u/Artistic-Duck4773

As salam Alaykum I’m 26F covert single mum and just looking for some advice when it comes to raising pious children with difficult individuals.

To give context, my ex husband 39M carefully made up an entire life which later crumbled in my second year of marriage after praying istikhara. Alhamdulillah for everything!! As it came to my attention that he had unwillingly made me a second wife. Please spare me the “but it’s halal” comments. He lied to me about his marital status and the imam who was acting as my wali the day of my nikkah assisted him in lying. I only found out because his first wife came to my apartment when I was heavily pregnant accusing me of giving her an std. Subhanallah you could imagine my surprise when I discovered a) he had been married with her for 16 years and b) the std allegations. Alhamdulillah me and my baby did not have an std so he was in fact committing zina. Shortly after these wonderful events I had to have an emergency c section at 34 weeks because my baby had stopped growing as I was extremely stressed and unable to eat or sleep. I went from having a really easy pregnancy to a lot of hospital trips. Getting a divorce from him later became an olympic sport as every imam in the state i live in is very close to him. Alhamdulillah it gave me time to try and “fix” my marriage as every imam I spoke to suggested that is what I should do instead of requesting a khula. So during those 3months I was left to care for a newborn alone 24/7 back to back with no breaks as he decided to move out get his own place while “working” on our marriage. He then proceeded to give my car to the first wife (who is now his ex wife) for the emotional damage she endured? Incase you didn’t catch it that was me being sarcastic. Im not sure how she needed my car more than me who had just become a single parent to a newborn and a 3year old dog. As far as I was aware her car worked fine. But Alhamdulillah, public transport became a thing for me which I hadn’t caught since I was in uni so that was refreshing.

Alhamdulillah I have been doing everything a single parent should do and I’m not going to sugar coat it it’s been really hard. I haven’t had time to grief anything because I don’t want to miss out on my baby’s life. It’s my first baby and instead of being miserable and sad I chose to take everyday with a little grain of salt so that I can show up emotionally for my baby instead of being absent mentally. Anyways this man keeps us all on our toes because while I was busy being a single parent and begging him to help me and come home after he refused to divorce me he not only refused again but broke me the news that he sold my car and was looking for a new wife. Alhamdulillah I have no resentment towards him or the sister and our divorce is finally finalised!

But now we have reached the topic where he wants full custody or min 50/50 custody when my baby is a newborn and he has been absent the entire time so he has zero bond with the baby…

Neither the less I looked at some pre-made custody arrangement plans and the court states the baby should stay with their mum full time till they are a toddler. He is very against this option as he wants my baby to go back and forth between two homes as the sister he is engaged to is wanting to have kids and wants to look after my baby. He is also refusing to go to court and make the custody agreement as he isn’t happy with the pre made custody order my country has. There’s a lot threats being made and lovely commentary to go with it, which is what every sleep deprived individual who is just trying to show up for her baby after her dreams of having a “family” gets shattered needs.

Now I don’t have the time or emotional capacity to break down or even try and attempt to digest everything that is upsetting me so Ive just chosen to focus on one problem.

I actually want to be a mother. Like it was my dream to raise a child. I didn’t have a baby to have a baby. I had a baby to raise them and give them everything I never had in my own home. To provide them with endless love safety and affection. I have plans from now till my baby is an adult. I plan on being a very hands on mum. And the plan we discussed together I want to see it through for my baby regardless of everything else. This stems from religious, education, morality standards to anything you could think of.

I have told my ex that I would leave all his actions with allah and I just asked him to have mercy on me when it comes to my baby. Subhanallah it’s so easy to become a toxic ex and to damage the father or mother of a child because you’re hurt or because *insert reason*. I see soo many broken families these days that could probably be better off if the parents had just put the children above their own emotions. And so I want to ask the brothers and sisters out there who have co parented or who have come from broken families what worked and what didn’t. How was co parenting done effectively? Especially the brothers and sisters who had a difficult ex or toxic parents or just an adult around who didn’t have the baby’s best interests at heart. How did you manage the situation? Or what would you have done differently.

