u/Appropriate-Ad-6996

And I truly feel like I came out looking like the bad guy to all of our friends because I blew up over what most people would consider a small comment.

But its a small comment every day, for years. I dont know how to express how much it hurts.

She has something negative to say about everything we do or go to. It doesnt matter what it is, somehow there's a reason why it isnt enough for her. And she said something again at an outing last weekend and I just broke inside. "Im glad you're having fun with your friends but this event sucks." -- this being said after multiple outings that week had ended in negativity. I missed a day of the outing already due to managing her emotions. Of course I know its the illness but I was drinking and trying to celebrate my friend on her birthday. I stepped away to the bathroom to sort my feelings, and came back feeling worse. She noticed.

She already knew I was upset about her comment. But in that moment she decided to come up to me and be essentially mad at me for having those feelings. "You've seriously been spiraling since I said that?" Like, yeah. I have. And I was ready to try and turn it around and enjoy my time until she came at me with that. Ive never felt so... disconnected. And in the moment, I felt like I couldnt be with someone who spoke to me like that. So I said the first words that came to me -- I told her I wanted to separate.

Then the night ended in a whirlwind of emotions. She did not give me space, and I eventually ended up screaming at her in public in front of the venue because she once again tried to gaslight me. Every time, she says she 'never said it like that', and that Im making up meaning behind different words. No. Ive questioned my judgement for too long. I know what she said word for word, and Im done with the gaslighting. It happens every time I have a reaction to the negativity... Eventually the night ended up in her being stranded in her car in a mental crisis, because she was trying to find me in the city (convinced I was wandering drunk and alone when I was with friends, as I have a history of this, unfortunately).

The other part of it is the "Im just being honest", and her feeling like shes restricted in what she can say to me... I can take honesty, and I can take her moods. You can say its not your thing, but thats not the way it was said at all. The way you say things matter. And it wasn't that, at the end of the day, it was everything that followed.

Eventually we talked in the morning, and we are still together. Despite everything I still love her and want to take care of her. She has supported me in some dark times too in the past. We are both trying to get into mental health help, but right now its slow to get the appointments because we are living paycheck to paycheck.

It just extra hurts when shes telling the story to our mutual friends and she's minimizing her accountability for her mental illness and negativity by saying she was just negative for the week leading up to this, when we both know its been ongoing and getting worse for over a year. Im tired, man. I cant say all the blame is on her since I didnt regulate my emotions well enough in the moment, and I havent always been the best at handing hers, but I at least want her to take accountability for the leaking faucet of negative emotions she puts on me.

I manage my own (high functioning) depression and hers. Im the sole worker of the house (she does some work from home but its gig based and she has not been able to motivate herself to be on it for the last couple of months). Ive been the only one cleaning and cooking. I havent been able to have any time to myself between all of these things + entertaining her and her hobbies. I manage her emotions all morning while I am supposed to be working from home, and then end up working without sleeping all night to catch up on my hours, to do it again the next day. If I try to drive into work, I end up driving home within the first 4 hours because she has called me saying shes suicidal. Ive tried to make work boundaries but they just dont end up working. I wont lie when I say I feel like Im drowning.

And while it is my responsibility as a partner to support her in all of this, I cant help but feel that Im constantly getting the short end of the stick with no end in sight. I could do it forever if I knew there was some progress being made, but right now it feels like regression.

At the end of the day, I am still here for her. Im just waiting until my next paycheck so I can pay out of pocket for her to go to appointments for medication and therapy, and then I can get my therapy appointment.

Im not looking for judgements or advice. Im aware I come across as bitter and our relationship isnt perfect. I just want to vent because I cant tell my friends any of this. They are rightfully upset to have to deal with both of us when they were supposed to have a fun night out. My wife is right to be upset about the night she had when no one checked on her when she was alone and in crisis. Im not a perfect person and definitely contributed to the mess that was that night. I just want this moment to pass. I want to stop feeling like a horrible person for reaching a breaking point I wish I never made it to.

But id love to hear that Im not alone. That maybe it gets better. That someone has been through it all before. I dont know.