u/Alternative-Ad8978

Every time I see a post about kettlebell swing form it mentions engaging the lats. I understand activating the glutes, I understand bracing the core, but I have no idea what is meant by this. Can someone describe how this is done and what it feels like?

I'm also wondering if part of the reason is because I am using too light a kettlebell. My back feels pretty tender from years as a farmer (real farmer, like bend over and pick stuff up hundreds of times a day) and now working in an office and sitting too much but, although I'm not much of an exerciser, I've done a lot of physical labor in my life and I'm a big, strong guy (43m, 6' and feel pretty slim at 210 but currently overweight at 260). Is my 16kg too light for swings?

Before I really accepted that I didn't have a general trauma, or general symptoms, but a very specific trauma I have to face head-on, I spent a lot of time investing in CPTSD research. The diagnosis seemed to fit like a glove. But the longer I spend reading the literature and interacting with that community the more I realize that those resources are mostly designed for people who had ongoing childhood abuse and traumas. I don't feel like I "fit in" with the other survivors. It's made me wonder if the framework also isn't a perfect fit and if adoption requires a different set of approaches to understand and heal.

What are your experiences and thoughts about adoption as a form of complex trauma?

Today is the two year anniversary of our breakup and would have been our six year anniversary together. The breakup was complicated and came after a long cycle of push-pull dynamics and multiple break ups and returns. Right as we got back together for the last time she also fell for someone else she had been close to in our time apart. She wanted to do non-monogamy and tried to date both of us, but ended up leaving me to be with him for three months. The fucked up part: he happened to live across the street from me in a fairly small city.. It was excruciating. They broke up, we got back together, I made it clear I wanted to work towards a life together, but she left me with some finality about 9 months later. Six months after that she moved in with the guy across the street and I had to live across the street from them for another year.

I finally was able to move out last month. Finally able to get rid of the box of things she left with me. I handled the breakup poorly, but mostly without contact and no extreme behavior. In the six months after the breakup we ran into each other a few times; twice she pretended I didn't exist to my face, twice she was cordial but didn't want to interact, once she was sweet and suggested we catch up. It's hard not to assume she doesn't care about me in the least after moving in across from me with him. That she doesn't want anything to do with me. I basically turned anti-social and isolated myself after the breakup because the idea of running into her hurt so bad that I couldn't bear being in public (we live in a town with a very active downtown life we both were pretty involved in). I still barely go into public.

I've been working on a letter for these two years, waiting until the time feels right: that I've been able to honestly reflect on my actions, that I'm not just trying to get her back, that sending it isn't going to send me into a spiral. I've finally finished it and I want to send it today. She is still living with him. The letter is mostly strict apologies, no justifications, and a reflection on what was going on with me during the relationship that fueled my unhealthy patterns (adoption/childhood trauma).

Would it be harmful for me to send this? I know she deserves an apology, but I also know I need to send one to move on. The fact that I get something out of this makes me hesitate, but I don't know that an apology is ever truly selfless—we are complex creatures and atonement is powerful and perhaps a necessary part of real apology. I want to be able to leave my house again knowing that if I see her, what needed to be said was said.

Any advice?

I am putting together a live reading of the Odyssey over the next few months. I have the intention, I think I've settled on a translation (Mandlebaum for the drive and English poetics), but I'm wondering what might be a good structure for the event. I'm currently talking to some musician friends about playing accompaniment with the story, and possibly having the venues cook some rustic Mediterranean dishes (I'm looking at doing it in a pub). I write and love to read poetry, and I feel like I can give a good poetic delivery, but I'm not a trained actor. I used to do some oration in political contexts.

Do you think this would be enough to capture the casual audience members attention? Should I pursue finding dramatic readers instead of relying on myself? Should I use amplification equipment or would it be more authentic spoken without it? How long would you sit for something like this; I'm trying to find the balance between amount of time for a single session and number of sessions it will take to complete it.

Anything else I'm not thinking of?