u/Aquamarine-oo

My Nmom has this weird thing with genetics and what traits I got from who. Anytime I have an issue it’s “Well you didn’t get that from ME” / “Must be your dads genes” / “Well everyone on OUR side of the family has always been healthy and happy”, as a way of deflecting from any kind of responsibility to her influence on my upbringing.

On the flip side she can turn any achievement of mine into a complement on her amazing parenting and incredible bloodline, like when I graduated from my masters it was “Because you have amazing genes” / “You got that from me”.

Even physically, she will say my “attractive” physical traits are her doing and my “unattractive” traits my dad’s fault, like at 12 she suggested I get Botox when I’m older to deter from my low brow I got from my father. Or when complemented; “she got that from her mother”.

In reality my mother’s side of the family has a long history of ignored mental health issues, and abusive family dynamics.

It’s been happening my whole life but it’s only within the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about how weird it truly is.

So my (F28) parents divorced in 2020 and while that’s a whole other can of worms the TLDR on that is: Parents were married 27 years (but the last 10 were entirely loveless), my dad leaves my mom during covid, my dad gets the house for financial reasons, my mom moves into an apartment in the city I live in.

My relationship to both of my parents was extremely strained at that point. On my dad’s part for the obvious abandonment issues (even though I’m a young adult and have lived independently for some time) and resentment for splitting the family.

On my mom’s part for how she uses me as a therapist and friend. It was really hard in the beginning and I basically moved back in with my mom and didn’t see or speak to my dad for about a year. Not for his lack of trying but in solidarity with my mom.

Today, I have a *I would say* pretty good relationship with both of my parents. My dad has really stepped up and been the stable parental figure I needed through my mid twenties as I was the victim of assault that has colored my life with ptsd since.

His (live in) girlfriend of 5 years is a great person and she has also come to mean a lot to me as an emotionally stable parental figure. And together with my partner, we have a good relationship where we always look forward to visiting.

I live close by my mom so I like to see her weekly or more. Coffee and breakfast at a cafe on a Sunday or swinging by around lunch kind of thing. We do the crosswords together, talk about celebrity gossip and whatever small things but that’s it.

I have learned through the years that she can’t be my emergency contact but I very much am hers.

I never ever bring up my father around my mom because it will turn into insults and a dissecting of 10+ year old events to prove he was a terrible father, and the only time they’ve ever been together for my sake since the divorce was my masters graduation.

Second reason why my mom hates my dad tldr:

Parents worked together for 30+ years, my dad’s girlfriend has also been a coworker of theirs for 25 years and they all used to be friends. My mom ended up leaving that job, because it eventually became too stressful to interact every day (understandable). Allegedly no cheating but you can guess that two married people who end their marriages in the same 3 year span and then move in together a year after the divorce is final is definitely at least an emotional involvement.

My dad or his girlfriend has never said anything but kind words about my mom in my presence and have never not been anything but helpful to me or my mom after the divorce. My mom obviously hates them both.

Anyway yeah around a month ago I mentioned the guest list for my small wedding in the fall.

Small courthouse wedding and a reception with 25 guests at a local restaurant and winery afterwards.

My mom initially didn’t react much other than it becoming incredibly awkward, but she would later FaceTime me in tears, shaking. Talking about how she has an issue with “the plus one”.

Basically: she said she has been diagnosed with ptsd from the divorce and that attending my wedding with her present will retraumatize her to the point that she fears for her safety….. I could see the reflection of chatGPT in her glasses.

I asked her about getting help for this ptsd, and provided her with several options to make the day easier for her ie: she can have her own “”plus one”” like a close friend or family member who weren’t otherwise going to be invited for support. They will sit as far apart as possible, my dad’s girlfriend won’t be involved in any MOB stuff, no pictures together and I’ll instruct them to stay away from her. There won’t be any rehearsal or anything it’s just one day, but no, she couldn’t agree.

It’s been a month since that conversation and we haven’t talked. I don’t want to be sucked into this emotional mess on top of all the other wedding stress I have around me. I’ve let her have her space but this is the longest I’ve ever gone no contact with my mom.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to have 3 important adults in my life at my wedding?

I’m hurt because my mom apparently is completely fine with withdrawing herself from my wedding entirely over this and that she can’t see my side or even work with me.

I feel like I have tried to meet her halfway but this won’t resolve unless I uninvite my dad’s girlfriend (and probably my dad) entirely which I’m not willing to do.

In this month she’s missed my grandfathers passing and funeral, as well as the Easter plans we had together.

Sorry for the length of this post, I just wanted to get as many of the nuances as possible.

How can I best move forward?