u/Arwen-430

I posted in Marriage and Surviving Infidelity about finding out that my (47F) husband of 25 years (48M) cheated on me 7 years ago with my BFF of 38 years (46F).  Based on what his behaviors were, and his lack of employment (I have been breadwinner for 15 years)… someone guessed he was a porn user without me mentioning that, and how that leads to a man not holding a job because he is dopamine fried and will be dead weight.  I saw this board referenced and was reading some stories, and now my brain is firing up and I’m starting to feel pretty stupid about some things.

Disclaimer, I have known he liked porn and didn’t really care when younger- I wanted to be the cool girl, and besides, it didn’t impact our sex life (at least I thought, in retrospect it probably drove the initial orgasm gap).

In 2023, he physically assaulted me when drunk.  During this time, he was drinking a lot, and we had a 15mo hiatus without sex, and almost divorced.  In a legal consult, the financial hardship would be too much at the time (lose house, pay alimony, split custody), my kids asked me not to “break up our home,” and I got scared of saying goodbye to my lifelong partner/being alone.

Since that hiatus:

·         He now has ED.

·         He never initiates sex (used to in our 20’s, 30’s).

·         Says he “doesn’t need lingerie, just me naked” which made me sad about all the efforts I put into to being fun.

·         When there isn’t ED, he focuses on getting off, but minimal reciprocation (tells me he will if I want him to, but the lukewarm interest turns me off, so I take matters into my own hands).

·         He told me once last year (about the ED) that he “didn’t know what was wrong, it was working fine all week” – which wasn’t with me, so I said “oh, you mean to the young, thin, pretty porn girls?!” angrily—and his response was that he like “curvy ones” like me (affirming the porn use, and the young & pretty parts).  This is the first correlation I had to porn destroying our sex life.

·         He has been caught multiple times wanking at his living room laptop by the kids, whose doors open facing that room (has since stopped).

·         Has been pushy about keeping/downloading my own sexy pics that were meant to be disappearing. 

·         Has always been cagey with his phone and is an IT expert so I couldn’t find anything if I wanted to.  He now says it was because of that “one time” tryst with my BFF and fear he would get caught.

As far as work is concerned, he was never meant to be a long-term SAHD.  He was just in school when I was pregnant with the 2^(nd), and we wanted to wait until 1yo for daycare.  Then he couldn’t find the right schedule, or salary.  Or it was entry level helpdesk, but his degree was Network Admin.  Then it was “wait until she’s in kindergarten.”  Then when the oldest was in middle school… or turned 13 and could legally babysit.  More recently it was “when they are both in HS” which is this year.   He has held a temporary job that works for about 5-6 months every 2 years.  He did this 4 cycles since starting 10 years ago.

I have rationalized all his sexual excuses.  If you take 1 bullet point, it can be explained, or improved/corrected.

I have rationalized all these work excuses, telling myself I also benefit a bit from having most of the domestic duties covered and the kids having a parent at home for illness/transportation/etc.  At this point, we need more money for big things like college and retirement, and my 15 & 17 year olds can fend for themselves.

Now I know (as of a couple months ago), that he cheated on me by my BFF way back in 2019.  Only when caught did he produce images she had sent, as proof against some of her allegations that she didn’t participate in the cheating.  Although useful as proof she engaged…. My first thought was, why do you still have nude pictures of my ex-BFF 7 years later?

Based on the experiences of this community, I am wondering if all our relationship issues (job, sex life, cheating) sound like they point back to porn use?!  Am I being super oblivious over here?

I (47F) posted recently over at the Marriage board about my husband (48M, together 25 years) cheating with my lifelong BFF of 38 years (46F).  That post was removed for looking like robot content (I have a habit of censoring words like rape, but I won’t here—I assure you this is a true story, sadly). This board might be a better fit based on my goals.

Quick recap: My BFF was being rude to me on a call a couple months back, telling me I’m a downer for being quiet, making fun of my book club, etc.—when she referred to my husband as a rapist, but didn’t initially explain.  When I confronted him, he confessed that back in 2019, they had some late night drunk texting, that led to sexting with full nudes, which then led to a physical act in our kid’s room while I was downstairs with our combined 5 kids, and then they promised never to tell, and didn’t do it again.  Her story today is that she was too drunk to consent, so it was rape.  The texts were disappearing messages, so I have to take his word for that.  She denies all of it and says any pics of her must be fake.  Yes, my husband still had these pics, 7 years later, because supposedly he hid them from me and then “forgot” about them. I still feel both disgusted and numb.

My last post focused on who to believe, because I am all for believing victims, but THIS particular victim is unreliable.  She accused a guy in HS of rape, and it was a lie (I was one of two witnesses).  She is a functional alcoholic, by her own admission 3-11 drinks per day.  She cheated on her ex-husband many times.  She drove her own kids home later that afternoon, despite claiming she was “blacked out.”  Her and my husband are both overtly sexual, and regularly flirt, touch, chat, and take selfies together, both before AND after this alleged rape.  I stupidly ignored all of this because it never seemed to go farther than what I had seen, time and again.  I still don’t fully believe either of their stories, but am inclined to believe it was more consensual, which is the only way I would consider marriage counseling vs. divorce.

