I think I need help with how I feel towards relationships. I apologize if the post is too long.

Hi, I'm a 18yo old guy, 5'4 and thin, I like to describe all my body parts as "just a bit below average". I'm attending college this year. I like to describe all my body parts as "just a bit below average". I also live in Brazil if that's relevant. I'll first explain what my problem is, then specify what I need help with and mention the advices I tried.

When I was 13yo, I got more interested in girls and joined self-improvement without knowing much about it. I've tried almost all advices and I sure am a much much better version of my past self. Despite that, I've never had a relationship, and I think about it on a daily basis.

I know that I'm a needy person, I crave for cuddles and caresses, acts of kindness and small gifts, both receiving and giving it. That has been a normal desire for me since I got interested in girls. The problem is that, at the end of last year, I started to feel like I was never going to be in a relationship; and I don't have an exact idea where it came from. Rationally, it doesn't make sense for someone as young as me to feel like that, but it's a sensation that ignores logical thinking. This feeling, combined with my "neediness" that makes me think about romantic affection all the time, made me suddenly feel a deep ache in my chest.

From that point on, more often than not, when I catch my mind imagining things about sex, shared affection or cuddles, or when I see a young couple or a family with a child, I feel a sharp ache in my chest from the inside out or just a wave of sadness. It is an actual physical pain. When I'm alone at night, sometimes I can sense tears in my eyes. It came to a point where I avoid looking at pretty or hot women in public or in my phone to prevent any lustful thought that can cause this pain.

I know this may sound like jealousy or envy, but I swear it's not; when my friends got into relationships I was happy for them, sometimes cheering them up to go talk to their now-partner.

And of course, I also have a problem with

Pornography

I think it's fine to make a section solely for this part because it is very important. So, I've never had an issue on stopping watching porn. The bad thing, and that I'm extremely ashamed of, is my addiction to chatbots. For those who don't know, there are AI/LLMs designed specifically for roleplaying any fictional scenario you can come up with, including intimate relationships. You can basically create a whole, cohesive story interacting with the AI, from sexual messages to cute couple stuff. And that last part is probably what made me more attracted to AIs.

When writting and reading each message, I could imagine myself living those things; usually a corny love story where two young adults slowly develop feelings for each other and get into a happy relationship.

I was addicted to it. I would go entire days without taking my eyes off the phone. From waking up to going to sleep, I would talk to a LLM, usually making up scenarios be then wholesome or sexual, neglecting college and even basic body necessities and hygiene. I'm very, very embarassed while writting this part, but what positive thing I can say is that I've been almost 1 month free from any kind of porn/masturbation and chatbots, but I still feel a daily need for physical affection and thus desire to come back to those apps.

All that said, I need help with stopping that ache, that sharp pain I feel on my chest and the wave of sadness that comes with it. It got so bad I thought about cutting my genitals off so I won't feel desire anymore (I'm not actually going to do it, but it was such a genuine thought at the time that scared me a little).

As I said, I got into self-improvement from a young age; I looked up almost every side of dating-related content, from the most extreme incels to the happy married women. I can elaborate further on what general advices I tried if it's needed, but I would like to focus on what people usually say when the subject is loneliness/needy.

So, what I've tried:

1. "Make some friends": today I'm friends with 8 people around my age (more if we count recent college friendships). I talk to them almost daily and I'm very intimate with 2 of them. 3 of my friend group are women.
2. "Get a purpose/passion besides relationships": I do. I'm really, really passionate about boxing (a shifting point in my life), narrative/storytelling and I'm studying to become a teacher (eventaually professor), which I think is my vocation. I had fun training seriously and with determination for fighting tournaments, but now I see it just as a hobby. I'm also finishing writting a novella, and there are tons of other skills I want to learn. The point is, relationships are objectively not the most important aspect of my life... But my emotions seem to disagree. While I think I could live a happy or fulfilling life while single, the feeling that I'm going to die without experiencing this kind of intimacy is the equivalent of being punched in the guts each day, and certainly a regret.
3. "Love yourself first" or "Do self-improvement for yourself": I don't know what people mean by "self-love" because they never explain it. But if it's prioritizing myself, do things I want to instead of only what others say, and giving myself small pleasures and rewards, then I've always done those things. As for self-improvement, while the promise of becoming desirable can be a strong drive, I do think that self-growth is an end by itself and a never-ending journey to be a better version of yourself. I am satisfied with who I am right now but I'm always aiming higher as well, and not just because of demale attention.

