u/AmbitionSufficient25

Hi hi hi!!!!

(Ftr i am a 16 y/o trans man)

I actually have two problems; one, I don’t know how I’m going to ask my mother, and two, I am in fact not out as a man, instead I am out as non-binary (I am not non-binary.)

so, I need advice on how to, A, tell my mother that I am a man and B, how to ask her the question in the title

she is very supportive, but also takes a while to get used to changes

If anyone needs to know anything else to properly answer the question(s), feel free to ask. I will respond to every comment.

Quick TW for mentions of self harm.

I’m going to start with some (possibly important) context. We have been friends since i was 11 and she was 12. I am 16, and my friend in question is 17. I have autism, and she has ADHD. As a part of said autism that I am diagnosed with, I have misophonia, especially towards food/drink adjacent noises (Likely due to my own issues surrounding food, but those aren‘t relevant to this.) And finally, i am horrible at advocating for myself in literally any context.

With all that aside, onto what you clicked on my post for.

I am seriously considering cutting off my friendship with someone who I have considered to be one of, if not my best friend, for years.

I feel bad about this, partially because afaik she does not have many other friends, though mostly because I did really love being around her but I cannot deal with this any longer. I was bullied through elementary school for being “weird”, and I’m scared that I’m going to, already am, or will be an asshole to her, or cause her to have a similar experience (I was not physically bullied, and unless she actively threatened me I would not hurt her nor anyone else) to what I did if I keep trying to be her friend.

She keeps breaking my boundaries and doing things that really piss me off (E.g. hugging me when I have told her multiple times I don’t like physical contact, talking about my body shape (she has commented that she wishes she had my body, that I am skinnier than her, and when we were younger (13 and 14 ish?) she would say how I was getting “curvy”, though I don’t think she meant that in a sexual manner.) Talking about sexual content (Topping/bottoming, A/B/O, like- fanfiction stuff) when I have made it very clear that this makes me uncomfortable, and more that I do not remember off of the top of my head.

I don‘t feel safe being around her when she is upset. She has come to my house unannounced while we had a bad fight, and wouldn’t leave until I threatened her with an umbrella.

On her last day of middle school, the topic of our fight came up and she refused to admit some of the other things she did (this sounds really stupid but she was aggressively singing at me, and during said singing she called me a whore, though this was part of the song‘s lyrics so she may not have meant it???)

She has also made it very clear that i cannot trust her with sensitive information, or talk about serious things with her (this is the TW part, be aware.) when I told her (in confidence) that I used to hurt myself (truth was that I was still actively doing so, but I didn’t know if I could trust her with the truth. Spoiler Alert™, I couldn’t) she said she was going to tell my mother. I don’t remember how, but I convinced her not to.

Whenever I tell her about something my mother did to upset me, she brings up the fact that her own mother is dead. Both of us only have one parent.

She is not very hygienic, and often picks her nose, puts her fingers in her mouth, and she doesn’t wash her hands when she should. She has tried to, and has, touched me before washing her hands, which really grosses me out.

She also bakes a lot, and when I have baked with her, she has eaten the batter/dough with her fingers, and didn’t wash her hands until I told her to.

Both me and her give gifts to people we are friends with, and whenever she wants something that I have, she holds the fact that “she gives me more things than I give her” over my head, which, even if this is true (I wouldn’t know, I don‘t count who gifts the most???) isn’t how giving gifts works?????

Whenever I have eaten near her, whether during school lunch, or at her house (my mother doesn’t like her so she doesn’t come over to my house much,) she chews with her mouth open. I have asked her to chew with her mouth closed so many times, and she never does until I remind her, and a few minutes later, she always goes back to doing it.

But I still don’t want to stop being friends with her. I care about her, I know she cares about me.

I know what it’s like to have no friends, and I know what it’s like to only have one friend, But I also know what it’s like to have a ”friend” who doesn’t like you.

i don’t want her to experience any of these, but I think it‘s the point where I have to choose which one.

Again, I am not her only friend, but she has said I have been her friend for the longest, and that she doesn’t have many others.

I really don’t what to do.

Also, English is my first language, I just suck at it, and I apologize for the (excessive) use of parenthesis, and commas. Also, if my writing comes off as particularly “tumbler user” like, this is because I am.

TLDR, my friend keeps breaking my boundaries and hasn’t stopped when I have asked her to. Otherwise she is nice and I don’t want to stop being her friend, and I don’t know what to do.