u/ArmatureArt19

I am 27yo.

I haven't spoken to any member of my family since 19. I didn't have the most abusive childhood, there was some violence from my father but nothing I would consider extreme. I was the youngest of two and much of a pariah since the day I was born. My first words were "stop", because I was left often in the care of my 3yolder brother, who was not kind to me. When people inquire about my estrangement it's hard to explain. The best way I can help people understand is that I was never homesick once in my life. The first night I was home alone, and my family hadn't returned on time I wasn't worried that something terrible had happened, I remember thinking "this is good, I'm young enough to have a chance at adoption" when I woke up in the morning to find them home, I was crestfallen. Most of my earliest memories revolve around being told of how good things were in my family before I was born, and of being blamed for the poor emotional and financial state of my family since my arrival. I ended up in a lot of bad places in my youth and childhood, bad sleepovers, army barracks, survivalist shelters alone eating rabbit, homeless sleeping on the street, trap houses watching people die, not once can I say I knew what it was to be homesick.

There is no anger in me towards them anymore, I haven't seen my parents in my dreams in a long time. However, I have and have had recurring dreams of beating or being beaten to death by my older brother weekly. When I think about my parents now I don't feel much, I forgive them, but I have no desire to see them ever again. I've spent a long time meditating on their death, and feel mostly nothing. If anything I just mourn my baby photos, the knowledge of those places they took me in my childhood that I can't find on my own, and the potential insight on myself I could've gain from speaking to them.

They weren't alcoholics or drug addicts, they weren't explicitly or constantly verbally abusive, and only seldom physically abusive. However I've always been quite sure I would never have a relationship with them since the last communications exaporated almost a decade ago. I have no desire to even attend a funeral, I'm not sure what the point would be, it's very possible I've already missed it/them.

It feels hard to explain even to other people with challenging childhoods. I always feel alone in my experiences and alienated from all of society for how I grew up and how I choose to go on living.