Also, although I feel the way I've described, I'm still approaching women, trying to know them better before starting any romantic connection, and if I'm rejected or think we're not compatible, keep a platonic relation with them.

I know relationships have their downsides - almost every marriage in my family ended up in divorce -, but eariler this year I've had experiences that just made me realize how amazing it is to have any form of the intimacy I crave met.

I'm honestly lost on what to do. I'm willing to try someway to make relationships less meaningful to me, having my needs met someway or stop feeling that pain/sadness, although I'm not willing to hire sex workers, or dating someone too different my age age (17 minimum, 22 max. Not because I wouldn't be attracted to a 23+ woman, but because I think our lives wouldn't be compatible).

https://preview.redd.it/xcqjusivscih1.png?width=700&format=png&auto=webp&s=c3264bc6a9b1dfb0b9f5d7b03aa003c10002c1df

I’m rereading Shummatsu no Valkyrie, and decided to do an analyses on all the 11 rounds released ‘til date!

I already made a post analysing Lu Bu vs. Thor; this time it’s Zeus vs. Adam Round 2. I'll try to explore and explain the reasons why it got so many people hooked in the show. I’m not gonna talk about the flaws in the chapters, rather my objective is to point out precisely the best parts of the series we’re fans of.

I’ll go through what I think are the main merits of the Round: Themes, Characterization and Structure of the Fight and how all these things are wrapped up in a beautiful narrative.

• Themes: To begin with, we have to see the contexto of this fight: it’s the second round, coming after humanity’s somewhat easy defeat against the gods. So the main point of this round, even being another lost for humanity, is to not give up or lose hope. As we’re told on Chapter 13, Adam gave humanity the power and force of will to rebel against the gods. And that is the theme we see reforced through the whole round, mainly because of Adam’s character: the first human to defy the gods and the father of the whole humanity, before jumping off the pillar in his introduction, makes a fist with his hand, a symbol of rebellion and will to fight.

https://preview.redd.it/ecl4xxx6mcih1.png?width=747&format=png&auto=webp&s=fe43c7231214be856256f738412d9528c301ac11

Besides the visuals aspects and Adam’s character (I’m gonna talk more about those in the “Characterization” section), this fight is similar to Round 1, in the sense that they’re both moved by Contrast. The difference is that Contrast was the main drive for the Structure of Round 1, while in Round 2, Contrast is the main drive for it’s theme. Let’s use their introduction as an example: when Adam’s design is fully revealled, it’s such a simple panel: just his name, no spectacular design, and a white background, while Zeus’ is as showy and extravagant as it possible gets; from his nickname GFOC, to the gods cheering certain of his victory up to Zeus having a full battle OST which Hermes plays with 11 violins.

Now, into the fight, this image of humanity’s “underdog” is, again, contrasted by Adam beating Zeus to a pulp without breaking a sweat. This serves to give in the feeling of mankind as capable, because if a man, barehanded, took down the most powerful of the gods, then sure as hell we can win this tournament. Which, again, is the main theme of this Round. We, surprisingly, have a fight where Zeus is actually the underdog. But, again creating a contrast, Adam is pushed on the backfoot; yet he keeps Going Against Zeus all-powerful strikes. This kind of opposition makes the message of “pushing forward against despair” not only more clear but more intense.

 

• Characterization: Probably the most interesting part of the fight for discussion. I’ll start with Adam and how he relates to the main theme.