That friendship was already getting toxic, and this was the nail in the coffin, so I ended it.  That being said, we raised our entire families together, and I am extremely sad about this sudden hole in my heart from losing the equivalent of a sister and questioning if she was ever really my friend at all.

Since I am in “Surviving” Infidelity, I am interested in hearing about people who feel like their spouses look like strangers after you find out about cheating, and how to cope.  I can’t stop thinking back over the last 7 years and thinking, who even ARE you?  Can you really know someone that kept such a lie from you that long?  I am also feeling bitter because these last few years our marriage has been at its worst.  In 2021-2022, he put hands on me twice when drinking (arm grabbing, injuring my shoulder once), was emotionally mean/angry including public outbursts, and was very neglectful/selfish during any intimacy.  He blames alcohol, which he cut down to near 0 these past couple years.  In my mind, when you cheated on me in 2019, if you felt so guilty about this, why didn’t you put energy into being a better husband and man? 

Honestly, if he had stepped up and showered me with love, affection, devotion, and loyalty these past 7 years, I think I might have an easier time being open to marriage counseling and rebuilding.  Maybe I would have felt more like he learned from his mistake.  Instead, he became even worse, and although he doesn’t drink and get angry anymore, the efforts are still quite minimal and disappointing.  We were on the brink of divorce in 2023 after the shoulder injury incident but decided the life we built together was worth salvaging.  Why was this not the wake-up call?  He asks what I want him to do, and I don’t have the perfect answers, but in my mind, I picture someone that wants to make things up to you, checks in frequently, reaffirms, validates, goes out of their way to be kind, thoughtful, and understand your needs.  Instead, he gets quiet about everything (unless I bring it up) and our day to day feels like business as usual.  It’s been 6 weeks and he hasn’t even made the first marriage counseling appointment (as the Executive Mental Load Manager for the family, I told him I was NOT adding this to my list).  I’m envisioning begging for forgiveness, and instead he sits next to me laughing at a TV show as if life is normal.  I feel like I’m in the twilight zone.  Are my expectations inflated?

Please don’t suggest divorce right now.  Even if that is the best course of action, I am a sole supporter with two teens (15, 17), and apartments are more expensive than my mortgage right now. Also, I would owe alimony on top of that and have to split time with my kids 50/50.  He has worked intermittently, but not consistently for 15 years.  Yes, this will be a priority.  He has done well in taking care of the house & kids these past years, but they are older now and his financial independence/contribution is more important at this stage.  My goal is to find a way to deal with the heartache and find peace & healing while I finish raising my kids (they also don’t want divorce/moving out of the house).  This may still end in divorce, but I want to explore all avenues in the meantime.  He and I have been best friends for 25 years.  Most of those years were great, supportive, and loving.  Those that have found success post-infidelity, what actions were the most helpful?

This is a cheating vs. SA scandal.  I realize no one will ever truly know the truth except them, but my anxious mind is tearing itself apart with paranoia and self-doubt, and Reddit helped me 3 years ago with an unrelated marriage issue, so I’m back! Sorry this is long-- it's messy and complicated, and requires backstory to make more sense.

Backstory:  My BFF and I met in 4^(th) grade, and have been besties since (38 years!).  I have been with my spouse for 25 years.  All of these years we have spent time together as families (her and her ex-husband as of 2021 have 3 kids, we have 2)—birthdays, holidays, bbqs, you name it.  There is always alcohol, and the two of them have always been heavy drinkers (she admits to up to 11/day, with a low end of at least 3/day).  His heavy weekend drinking led to our earlier issues from 3 years ago, and he has cut back to only a couple on the weekends.  She continues to drink heavily, and where she used to be the fun, life of the party type person, she has become more angry when drinking, saying mean things—which has led to our relationship getting worse this past couple years.  Another important note, they are both VERY sexual, especially when drinking.  Think pervy talk, flirting, touching, overly friendly selfies together, etc.  It has been this way since the early days, and all the way through as recent as March 2025.  Looking back, I feel stupid for not reacting more to this, but I guess I had seen them act that way so much, I grew blind to it and never had a reason not to trust.  On the flip side, her ex-husband and I are the more introverted, responsible ones that were the DDs and cleaned up the parties. 

The issue:  I was on a call with BFF because I was upset about an argument I had with husband (nothing big/serious, just feeling down).  The call then turned into a weird airing of grievances where she picked apart how quiet I am, how I “bring the (friend) group down,” made fun of my book club, just random stuff (maybe she was drunk, IDK)-- my point is that she was just being mean.  One thing she said was to randomly call my husband a r@pist.  Out of nowhere.  She then said it was time I “knew the truth” about 2019, but didn’t initially elaborate.  So I confronted him, and asked what he had done to her.

