u/AutumnAbyss3

My younger brother (29M) and his fiancée (29F) became engaged about a year ago and landed on having an international wedding in Italy. We (brother and future SIL included) are all based in U.S. and never have traveled out of the country before, so a trip to Italy is no small thing.

This couple have always been very 'fly by the seat of their pants' and self-involved. A lot of family have suggested that they have a wedding celebration stateside as most of our family can't attend a wedding in Italy, but they have declined to do so. Instead of requesting RSVPs, they talked to family and friends to ask if they would attend or not. If someone wanted any details on this wedding, they had to ask my brother or future SIL because nothing was in writing until recently. I had family asking me previously if I thought the wedding would still even happen because details were not being shared in any considerate, uniform fashion. From the start, this wedding has been poorly planned and tacky.

The wedding is in September and my future SIL only shared a password-protected wedding website last month or five months before the wedding. This is a small gripe, but I seriously have no idea why the website is password-protected as no personal details are listed. Some hard-to-remember Italian word is the password. I got the password wrong multiple times myself and I know my older relatives who are going likely struggled trying to access the website too.The picture shared with the website's QR code states that "formal invitations are to follow." However, invitations, physical or virtual, were never sent. Save-the-dates were also never sent.

The wedding is less than four months away. Invitations for a wedding that will require international flights, passports, multiple days of travel should be sent much, much earlier. I told my brother as much but he didn't heed my advice. This whole wedding has been communicated through word-of-mouth despite them hiring a wedding planner. Guests wanting to go to this wedding have to also book their accommodations and travel arrangements. There's no hotel block. No travel agent to help coordinate the travel. Nothing was done to make an international trip easier on the guests.

Despite this, I was going to try to make this work up until recently. Last month I go on the wedding website after my future SIL shares it with me. There aren't addresses or phone numbers on the wedding website, just references to the wedding planner, venue, and accommodations that *could* be an option. That's a choice, but whatever. While browsing, I check out the wedding party page. Lo and behold, I am the only sibling amongst the bride and groom not listed as part of the wedding party.

My future SIL's two sisters are maid of honor and bridesmaid. Her brother is a groomsmen. My youngest brother is the best man. I was never even approached about it. My brother and his fiancée either assumed I could not be there because I just had a baby two months ago or were more worried about how their wedding party would look with an extra bridesmaid than their relationship with me. To be fair, it likely never occured to them that they were being exclusive because that's how they are.

On top of this, back in August when I first told my future SIL that I was pregnant, she told me the wedding would NOT be childfree. Because I was never told anything differently, I have been operating under the assumption that bringing my entire family was an option. The past several months, I have told my brother that I needed time as a new mother before I could commit to who would be going, but when pushed, I said my husband and child would likely stay home.

Around two months postpartum or four months out from the wedding, I decided I would try to bring my husband and baby to this wedding because I thought it would be doable. I did not want to leave my family behind on my first international trip or leave my husband taking care of our baby for a week with no help. I brought this up casually to my brother because I was in the planning process and again, I was acting in good faith that the wedding was not child-free. My brother never indicated any deadlines for guests to commit to plans by.

The second time I mentioned my plans, we were all at breakfast with some extended family in town. At this breakfast, my brother and his fiancée failed to correct me when I said I was bringing my child. My brother called me hours after the breakfast to tell me that actually my child could not come.

I livid over the phone as I was blindsided and was starting to get excited about my whole family going. I told my brother I would get back to him with our decision. My brother's excuse was that I told him previously we wouldn't be bringing my child so they thought the wedding being childfree wasn't relevant to me, however, I know I never committed to anything. Even if I did, it is the bride and groom's responsibility to communicate any detail that would affect their guest's ability to attend early on regardless of whatever assumptions they have.