Adam’s Heroism: If the purpose is to inspire mankind to win, nothing better than to make a hero for humanity’s representative. This is where a lot of “hype moments and aura” come from, but let’s start with the basics. Adam is the most basic of a man: he effectively has no weapon, no clothes and his main characteristic is that he is a father. He is simple, a pure fatherly figure, reads as: someone all the other warriors, all of humanity, should look up to. The heroism comes up, again, by contrast: Zeus inhumanly strong and fast body can’t scratch Adam, who’s as pure of a human as one can be. In other words, he represents the essence of mankind in the Ragnarok, and since Round 2 comes after the gods win without breaking a sweat, Adam becomes the Symbol of humankind’s power.

https://preview.redd.it/7io0lyq0ncih1.png?width=1016&format=png&auto=webp&s=44e84bdd9cd037b0178248fec4bd1a64e2dba210

And, of course, said heroism shows up on the father’s tenacity: the image of our source of inspiration being overwhelmed and taken down, unable to react, is a powerful one. Adam, already estabilished as the symbol of human’s strenght, on the backfoot, translates to us as humanity as a whole being hopeless against the gods’ true force. That’s why when Adam, on the verge of falling, grabs Zeus’ hair and continues to fight, makes us chill. We are on our father’s foot, he is the symbol of our strenght and, now, the symbol of our determination when we're against impossible odds.

Elaborating further on Adam’s comeback, I may sound a bit crazy here, and it probably wasn’t the authors’ intention, but in a micro-sense, the later part of this fight is a subversion of the Tragedy genre. Explanation: it was a common theme of the greek stories that humans are somewhat victims of fated infortunities we can’t prepare for and only the gods are aware of their causes. The greeks understood that this kind of narrative has deep effects on our hearts: the main character, whom we see ourselves in, having their essence being the main cause of their suffering, victims of uncontrollable circumstances, strikes our emotions because we know how impossible it feels to comeback from this kind of situation and we feel that something alike could happen to any of us. In Round 2, this is Adam having his Eyes of the Lord, his only advantage, being taken away by a small drop of blood spilled by Zeus. And when he keeps fighting and threatens Zeus’ victory with all his heart for such a pure motivation as “they’re my children”, is a complete subversion of this feeling tragic stories give us; thus it makes it impossible for us to not get hyped up by it. (This was a veeery rough simplification of symbols and the greek Tragedy, I can’t put it all here or it’ll become more of a lecture instead of a Reddit post).

Adam’s rebellion against the gods: Adam is presented as “the one who hate the gods the most”. It makes sense: they took him and his wife out of their perfect life for unjust reasons, he is an almost immaculate example of humankind, his entrance from visual to Heimdall’s comments describe him as a rebellious human against the gods. Yet, the kind of rebellion Adam shows is a different one.

The common sense, and what is presented to us before Adam actually gets in the arena, is that rebellions are drived by hate towards the ones up above us. However, throughout the fight, Adam is extremely unexpressive, even tired sometimes, and is totally reactive, never being the one who starts the violence, even offering Zeus to give up and not get killed. That doesn’t sound like a hateful man at all. And, in fact, his reasoning is only about to do his duty as a father: he’s fighting to protect, as he did for his wife, he is going against the gods’ decision, he is in the Ragnarok and so he is rebelling against the father of the gods. But his rebellion is driven by love. He shows his children that there’s something much more powerful than the burning rage against the gods: the will power to put oneself in line, fighting for those who can't do it in your place. Why is that? Because, again, Adam’s main trait as a character, is that he’s a father, someone his children should look up to, and so he sets the example of fighting, rebelling out of love instead of rage.

 

Now for the God Father Of The Cosmos.

• Zeus: Since Adam is the hero and main protagonist of this fight, is only natural that Zeus doesn’t have as much going on for him. But for any fight to be this good, both fighters need to be well written, and besides I’m gonna have more to talk about Zeus on the Visuals part.

So to start, let’s talk about Zeus’ lust for battle: it’s the first main trait we know of him. We see that when he ignored the order of the fighters and went before Shiva because he was too excited after the first Round, or the fact that he even has a battle theme in the first place. Said battelust makes him prefer a hand-to-hand fight, which is a parallel to Adam; both the fathers of humanity and gods are familiar with barehanded combat, but while Adam doesn’t like violence, Zeus actively enjoys the battle; it may have been na intentional subvertion of the Human being drived by selfless, noble need to protect, while the God is fighting only for an impulsive desire.