JazakiAllahu Khayran

As salam Alaykum I’m 26F covert single mum and just looking for some advice when it comes to raising pious children with difficult individuals.

To give context, my ex husband 39M carefully made up an entire life which later crumbled in my second year of marriage after praying istikhara. Alhamdulillah for everything!! As it came to my attention that he had unwillingly made me a second wife. Please spare me the “but it’s halal” comments. He lied to me about his marital status and the imam who was acting as my wali the day of my nikkah assisted him in lying. I only found out because his first wife came to my apartment when I was heavily pregnant accusing me of giving her an std. Subhanallah you could imagine my surprise when I discovered a) he had been married with her for 16 years and b) the std allegations. Alhamdulillah me and my baby did not have an std so he was in fact committing zina. Shortly after these wonderful events I had to have an emergency c section at 34 weeks because my baby had stopped growing as I was extremely stressed and unable to eat or sleep. I went from having a really easy pregnancy to a lot of hospital trips. Getting a divorce from him later became an olympic sport as every imam in the state i live in is very close to him. Alhamdulillah it gave me time to try and “fix” my marriage as every imam I spoke to suggested that is what I should do instead of requesting a khula. So during those 3months I was left to care for a newborn alone 24/7 back to back with no breaks as he decided to move out get his own place while “working” on our marriage. He then proceeded to give my car to the first wife (who is now his ex wife) for the emotional damage she endured? Incase you didn’t catch it that was me being sarcastic. Im not sure how she needed my car more than me who had just become a single parent to a newborn and a 3year old dog. As far as I was aware her car worked fine. But Alhamdulillah, public transport became a thing for me which I hadn’t caught since I was in uni so that was refreshing.

Alhamdulillah I have been doing everything a single parent should do and I’m not going to sugar coat it it’s been really hard. I haven’t had time to grief anything because I don’t want to miss out on my baby’s life. It’s my first baby and instead of being miserable and sad I chose to take everyday with a little grain of salt so that I can show up emotionally for my baby instead of being absent mentally. Anyways this man keeps us all on our toes because while I was busy being a single parent and begging him to help me and come home after he refused to divorce me he not only refused again but broke me the news that he sold my car and was looking for a new wife. Alhamdulillah I have no resentment towards him or the sister and our divorce is finally finalised!

But now we have reached the topic where he wants full custody or min 50/50 custody when my baby is a newborn and he has been absent the entire time so he has zero bond with the baby…

Neither the less I looked at some pre-made custody arrangement plans and the court states the baby should stay with their mum full time till they are a toddler. He is very against this option as he wants my baby to go back and forth between two homes as the sister he is engaged to is wanting to have kids and wants to look after my baby. He is also refusing to go to court and make the custody agreement as he isn’t happy with the pre made custody order my country has. There’s a lot threats being made and lovely commentary to go with it, which is what every sleep deprived individual who is just trying to show up for her baby after her dreams of having a “family” gets shattered needs.

Now I don’t have the time or emotional capacity to break down or even try and attempt to digest everything that is upsetting me so Ive just chosen to focus on one problem.

I actually want to be a mother. Like it was my dream to raise a child. I didn’t have a baby to have a baby. I had a baby to raise them and give them everything I never had in my own home. To provide them with endless love safety and affection. I have plans from now till my baby is an adult. I plan on being a very hands on mum. And the plan we discussed together I want to see it through for my baby regardless of everything else. This stems from religious, education, morality standards to anything you could think of.

I have told my ex that I would leave all his actions with allah and I just asked him to have mercy on me when it comes to my baby. Subhanallah it’s so easy to become a toxic ex and to damage the father or mother of a child because you’re hurt or because \\\*insert reason\\\*. I see soo many broken families these days that could probably be better off if the parents had just put the children above their own emotions. And so I want to ask the brothers and sisters out there who have co parented or who have come from broken families what worked and what didn’t. How was co parenting done effectively? Especially the brothers and sisters who had a difficult ex or toxic parents or just an adult around who didn’t have the baby’s best interests at heart. How did you manage the situation? Or what would you have done differently.