The child-free rule was essentially a ghost and wasn't even listed on their website when I looked. They never thought to mention it during the multiple conversations we had about the wedding this past year. I filled out third party paperwork for them needed for the wedding. My brother previously revealed to me that they are $20k overbudget. I talked to my future SIL about her plans for a florist. It blows my mind that during all these exchanges, they didn't think to tell me my kid couldn't come.

After becoming a mom, I knew I likely wouldn't be comfortable leaving my six-months-old for a week. Even so, I asked my aunt if she'd be willing to watch my child and she couldn't.

After my aunt confirmed she couldn't watch my kid for a week, I tried to have a civil conversation with my brother to communicate I would not be going to the wedding and wish him well. While I made it clear my decision was not rooted in anger or spite, I also told my brother I was hurt by the lack of communication pertaining to the child-free rule and being excluded from the wedding party. Both occurrences made me feel like an afterthought and should have been handled better, hard stop.

My brother proceeded to gaslight me, tell me I never communicated with him, and called me a liar (about contacting our aunt about childcare) among other things. He said my child was not the real reason why I decided not to attend, and I was making his wedding all about me. He couldn't wrap his head around why I felt any kind of way about being the only sibling left out of the wedding party.

I am still processing and even obsessing over all this because it's all incredibly disappointing, but I am very, very at peace with my decision to not go. I am also going no contact with my brother primarily because of how he responded to me.

Here goes nothing.

I am a 32F who moved to Dallas in 2024. It feels so hard to find friends who are also al

Background: My parents died suddenly three years ago so it was originally important to me to go to my brother's wedding since our parents won't be. I feel like I have had so much stress and twisted myself into knots trying to make going to this wedding work as the cost would be high and the logistics extremely difficult with three dogs and a newborn. After I lost my parents, I moved across the country for a fresh start and to be closer to my brothers, but my relationship with my brothers is not what I expected it to be. It's difficult to get them to commit to plans once a week and I have sometime gone a month or longer without seeing them despite living 20 minutes away. I don't want to burn bridges as they are my remaining immediate family and the only ones close by. I want them to be a part of my son's life even if my relationship with my brother won't be what I originally hoped for.

Should I go to my brother's expensive destination wedding after he revealed last minute that minute that my son cannot come or should I try to go with my husband and try to have a relative watch my son?

I posted this before but deleted that post. I added some context to this post and eliminated other context that I thought was less relevant as some commenters were focusing on it.

I am a new mom living in US with a two-month-old and the oldest of three siblings. My brother has been planning an international destination wedding in Italy happening in four months that in my opinion, feels disorganized and haphazard. I say this because details have been sparse or not well-communicated, which is somewhat typical for my brother and future SIL. No invitation or save-the-dates have been sent out. A wedding website with incomplete details was just shared within the past month or so.

I found via their wedding website that I am the only sibling not being included in the wedding party. My future SIL with three siblings has her two sisters as a maid of honor and a bridesmaid with her brother being a groomsmen. My youngest brother is best man. This leaves me the odd one out. I tried to see this through a lens of my inclusion making the bridal party "lopsided" and my lack of full commitment (I have always said it was likely I would attend) in going playing a role, but the fact I wasn't even asked upsets me further.

I became pregnant around the same time my brother and his fiancée started making plans for this wedding. Future sister-in-law comes over to my house last August to use my printer and make photocopies for their passports needed for the wedding (the only time she's been over without my brother). She's one of the first people I tell that I'm pregnant, and I ask if they're planning on having a child -free wedding. She says no and acts super excited at the thought of her little nephew coming to her wedding.

From when I was pregnant, I've been clear that I can't commit to my husband, son, and I all going to the wedding. This is because I needed time as a new mother to see how my baby would be health and temperment wise. My brother is having a smaller wedding and has asked me to commit on who is going. Nothing was said as far as my brother needing to know by a certain date. When pressured, I did say several times that odds are that our son, who would be six-months-old at the time of their wedding, wouldn't come and my husband would likely stay home with him.