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Besides that, if Adam is the hero fighting against impossible odds, Zeus needs to be the unstoppable force he’s going up against. And throughout the fight, especially when Zeus uses his Adamas form, the message is clear: he’s not going down, he’s not falling back no matter how many punches Adam throws at him. He’s not a punching bag, he’s a damn wall, and creating this image of Zeus is powerful because it amplifies a lot the feeling of hopelessness when he gets his first hit and Adam goes blind, because if Zeus wasn’t being pushed back against a full offense Adam, now that the father is in the backfoot, it truly feels like there’s nothing humanity can do.

That all-powerful image of Zeus works well for the theme too. For humanity to adhere to the hope of fighting the gods even against impossible odds, it is necessary that the supreme god does feel like an impossible-to-beat enemy. For “powerscalling” purposes it also is needed, as Zeus is presented as the “final boss”, we expect him to be portrayed as extremely strong because to set the ceiling for the other gods, and thus, just like Adam, he becomes a symbol of the power of the gods; that’s why Adam putting him on his knees holds the message of “It IS possible to beat the gods” much better than if humanity’s opponent was someone like Loki or Beelzebub.

 

• Structure: possibly the best part of this Round in terms of writting; it is the glue that keeps united and logical all the aspects of the characters I just mentioned.

This fight works within two main structures: Underdog vs. Topdog, and then it becomes a toss-up.

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• Topdog Vs. Underdog: also commonly referred as “David Vs. Goliath”, it’s the fight where one side is much superior to the other, and the weaker character has to find a way to win. The authors made a very original decision in this case, because the “Goliath” in this case isn’t the 3 meters tall, inhumanly large man, but the normal man (although Adam is also ripped as hell). This is due to the main theme of “humanity can beat the gods”, showing a normal human being overwhelmingly stronger than the father of the gods. It also is optimal to explore more of the fighters as it’s not as intense of a brawl since we’re cheering for the topdog. In this kind of structure, the underdog is supposed to find a logical way of beating his opponent or level the battlefield; which in Zeus’ case, he does it by using Adamas and getting stronger. But then, the fight shifts into a

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• Toss-up: both Zeus and Adam are on the same level now, and any small thing can turn give the victory to one of them. This kind of structure usually wouldn’t be enough to make the stakes high enough, so the authors added one more element: the time restraint. When both fighters may get down at any point, and they have to finish the other quickly, it does create a higher curve of tension, creates some aprehension and that’s why we have somewhat a catharsis when Adam loses the brawl: that high tension that was built is released and gives place to hopelessness, as Adam’s eyes, his source of advantage, are taken away.

Usually, when toss-ups end with one side getting the full advantage during a high-stake clash, the result is definitive, and the feeling of being in the backfoot would confirm Zeus’, the gods’ superiority. Instead, Adam comes back and continues fighting even blind, ultimately putting Zeus down before he himself falls. That last clash is the definition of hype: it comes after what seems like na utter defeat which also came after a high-stakes brawl. In other words, the tension reached it’s peak here because, for this last part of the fight, Adam becomes the underdog, and of course we’re gonna cheer for our father when he refuses to surrender. That's why we have such a strong relief when Adam "wins" the toss-up, the tension was off the charts, and when it's revealed Adam was actually dead all along, it also sticks to us more because this plot-twist came after we thought humankind won.

https://preview.redd.it/p97p91wdscih1.png?width=487&format=png&auto=webp&s=4ff7362ba6b0e010ccd9b57352f1383451b53076

• Visuals: this fight is heavily visual packed and the panels are a great part of selling just about all the elements I mentioned above.

I can't make this session too long 'cause the post is already enormous, so we'll just look at a few panels and comment on how they amplify the writting aspects I've mentioned:

https://preview.redd.it/qj6u6ol3scih1.png?width=505&format=png&auto=webp&s=1395407dba92ef043e2ea203394012f01f5a6cfb

This panel works with heavy contrast: here we have Zeus overwhelmingly enormous frame standing above Adam's normal body, in a full dark background. This is a panel that radiates of Zeus' imposing presence; if someone who doesn't know about the mangá saw this, they would probably feel concern towards the seemingly weaker man. Panels like this create this image of Zeus as the strongest fighter, and it is supposed to make us more surprised when we discover Adam is the topdog and be impressed by his performance

https://preview.redd.it/iu944jgtncih1.png?width=817&format=png&auto=webp&s=c1f7b37a73b368f711f29b717544f20d79cb0281