JazakiAllahu Khayran

As salam Alaykum I’m 26F covert single mum and just looking for some advice when it comes to raising pious children with difficult individuals.

To give context, my ex husband 39M carefully made up an entire life which later crumbled in my second year of marriage after praying istikhara. Alhamdulillah for everything!! As it came to my attention that he had unwillingly made me a second wife. Please spare me the “but it’s halal” comments. He lied to me about his marital status and the imam who was acting as my wali the day of my nikkah assisted him in lying. I only found out because his first wife came to my apartment when I was heavily pregnant accusing me of giving her an std. Subhanallah you could imagine my surprise when I discovered a) he had been married with her for 16 years and b) the std allegations. Alhamdulillah me and my baby did not have an std so he was in fact committing zina. Shortly after these wonderful events I had to have an emergency c section at 34 weeks because my baby had stopped growing as I was extremely stressed and unable to eat or sleep. I went from having a really easy pregnancy to a lot of hospital trips. Getting a divorce from him later became an olympic sport as every imam in the state i live in is very close to him. Alhamdulillah it gave me time to try and “fix” my marriage as every imam I spoke to suggested that is what I should do instead of requesting a khula. So during those 3months I was left to care for a newborn alone 24/7 back to back with no breaks as he decided to move out get his own place while “working” on our marriage. He then proceeded to give my car to the first wife (who is now his ex wife) for the emotional damage she endured? Incase you didn’t catch it that was me being sarcastic. Im not sure how she needed my car more than me who had just become a single parent to a newborn and a 3year old dog. As far as I was aware her car worked fine. But Alhamdulillah, public transport became a thing for me which I hadn’t caught since I was in uni so that was refreshing.

Alhamdulillah I have been doing everything a single parent should do and I’m not going to sugar coat it it’s been really hard. I haven’t had time to grief anything because I don’t want to miss out on my baby’s life. It’s my first baby and instead of being miserable and sad I chose to take everyday with a little grain of salt so that I can show up emotionally for my baby instead of being absent mentally. Anyways this man keeps us all on our toes because while I was busy being a single parent and begging him to help me and come home after he refused to divorce me he not only refused again but broke me the news that he sold my car and was looking for a new wife. Alhamdulillah I have no resentment towards him or the sister and our divorce is finally finalised!

But now we have reached the topic where he wants full custody or min 50/50 custody when my baby is a newborn and he has been absent the entire time so he has zero bond with the baby…

Neither the less I looked at some pre-made custody arrangement plans and the court states the baby should stay with their mum full time till they are a toddler. He is very against this option as he wants my baby to go back and forth between two homes as the sister he is engaged to is wanting to have kids and wants to look after my baby. He is also refusing to go to court and make the custody agreement as he isn’t happy with the pre made custody order my country has. There’s a lot threats being made and lovely commentary to go with it, which is what every sleep deprived individual who is just trying to show up for her baby after her dreams of having a “family” gets shattered needs.

Now I don’t have the time or emotional capacity to break down or even try and attempt to digest everything that is upsetting me so Ive just chosen to focus on one problem.

I actually want to be a mother. Like it was my dream to raise a child. I didn’t have a baby to have a baby. I had a baby to raise them and give them everything I never had in my own home. To provide them with endless love safety and affection. I have plans from now till my baby is an adult. I plan on being a very hands on mum. And the plan we discussed together I want to see it through for my baby regardless of everything else. This stems from religious, education, morality standards to anything you could think of.

I have told my ex that I would leave all his actions with allah and I just asked him to have mercy on me when it comes to my baby. Subhanallah it’s so easy to become a toxic ex and to damage the father or mother of a child because you’re hurt or because *insert reason*. I see soo many broken families these days that could probably be better off if the parents had just put the children above their own emotions. And so I want to ask the brothers and sisters out there who have co parented or who have come from broken families what worked and what didn’t. How was co parenting done effectively? Especially the brothers and sisters who had a difficult ex or toxic parents or just an adult around who didn’t have the baby’s best interests at heart. How did you manage the situation? Or what would you have done differently.

JazakiAllahu Khayran