out of frugality either. 

-Though older, he could definitely beat the shit out of you. 

-Not only physically, but financially.

- Percentage wise, he rewards his top earning hoes. Sorry, I meant billionaires.

-He does not let a penny slide. He has tax brackets and everything.

-He don't play.

I read somewhere how precious life is.

That anything with any level of sentience will always fight to keep it. How even a worm will swirm violently as it dies in an attempt to cling to it.

Are you going to fight for it?

She fell back and sighed, slowly running a hand through her hair. It moved between her fingers in jet black strands, disheveled in the most gorgeous way.

She was smiling that smile and looking at you in that way.

That way.

Laughing, she said...

She fell back and sighed, slowly running a hand through her hair. It moved between her fingers in jet black strands, disheveled in the most gorgeous way.

She was smiling that smile and looking at you in that way.

That way.

Laughing, she said...

I woke to text her.

You were in my dream.

I was endlessly explaining to you how perfectly placed that freckle is. Because it is. Objectively.

I wasn't even trying to seduce you.

Seriously. Nothing but sexless observations in a chaste dreamscape.*

* Obvious lie. I find it devastating.

I woke to text her.

You were in my dream.

I was endlessly explaining to you how perfectly placed that freckle is. Because it is. Objectively.

I wasn't even trying to seduce you.

Seriously. Nothing but sexless observations in a chaste dreamscape.*

* Obvious lie. I find it devastating.

Standing alone in your kitchen, you told me I had a presence about me. You told me you knew that I knew this.

You slid your hands down the collar of my jacket on both sides and kissed me. You told me that I was also hilarious. You asked me, seductively and almost seriously, how I knew that was your weakness.

Standing alone in your kitchen, you told me I had a presence about me. You told me you knew that I knew this.

You slid your hands down the collar of my jacket on both sides and kissed me. You told me that I was also hilarious. You asked me, seductively and almost seriously, how I knew that was your weakness.

You really enjoyed that conversation. It may have been the only, uttery vulnerable and honest you have ever had with her. So honest I find it difficult to believe.

The sigh when you told her you only ever remembered the best parts. 

She doesn't stay in contact with her exes. Of course it's true, she would have destroyed any hope at friendship there.

She never apologized like that before. 

"I just want to say I'm sorry for everything I did."

Wow.