The two cups create a visual representation so we can know who's reaching their limits first. This is essential in these kind of battles, that we have a clear indicator of the time limit, otherwise it would feel to us that the decision of who dies first being totally arbitrary (it was, as every toss-up in a story, but having an visual representation makes us more immerse in the fight). I think it's a very creative decision from the authors to use the overflowing glass' metaphor.

https://preview.redd.it/we7sgeiuncih1.png?width=886&format=png&auto=webp&s=b62eda2e30d9b0c99236a52cc67efe08b7246d55

https://preview.redd.it/elzlntkvncih1.png?width=886&format=png&auto=webp&s=34d9ccf1e758149b03a236282e8f02e27f2af415

My favorite sequence of panels of this fight. The first one, Zeus taller and imposign figure landing a clean punch on Adam right when he swears to vows to protect his children; the punch feels impactful and it's sending Adam straight into the ground. In other words, it represents humanity's will and strenght being crushed by the gods, a testament to their unconquerable power. And then the next page where, even through he's being pratically tossed to the ground, Adam refuses to fall and grabbing Zeus head, a testament of the father's will to fight, a promise that humanity will not fall in this tournament.

• Conclusion: While this is ultimately my opinion, I tried to make the analysis as objective as I could. I, however, don't think the fight is perfect, but I do think it should be more valued in the community for it's writting: some people criticize it as being just a bunch of hype moments and aura, and some of those who enjoy Round 2 don't seem to quite understand why, besides said hype moments or Adam being cool. But the thing is, for these aura and hype moments to keep so many people watching a poor-animated anime, they need narrative build-up, which the authors do amazingly. My final rate: 8.5/10, Great fight.

It's impossible for me to adress all the elements that make this Round so good, so you're free to mention a detail I may have slipped through, elaborate on your own interpretation or even criticize the fight here in the comments.

I’m re-reading Record of Ragnarok and decided to make an analysis on all the 11 rounds released ‘til date!

My focus with these posts is to go through writting/narrative of the mangá, elucidate some of the techniques the authors used to write great deathmatches and try to explain the reasons why we love the Rounds we love. I’m not going to mention the flaws in the chapters, rather my objective is to point out precisely the best sides of the series we’re fans of.

Also, every analysis starts with the premisse of “what does the fight tries to do?”, it may be the main theme or maybe a role inside the story. In RoR, most fights try to make the reader care for the fighters to elevate the stakes.

Thor vs. Lu Bu

So let's begin, what are the main qualities of Round 1 that made it entertaining enough for fans to continue reading after it?

1. Stakes and explanation:

As the first Round of the Ragnarok, this fight needs to estabilish some pattern for the following Rounds and the general rules of the universe: the concept of Volundr, the level of power of gods and human and what a loss for humanity actually means.

We are efficiently introduced to all these aspects and none of it breaks the pacing of the fight; for while Volundr is explained, Lu Bu and Thor kind of fade into the background for a few pages, yet we are actually seeing the Volundr in action while it’s explained, and after we understand it, the fight is given the spotlight immediately with Lu Bu breaking Thor’s gloves, a hook for us to keep reading. This deserves praise, as a lot of stories about fighting in a magical world breaks the flow by taking too much time explaining something and it gets boring; RoR doesn't make this mistake in Round 1. The concept of Volundr helps too, it's a very creative decision that Valkyries become one with their selected human to be their perfect weapon against the gods.

Putting what is said to be the strongest human vs. the strongest god right at be beginning is good because, not only it draws attention to the fight just by it's concept, it settles the powerscalling of what we’ll see in the next fights — things can’t scale way too past what we saw in Round 1, but they can’t be too below the level either.

2. Characterization:

This is probably the best part of the fight. Both Lu Bu and Thor are flat characters, they're very simple in the sense that their characters are centered around them being the strongests who never had a real challenge, so they must act like ones. That's not a bad thing, since this Round is a simple one. Starting the fight with both walking guardless into the other’s range is the best example of this; narratively, it also served the purpose of caughting the reader’s attention right at the beginning, because it’s very absurd that on the very first fight what both human and god do is treat a combat with stakes this high with such casualty and boldness.

