u/Apatoilla

Edit: i misswrote the title: i hate those around me for being healthy in a way ill never be

So i have HSD and some form of dysautonomia which im in the process of being diagnosed. I have chronic pain but i can still somewhat manage to live a normal life as someone who does contortion.

I love to do contortion and im performing an act about my chronic pain tomorrow. Ironically enough im in too much pain to properly train for the act about my chronic pain.

I have an aquantance (not friend because i kinda dislike her) who is completely able bodied and in recovery for an ED which im proud of her of. However i get so angry whenever i see her do contortion style tricks because she is so good in a way ill never be. She has no pain, no subluxations, no passing out. I hate it so much whenever she comes up to me during training and just does the trick im destroying myself to be able to so.

I get so angry whenever she complains to me about being in pain from acute injuries or when she tells me about her struggles with food or when she boasts about things. I sympathise with her but i get so angry towards her because i would kill to be healthy like that. I would kill to be able to train and progress and be able to be free enough to pursue what i love.

If i was in her body i could so fucking much and here she is just showing off the trick ive been fighting to so in her first try? No pain and no suffering? No feeling like her joints are going to fucking break? I hate her so much for being so healthy. I hate her for being healthy enough to destroy her body and then just fucking bounce back like nothing.

I fucking hate her so much for being so healthy. I hate her for being so strong. I hate her for the fact that ill never be able to perform or train contortion consistantly without destroying myself. I hate her so fucking much and its not fair at all because its not her fault.

I feel like a terrible person, externally i try to be as kind to her as i can be but inside im fucking seething whenever im around her. I just wish i could have that. I wish i could be able to perform without so much pain. I wish i could go to professional level contortion and i cant. I hate seeing her fly so far when my wings are breaking apart at the seams.

As the title says i wanna trade by Feebas into a miliotic but im terrified to do so because i worked hard to get her. Would anyone like to trade for her to evolve? I have some legendaries i can trade like Yveltal or Groudon in exchange.

Thank you so much in advance

Tw: brief mention of suicidal thoughts.

So i am in the process of being diagnosed for PTSD and alot of things are coming out, specifically how fractured i usually feel.

So for more context i broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago, mostly because we are too different politically and also because my mental health is spiraling and i dont want to affect him more than i already do. The stress of the breakup caused a breakdown/episode and talking about it with my therapist made us realise that there might be some form of dissasociation happening because i feel like im being yanked in different directions by different fragments who all want different things.

I sat down and really thought about how i feel and what i feel and managed to separate atleast 8 fragments who all want different things and who all think differently, but there isnt a full switch? Its more like, my internal monolouge and the way i think and react about a situation will shift suddenly depending on whats happening and i didnt realize that might not be normal until i talked with my therapist since this has been happening since i was like, 11?

The 8 main fragments i managed to peice together are:

The Moon: happy and calm, usually when im with friends or family or just chilling, main one i guess?

The logic: clinical and rational decision maker and analyser, usually focuses on processing events and finding the sense in anything. i guess the one trying to figure this out along with Moon and maybe also Starlette and Wonder.

The Starlette: desperate to be loved and often acts on impulse, most empathetic and wants to keep everyone around them happy no matter the cost. The main one who despises going to therapy and especailly breaking up because it means hurting my ex and no longer being 'loved'. Caused me to go back to him 2 times out of desperation.

The Wonder: creative side and finds the joy and wonder in litterally anything. Fascinated in anything to do with nature and science, works with logic and abyss to write stories. Currently wanting to do anything other than deal with my schoolwork or this whole thing despite being fascinated by it.

The Judge: brash and hotheaded, extremely focused on whats right and wrong. Main one who wanted to break up once i realized the different in politican opinions. Refuses to back down at all and is extremely internally vocal about how stupid i am for going back to him.

The Abyss: main one dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. Keeps wanting to go to the sea whenever i get sad or overthink. Very self destructive.

The Void: total rejection of emotions what so ever. Has no internal voice but shuts down my feelings whenever i get overwhelmed. Usually comes out whenever i need to deal with things with Logic. Also the main one who causes separation between my body and mind.

The beast: Fight or flight, mainly fight. Wants total freedom from everything and would rather die than be controlled by anyone. Has begun to hate my ex as she see it as someone who wants to controll me. Has the clearest switch because i immidiatly go into full defensive mode and get adrenaline rushes.

Usually i cant even notice the shifts from fragment to fragment because they work together so well, but now all of them are so loud and each think they know best about the situation and refuse accept anything. Starling wants me to get back together with him, Beast and Judge are completely against it and even want me to cut all contact, Abyss wants everything to go away, Wonder doesnt really care, Moon still wants us to be friends because we have fun and i care for him. Void has no voice and Logic, which i guess is the one most present now, is stuck in the middle trying to figure out what to do.

Its also confusing because its never been this loud before and i have no idea what to do. Its so exaughsting to have to listen to all of these thoughts and figure out which one is correct while also realizing that they may be a result of an another mental issue and not just my amazing 100% foolproof way of dealing with any and all situations by thinking of it from every angle i can think of.

Im so tired, i guess we are so tired. I (mostly judge and logic) also wanna hit Starlette with a frying pan for being so needy and putting us/me in danger, again.