u/AssociationVivid7481

I’m going to start this off with saying that this is not “I like a girl????” panic. I wrote this after a sleepover, and I was panicking just a bit. I’m sorry, there’s not very much punctuation, and I wrote the other bit just needing to get my thoughts down, so it’s not very coherent. I just wanted other opinions and I couldn’t ask any of my friends because they all would know who she is. Sorry again if it’s hard to read!

I can’t tell if people are attractive like I can sometimes tell if someone’s conventionally attractive and sometimes I’ll be like “Oh that thing that they’re wearing/that hairstyle/that makeup looks good on them” but I don’t feel any physical attraction and If I were to have a romantic relationship with someone then it’d just be like really close friends who cuddle a lot and maaaybe kiss? But there’s this girl, and she’s my best friend and I love her so much because she’s so funny and amazing and quite a few people have asked if we are dating and I always laughed it off but a friend of hers who lives in a different  state came up and I met him and he’s cool but after he left he texted me and asked if we were dating and it felt different coming from someone who knows her and when I said we weren’t he asked if I had a crush on her and I realized that I DONT KNOW. I LITERALLY CANT TELL. I have sleepovers at her house all the time and we’ll stay up until like three in the morning watching movies and we’ll take the back cushions off her couch and curl up and one of us usually has an arm over the other or her head on the others shoulder and our legs will be all tangled up and I don’t think there’s any other place I’m happier and our little brothers are friends and went and played laser tag and she came along so I wouldn’t have to spend all day with a bunch of ten-year-old boys and we sat together on the way back and she was almost asleep on my shoulder and last time we had a sleepover I had my arm over her shoulders while we were watching this murder documentary and she just laced her fingers through mine and she did it several times throughout the night and I’ve been good friends with her for three years and there’s been a lot of trouble and arguing in our friend group lately and she’s the only one of ANYONE, even family, that I can just sit and talk to for hours and I don’t feel tired or stressed or any thing and that might be that my other friends are all pretty high-energy and the problem is that I can’t tell if I just really really like her or I have a crush on her because descriptions of crushes in movies and books and ones that I’ve gotten from other people just don’t feel right. I know I love her but I don’t know what kind of love. If we were a couple not much would change, honestly. I’ll be thrifting and see something and be like “I need to take a picture of that to show her next time I see her” or I’ll be watching a movie with my family and I know exactly what comments she’d make and the exact tone and the exact way she’d laugh at certain things and the most random thing remind me of her like I’ll be at the park with other friends and someone will walk by playing a certain song and I’ve heard her listen to that one and I still remember when in seventh grade cooking class one of the girls in our group said “You two are either sisters or you’re dating” word for word and I wondered if I’m just really close or what but it’s stressing me out so much. I love spending time with her. I say things to make her laugh. I can picture her face and voice perfectly. Oh fuck help I think I do have a crush on her (crush doesn’t feel right, is there another word?) and I don’t know what to do I’ve never been in a relationship I’ve never had any sort of “crush” shiiiiiit heeeelllp