Anyway, I started thinking how I really didn't want to experience my first out-of-country trip without my little family and how my son will likely be a much easier baby to take care of at over six-months-old. In reality, a six-month-old would be a lot easier than a toddler who is actively walking around, napping less, and eating solids. I also value not being a parent that halts their life because of their child. It's important for me to include my kid in the small and big things I do. Plus, while we much rather put the money towards our sizable debt, we have the money to go. It felt like the right thing to do even if it wasn't the most financially responsible thing to do.

Long story short: Within the past few weeks, we had been heavily considering all going and started to even get a little excited. I say considering because there was a lot to work out like getting the little guy a passport in time and figuring out the logistics.

Last Saturday, my brothers, future sister-in-law, and I go to breakfast with my grandparents because they were leaving after visiting this week. The wedding is of course talked about, and I mention that all three of us, including my son, are trying to go. I have mentioned this in front of my brother before but not in the prescence of my future SIL. Nothing is said at breakfast, but sometime later I'm home and my brother calls to let me know that \*actually\* their wedding is child-free and my son can't go. This is the first time I'm hearing about this, and I become extremely angry and upset.

My brother mentions cliffs, cobblestones, and stairs, which really aren't real reasons in my opinion. The reasons are less important as I respect childfree spaces and weddings, but I was seeking to understand as this news felt like it came from nowhere. My husband and I call him on speakerphone so we can get clarification on why this wedding is childfree. This time my brother said the wedding planner said children can't come and that the venue can't/won't accommodate children. The two other events they are planning aren't child friendly either. My brother's excuse for not saying something sooner is that we kept saying my son wouldn't come. I don't think this is a good excuse because I intentionally never said for sure if I would bring him or not.

It feels like should have been disclosed earlier on to say the least. The fact that I am only being told now that their wedding is child-free makes me feel like an afterthought and like my family wasn't fully considered in their planning. This fits a bit of a pattern where my brother and future SIL have made me feel excluded. I don't think any of this was done maliciously, but regardless, I feel hurt and like I wasn't afforded the basic courtesy of clear communication. My issue is not that their wedding is childfree, but that they did not tell me until a few days ago when there was ample opportunity to tell me months ago. Their wedding website also doesn't state anything about being childfree. This is all compounded by the fact that I was not even approached or asked about being in their wedding party. They either assumed I couldn't/wouldn't be a part or don't value our relationship enough to include me.

My brother has also stated multiple times that I should ask our aunt, who lives states away, to come and watch our son. My husband and I have been really frustrated at this suggestion because it's not my brother's place to suggest childcare for our baby. It's a huge thing to ask someone to travel hours away to watch a six-month-old by themselves for a week, and we aren't comfortable with that idea. I shouldn't even be put on the spot to tell my brother we aren't comfortable with that.

After I allowed myself to calm down, I have realized I am okay with two options.

1. My husband and I attend my brother's wedding, having a long layover in my aunt's city and dropping our son off at my aunt's home before we fly out to Italy. This is 100 percent contingent on my aunt being wholeheartedly able and willing to do this. I am much more comfortable doing this than having my aunt fly to where we live. She'll be the in the comfort of her own home and have the support of nearby family and friends if need be, including her two daughters who love kids and are early childhood educators. This would also give a chance for my grandfather to meet his great grandson and allow for my husband and I to have a vacation even if we'd be anxiously thinking about our son a lot. However, this option wouldn't eliminate the negativity I feel towards my brother and future SIL. This would still be several thousand out of our pocket that we could otherwise use for our home or pay down debt. I can't say how I would feel in four months, but I also don't want to bring bad energy or even resentment to a wedding.

2. We just not go on the basis that I don't want to leave my six-month-old for a week. I'm at peace with the thought of not going under the circumstances. In a lot of ways, I think not going would be the best option for my mental health. I would still give a gift and wish them well. I know I could live with this decision, but I wonder if I would regret it one day or if it would have a long term effect on my relationship with my brother, which may become more worthwhile in the future (or may not).