His confession:  Apparently, in late 2018, early 2019, they started sending late night texts when drinking (I am an early to bed, early to rise and go to work gal).  Early images include things like her impersonating a BJ on a wine bottle, and that advanced to full nudes going both ways.  The day in question, he says she started getting handsy with him, putting his hand in her lap, but this time, they snuck upstairs and she took her pants off and asked him to put it (his hand) in her, which he did, while she supposedly asked if he'd leave me for her (!).  After, she said “we’re going to get caught,” and they came back downstairs where our five kids and I were hanging out.  I didn’t notice a thing out of the norm, they were never gone long enough to make it suspicious.  Her ex-husband was skiing, so it was just her, and she drove her kids home later that day (I know my BFF when she is over-intoxicated, and would never let her drive as such).  All of this breaks my heart, of course, because he had never betrayed me like that before.

Her version (copied and pasted, only omitting names):  "And you ant the definition of rape having sex with a woman incapable of giving consent. At the very least (my name)- that is what he did to me. (Ex-husband) was skiing.  drive to your house with my children .  We did a lot of drunk and as you’ve seen - that man purposefully gets me drunk. And n the floor of your daughter’s room- he assaulted me. I was black out drunk unable to give consent."

I am a CSA victim myself, and a huge advocate for believing women, #metoo, choosing the bear, all of it.  Hearing my own husband, and father of my children, is a r@pist, is horrifying.  My husband is capable of lying, he has done so in the past when he gets caught (like with vaping a long time ago), but he will eventually come clean.  He confessed the whole thing, knowing it might destroy our marriage, including showing me the pics she sent (which she later just claimed were AI… back in 2019?).  My BFF lies constantly, even about mundane things (many in her life confirm, and I have discovered so many other lies this past year, making my trust in her super low).  In HS she lied about being r@ped once, and recanted when witnesses (including me) stepped up (we were all in sleeping bags on the same floor and literally saw it).  Despite the absolute mountain of lies, it feels somehow wrong to dismiss her claim given how strongly I advocate for women and victims.

She says “everyone processes trauma differently, including substance abuse, becoming flirty or hypersexual, pretending it never happened, and staying friendly with their abusers.”  However she didn’t turn to drinking or being hypersexual AFTER, she has drank heavily since HS and had multiple affairs on her ex-husband (currently living with a man she calls her new husband, but he is still legally married to another woman 3 years after their "wedding").  She says that as her childhood friend, woman, and fellow SA survivor, I—of all people—should support her.  This inflicts me with horrible guilt.  But I truly don’t understand how (in 2025) you pull down your shirt and shake your boobs and lick your lips at a man who “r@ped” you?  My r@pist disgusts me.  My mom was cordial to her r@pist, because he was family and she had to be.  Is snuggling, chatting, touching, and flirting with a man that assaulted you normal?  Am I being judgmental because deep down I want to believe my husband, or is something actually off about this?

He says afterwards they both had horrible regret and promised to “take it to their graves” as to not hurt me, but over the years she continued to give him “looks” and be flirty, like it was their dirty little secret (gross).

Her story has holes, but I know he is capable of lying, too.  Does his side sound truthful? Would a man volunteer all of that (before he even knew the full accusation) as a cover because he knew he did something wrong? Sexting pics and all? They both used to drink heavy, and are both lustful.  Her quote about "as you've seen, that man purposefully gets me drunk" is garbage, though. If there is a wine bottle open, she is polishing it off. No one "gets" her drunk, she is a functional alcoholic. Of course infidelity and alcoholism does NOT mean she cannot also be a victim of something. Not believing a victim feels like crap, but believing a false allegation feels equally so.  Her and I’s friendship was already falling apart before this, so it is likely done for.  My marriage will require counseling if it stands a shot, but even if **somehow** I could forgive the cheating, I would never look past SA. 

The worst thing this man has ever done was losing his temper on me drunk 3 years ago (yanked my arm), which made him quit most drinking and never act like that again. Outside of that, our 25 years has been peaceful, and he's always been dedicated to me and our girls (15, 17). He is a SAHD, I am the provider. Sometimes we are more like roommates, but never a deadbedroom. We have always been best friends, and I always teased him that I wasn't worried about cheating because he "has no game." His one-liners are like bad dad jokes and he doesn't know how to flirt, LOL. He is more lustful/high libido than me (at least he used to be), but never looked at other women and such. He says his lapse in judgment was due to alcohol and their close relationship, but that nothing like that day ever happened again. I want to believe him, but as a CSA victim, this accusation sits heavy in my gut. Her words spin in my mind and affect my ability to view our marriage as repairable. I don't want to stand by an offender, nor do I want to turn my back on an innocent man. Even if we eventually divorce for infidelity alone, SA is something different. Any advice on how to navigate this mess? How to best protect my kids through this? All they know right now is that her and I aren't talking anymore.