u/AnxietyMostofTheTime

Honestly I did something I never do. I went and got a vape pen containing THC. (I already know vaping is hard on the lungs). I did it because I had a meltdown, like when is it any different huh? The other day when I vaped just a little bit I started thinking more. And I brought up the gravity of my situation to a family member, and I felt more scared about it than normal.

But other times, I’ll vape and it helps me fall asleep. My wife doesn’t agree with it, and I recently had an increase in dosage on my antidepressant (I know), so I’ve just been feeling off in general and acting different (like buying THC pens).

This is like throwing a monkey wrench into the gears or did it help you?

Without saying too much, I’m just going to say at one point I was prescribed 4mg Xanax. Now I’m on 20mg Diazepam under a psychiatrists. I’ve been dependent on Benzos for 9 years. Been giving most of all popular SSRIs, all of that.

Now I’m at the point to where I have to taper. I can’t let another 5-10 years pass.

I tried once in 2021 while taking Klonopin. Ended up in psych ward because it was unsupervised at things went to hell.

Now, 5 years later, I’m just leaning on diazepam at this point and it doesn’t cover the panic and anxiety I carry like I would like.

So it’s time. But I’m so terrified. I have a wife, I have my small business, I have financial responsibilities. When I ended up in the psych ward, I felt so ashamed because of what I’d been putting my family through.

I’m just terrified. Although I plan on going very slowly as I cannot forget what happened the last time. But I know, even then, I will be affected because my panic and anxiety levels have always been off the charts.

I just need some encouragement.

I’ve been cycled through all the popular antidepressants. Up the dose, switch to next. Personality switches nearly every time. Getting off, going through withdrawal, just a rat on a spinning wheel. I was prescribed benzos, addicted. Looking forward to that withdrawal (no I’m not, it’s going to wreck me). It’s been 9 years since I was first prescribed any of this crap. The anxiety is never ending. The depression just waits for me as soon as I wake up.

I’m married, have a small business (probably the most stressful part), a home but the depression and anxiety do not go away. The problems I have have crushed me and will probably keep on doing so. I’ve almost stopped caring. I don’t know right now. I’ve been here before, and it hasn’t changed, unfortunately.

So as I’m sure is normal, I’m new to timeshare and got one through Pueblo Bonita in Mexico. Not much was really explained, I didn’t know what to ask (we were introduced as soon as we got off the plane).

Other than using the hotel for a stay, what else can I do with it? I see people renting it or selling it.

I’ll be investigating more but it is typically difficult to get out of a contract like that?

I should’ve expected this but now the salesman has blocked my number when I’ve just been asking basic questions, so there’s that.

I see people posting very tiny doses. I’m going to be tapering but even now, at 10mg diazepam x2 a day, I feel like any lowering will kill me. I already feel like death. I can’t do major cuts.

Don’t read if you’re already not feeling well.

I can’t really remember anymore. 9 years I think since I was prescribed Xanax. After so many changes, SSRIs, antipsychotics.. even an antihistamine.. I’m just tired. Weak.

I was up to 4mg Xanax. Then to Klonopin, then to diazepam. I’m where I can taper now. 20mg a day of diazepam. I just don’t have the energy anymore. The mental anguish. The physical stress.

Diazepam “lasts 80 hours in your blood”, I know. I feel some relief for about 3-5 hours. 2-3 being peak relief of anxiety. I don’t know how I’m going to taper and keep my mind intact. My doctor is willing to work with me but I only have 10mg tablets to work with. I’m married, have a small business.. people relying on me. The road to get to 20mg diazepam was hell and I’m scared to keep going. I feel stuck, confused, can’t sleep and always so stressed out.