Regardless if what I choose, I do think I say my peace about how I feel regarding the lack of communication regarding the wedding being childfree and not being included in the wedding party.

What should I do?

My brother is getting married in Italy in September. I found out I was pregnant around the same time my brother and his fiancée started making plans for this wedding. Future sister-in-law comes over to my house last August to make photocopies for their passports (the only time she's been over without my brother). She's one of the first people I tell that I'm pregnant and I ask if they're planning on having a child -free wedding. She says no and acts super excited at the thought of her little nephew coming to her wedding.

From when I was pregnant, I've been clear that I can't commit to my husband, son, and I all going to the wedding. I couldn't commit for obvious reasons that should not require explanation (one doesn't know what their baby will be like until after their baby is born). My brother is having a smaller wedding and has been SUPER insistent on getting us to commit on who is going, which I think it bullshit because one person and a baby don't make a big difference and small wedding or not, life happens, people cancel last minute, people don't RSVP, etc. Again, I never committed despite him pressuring me too but I did say several times that odds are that our son, who would be six-months-old at the time of their wedding, wouldn't come.

Anyway, I started thinking how I really didn't want to experience my first out-of-country trip without my little family and how my son will likely be a much easier baby to take care of at over six-months-old. In reality, a six-month-old would be a lot easier than a toddler who is actively walking around, napping less, and eating solids. I also value not being a parent that halts their life because of their child. It's important for me to include my kid in the small and big things I do. Plus, while we much rather put the money towards our sizable debt, we have the money to go. It felt like the right thing to do even if it wasn't the most financially responsible thing to do.

Long story short: we had been heavily considering all going and started to even get a little excited. I say considering because there was a lot to work out like getting the little guy a passport in time and figuring out the logistics. I've said as much to my brother even before today.

So today my brothers, future sister-in-law, and I go to lunch with my grandparents because they were leaving after visiting this week. The wedding is of course talked about, and I mention that all three of us, including my son, are trying to go. Sometime later I'm home and my brother calls to let me know that *actually* their wedding is child-free and my son can't go. This is the first time I'm hearing about this and I'm raging. I'm not fully wrapping my head on why my son can't go. My brother mentions cliffs, cobblestones, and stairs, which really aren't real reasons in my opinion. My husband and I call him on speakerphone so we can get "clarification" on why this wedding is child-free. This time my brother said the wedding planner said children can't come and that the venue can't/won't accommodate children. The two other events they are planning aren't child friendly either. My brother's excuse for not saying something sooner is that we kept saying my son wouldn't come, which I disagree because I intentionally never said for sure if I would bring him or not...and I think I'm fully justified in not being able to commit before now all things considered.

The fact that I am only being told now that their wedding is child-free makes me feel like an afterthought. My issue is less that their wedding is child-free, but moreso that they did not tell me until today. Their wedding website doesn't even state anything about being childfree and they haven't sent invitations out or anything.

Half of me wants to not go to the wedding because I don't want to leave my six-month-old for a week. I think this reasoning is more than respectable. The other half of me wants to travel to Italy with my husband and son, go to the wedding alone, and make the rest of the trip a family vacation as much as I can, forgoing other plans they made outside of the wedding. Regardless, I want to communicate how I feel and why I feel the way I do beyond being angry when he first called me. What would you do or how would you react?

Optional context: My parents died three years ago so it was originally important to me to go to my brother's wedding since our parents won't be there. After I lost my parents, I moved across the country for a fresh start and to be closer to my brothers, but have not often been happy with my relationship with my brothers. It's difficult to get them to commit to plans once a week and I have sometime gone a month or longer without seeing them despite living 20 minutes away. I don't want to burn bridges as they are my remaining family and the only ones close in proximity.

I also don't like my sister-in-law: https://www.reddit.com/r/Vent/s/JTLEaJjiWu