u/Appropriate_Cress628

Content Warning: Hate and Sexual Speech

I am hoping that the mods here will allow this post.
The intended focus is my language, not sex/kink.

I don’t know what’s come over me. Over the past year, I (white 38m) like to call a phone sex line and then, once I’ve been speaking to another white person for a few minutes, I find it a thrill to nonchalantly use the word “n-“. (Eg “Have you ever experienced n- genitals?”)

I hate this. I hate this so much. My “post-deed clarity” of how immoral this is weighs extremely heavily on my conscience. There is absolutely no other area of my life where I want to use this word, nor any area of my life in which I’m even tempted to use it. But when I’m in the act, I love saying the word so much.

ETA: I am never tempted and I have no desire to use this word with non-white people. I understand this doesn’t make my issue “less bad,” but I just cannot stress enough that I do NOT say it unless the other person has said they are white.

ETA: I’ll be talking about this with my therapist at my next session next week. I know this is fucked up.

I am a very large man (American of course, haha).

I am considering going to Therme Wien or a similar place next month, and I am wondering if anyone knows what the experience is like for fat people?
Would I be welcome?
Do the other guests even care about what I look like?
Will people discourage me from entering?

I do not mind people staring at me, I am used to it. I am considered very large even in the States. I just want to relax.

(Editing to add: I do understand that hygiene/cleanliness, staying quiet, and not staring at others are all expected. I have experienced nude social environments, but never yet in Austria.)

Danke!

Big guy here, wondering where on the a321neo might be the least uncomfortable? Room side-to-side is more important to me than leg room. TIA