u/Asleep-Place-6927

I’ve stopped praying in my corner over the last few weeks because bad things happen after I pray and to be honest I feel blatantly ignored by God most of the time. Today I am trying to pray again and I scanned through my prayer journal and it just feels like a slap in the face to read these entries. I have made the most vulnerable raw entries seeking God in complete sincerity and I just feel like it’s pointless. None of these things I pray for ever come. I don’t want money or worldly things, all I want is inner peace and I have not known peace since becoming a Christian.

Every time I try to pray I feel driven further and further away from the faith. I will probably contact my priest and let him know this. It’s just tricky because my husband is very tethered to the church and is not having as terrible of a time as me. He is all about apologetics and history. I am intuitive and CRAVE feeling a closeness. I need to feel like there is someone is listening. I feel like I am being pranked most of the time. I feel like God ghosts me. It’s incredibly triggering due to my childhood and my past. I have a festering envy for people who are able to feel this closeness with God. I am just not. I am inspired by my husband’s faith and assumed taking it as my own would make this work for me. It hasn’t.

I’m sorry if this next part sounds really out there but believe I used to be in communion with demons and I feel like I was lovebombed by them. I achieved a lot of esoteric knowledge and fulfillment which can’t be described with words, and I have experienced activity in the unseen realm. I know what is possible.
I have repented for this and brought it up to my priest many times. I have had exorcism prayers said over me. Sort of blunts the pain for a few days and then I go back to feeling like this.

I don’t know why God leaves me to suffer. Sometimes my pain is so unbearable and I have deep waves of feeling suicidal come over me often. I’m sick of prayers that don’t work. I am sick of seasons of fasting and efforts that feel wasted.

I probably need to not be so focused on myself, that’s probably a lot of the responses I will get. But most days I can hardly pull myself out of bed. I have backslid in a major way. I just don’t know why God allows me to be pushed to my absolute limit. I feel like my psyche is on the verge of snapping in half most days.

This is a really lovely community and I appreciate the advice I’ve received here in the past. I am looking forward to hearing any wise words you might have to offer. Thank you.

So I am supposed to be in my luteal phase at the same time i’m going on a beach trip to Destin. I just got back on 150 mg Wellbutrin after being off it for about 6 months. I am curious if Wellbutrin has helped with anyone here with mood swings prior to your period? I am thinking about upping it to 300mg before the trip. I’m going with my husband’s family and don’t want them to see me act like a psycho. I have not had such intense PMS until I tried stopping wellbutrin.

my mental health is completely shot and i feel my inner world is in shambles. i missed liturgy today because ive been losing my mind and never get a day off from work, and i just needed to rest. i do morning and evening prayers every single day. i feel like quitting it all because it feels like God leaves me in the dust every single day. praying just leads me into “Why aren’t you answering me? why aren’t you helping me? why do you do the opposite of what i ask?” And then I just feel visceral anger bubble up inside of my chest. I have terrible parental abandonment wounds, and God just feels like a negligent parent most of the time to be honest. i’m sick of feeling like a schizophrenic trying to talk to Jesus and the angels and Mary. I’m sick of bringing this up to people just for them to defend Him and get angry at me.

If you feel that God is there, GOOD FOR YOU! I don’t! Be glad He has revealed Himself to you. Be grateful that you’re one of His favorites. Don’t be angry at me, I have done everything in my power to invite Him into my life. Yesterday I held a gun up to my head. The only reason I won’t pull the trigger is because I can’t traumatize my grandparents. I stared at my icons for a long time before picking the gun up. “You aren’t real are you?” I said. This God is cruel. If what you all say is true then I should be able to feel Him. I don’t. I’ll probably delete this because you people are sensitive and will be angry at me for blasphemy, just be grateful you aren’t me and move on if you are going to be defensive on God’s behalf.

I almost committed myself into a psych ward yesterday but all of them have terrible reviews. I am already in therapy. I am looking into getting back on an antidepressant. I’m just sick to death of the spiritual oppression I have been battling for what feels like an eternity.

edit: if you’re sick of seeing me post here, would you rather i just off myself and stop trying?

edit 2: I am getting help. I am just wondering what to do about the anger while praying thing. I am pissed at God. I’m taking my eyes off him for the time being because trying to focus on Him for whatever reason is THE MOST triggering thing. it’s probably because from my perspective it feels like He is failing me. I feel like I am having to save myself.

i’ve been living orthodox for almost two years and it still feels like i’m wearing clothes that don’t fit me and i miss my old life.

i’m sick of being told i can still be a musician and write songs. i don’t feel any inspiration. ever since i became christian none of my old music i used to love sounds the same. everything in this world feels so watered down and bland. nothing in my present life feels authentic, there is great contention with my current self and who i was 2 years ago. i can’t tell if this is also because of being around my husband who does not have a drop or artistry in his body. He’s all logic.

I’ve coped with this problem by telling myself that everything i used to partake in was demonic. why does adding Christ to my life make everything i used to love taste so bad? I feel like im going to contract an autoimmune disease because of the effects that coming to the faith have had on my body and mind. i am in therapy. My priest told me God doesn’t want me to completely change who i am. but i am still unable to figure out how i fit into this world anymore. i miss feeling connected to people. it’s straight up vanity but i miss being admired and loved. so much of the time i feel alone now. i don’t know who i am anymore. all i do is listen to people debate and argue. can’t stand being connected to my heart anymore. it probably doesn’t help that my husband is drawn to a lot of the apologetics and the stuff many of you here would consider to be orthobro content. I miss feeling like a free-spirited “hippy” i guess. I miss feeling love in my body.

edit: the dive bar I used to play at, my husband said he feels like it has an anti-christ spirit lol. this problem doesn’t feel as solvable as people are telling me it is. I feel artistically homeless.