About to graduate college...not sure how to keep going
I'm about to graduate college and I just look back at the last 4 years with so much despair and genuinely anger at myself and the way things turned out. I dealt with an abusive roommate my freshmen year who absolutely deteriorated my mental health, then moved out when she assaulted me, with only about 6 weeks left of the year.
I then moved in with girls my sophomore year who I hated about 3 months into my freshmen year, but due to the awful situation I was already in, I was scared to sign up to live with anyone other than them and my stupid naive self thought that it would be okay. Spoiler alert: it was the worst year of my life. They would verbally abuse me and say such awful things about me and honestly about each other all the time. I have so many screenshots from one of them about the texts that another one would send about me to her boyfriend, and honestly reading them made me feel so awful. Imagine someone who was supposedly supposed to be one of your closest friends genuinely calling you a terrible person, broke (I was on financial aid and she knew that), and a slew of profanities that I have no desire to repeat. I had to leave for three weeks that first quarter because my mental health had never been so bad. I went home, came back to college the morning of my finals, failed one class, withdrew from the other and got a C+ in the last one that I had a 100% in prior to that final. We then had a massive argument and I ended up never speaking to them again (thank god!) but I did have to live with them for about 4 more months after that. Needless to say, my mental health never fully recovered, and I still spiral every time I see one of them. It's incredibly frustrating to see people who have caused you so much trauma get to live their best lives when you feel filled with rage at the sight of them and feel like vomiting.
My junior year, I finally ended up with a good roommate, but then started my PMDD symptoms. With the quarter system, I always ended up having midterms at some point during my PMDD cycle, and they were generally so bad that I couldn't even lift a pencil up and I would spend all day in bed sobbing my eyes out. Yeah, that year didn't go so well either school wise.
This last year, I randomly get hit with a strew of health issues, spending my first quarter not being able to get out of bed.
And there goes another year of having a shit GPA. I'm ending with about a 3.46, unless I get all A's this last quarter which will put me at exactly! a 3.5.
I feel like such a failure for going through college and not doing well in anything. I never joined many clubs, and the ones I was in I never committed to all the way so I also never made really good friends. I definitely have made some really good friends in college, but even then I never had a good friend group of people like I was expecting going into college, the type that you would be able to spring break with.
I'm going straight into the workforce at the top company for my industry, with no prior experience in the field at all, in a job I got with no connections. I know everyone keeps telling me to be proud of that, but it's so hard to when I feel like the past four years have done nothing but put me through hell and I'm so scared that post grad will be the same. What if I never find those friends, what if I never get my masters because I messed up so bad in undergrad. My college was my dream college my entire life, and somehow my experience has been a nightmare.