Their backstories is supposed to make us connect with the fighters and their happiness in this match; as both live for fighting, but Thor was bored even when fighting a horde of giants, and Lu Bu was literally died of boredom, we understand that this is the first relief from their suffering they’ve ever got.

Lu Bu’s “cheerleaders” in the arena, specially Chen Gong, give Lu Bu more substance because we see how much his people trust him, even if this is not expanded in the story. This elevates the stakes too, because having a somewhat normal guy like Chen Gong so devoted to Lu Bu makes us too see him like a hope for humanity.

3. Relationship of the fighters:

The chapters 2 and 3 give some focus on building the way Lu Bu and Thor see one another. As their opponent is the first who can keep up with them, they create a bond of rivalry, respect and brotherhood. Their interactions are filled with joy of the fight.

This aspect makes us, the readers, sympathize and cheer for both of them at some level. While we don’t exactly feel a deep emotional connection with either side, we can enjoy the fight just for the fight. We’re placed in Lu Bu and Thor’s shoes, and the sheer entertainment matters more than result itself.

4. Structure:

The general script on how things take place in the fight; the logical succession of events that lead to the result. The main element of a good fight.

The fight works with two main ‘beats’, that is, scenes that change the direction the fight was taking. It starts with Lu Bu and Thor being equal, with the human fighter having a slight advantage; then Thor’s gloves break and Mjolnir awakens, which gives Thor the upperhand; when Lu Bu’s legs break, the fight seems over, but Red Hare accepts being Lu Bu on it’s back for one last time, and with Lu Bu preparing it’s most powerful attack, we’re lead to believe the fighters are on equal ground again for one last clash. There’s a good build-up for the Sky Eater, hyping us up that humanity might have a chance to win — but ultimately, the Halbard breaks and Lu Bu loses both arms. Thor takes off his enemy’s head and wins the round, feeling empty for having to end his moment of joy. Lu Bu’s loyal army decides to follow their hero whenever he goes, even in death, and Thor, recognizing humans are strong, honored warriors, gives them their fate of desire.

This story, protagonized by the strongest warriors of their realms, is very efficient on manipulating our emotions. The average reader will probably not feel a deep connection, pity or cry for their favorite fighter, but it makes us feel exactly what the characters felt, and that happens because this Round is driven by contrasts: when Lu Bu can keep up with Thor’s massive strenght, we want to continue reading the fight; when he tanks Thor’s overwhelmingly powerful attack head on and comes back with a clean hit, we’re hyped, we feel the same frenzy as them, the fight is entertaining; but then Lu Bu tries to tank Geirröd the same way he did the first attack, and his legs break — it’s a sudden shift from the expected outcome, the fight dynamic changes drastically.

Our hopes are lifted up again when Lu Bu manages to use Sky Eater, we’re hyped to see how the human’s most powerful attack is gonna get us hyped again, but he ultimately loses. And when the fight ends, we feel the same emptiness Thor felt. But just like the nordic god, we learned to respect humanity’s strenght and look forward to the next rounds.

5. Visuals:

And last but not least, the spectacle of the fight. That’s not my area of knowledge, so I may not mention some aspects of it, but overall the fight didn’t lack any visual appeal; in fact, most of what I mentioned in section 4 wouldn’t work without it. The power given to Thor’s attacks is conveyed towards the pages, the explosions live up to the hype of the Strongest Nordic God; Lu Bu’s Sky Eater really feels as na all-powerful attack that could give humanity the win in the panels of his flashback; the characters facial expressions is, of course, top notch, and their designs are as cool as it can be.

We also have some insane panels, just what a mangá about gods fighting hystorical humans needs.

Conclusion:

This fight is extremely Hype, it’s almost perfect as an introductory Round for a tournament story like this. No big complaints at all. *But*, when compared to some of the next fights, we can see that Round 1 doesn’t have any GREAT writting moments either. Anyway, my final score is: 7/10 - Good Round.

As a disclaimer, although it's obvious, this is all my opinion and you're free to disagree or add to it in the comments, you may even like a character or a fight for a reason I didn't mention, or dislike it for any particular aspect. I would love to read what are y'all thoughts on Round 1.