u/Autumn_Sunshine1

Hi Reddit! I (30f) have a coworker (40ish, f) who is incredibly beautiful and popular. I'm wondering if and how I can be more like her.

I wouldnt consider myself a terrible conversationalist. I know a lot of the common tips and tricks like having an icebreaker, asking genuine questions in conversation, learning about the other person, etc. But, I tend to not initiate conversation first (I'm pretty shy and let people come to me) and I also really enjoy being alone, so in social settings I think I put out some significant "please don't talk to me I want to be alone" vibes, so there's definitely room for improvement. I often hear that I'm friendly, nice, smart, and sassy with friends and coworkers I'm particularly comfortable with. I enjoy listening to conversation, especially in larger social settings, and I dont enjoy being the center of attention, but I dont mind if I make an occasional joke and everyone laughs.

My coworker is well known and liked in our office. I like her a lot too and consider her a friend. She is gregarious and loud, but in a very joyful and friendly way. She's very smart and loves to be social. She's into fitness, good food, different cultures, and has been to many places all over the world. She makes a lot of self depreciation jokes, and often makes the group laugh with quick and witty jokes and comments. She organizes a lot of the office parties, such as if someone has a special birthday or retirement. People just seem to flock to her and enjoy being around her, and it's not hard to understand why when you know her. I realized she isn't perfect, shes high energy which sometimes irritates people who dont like bubbly personalities, but to me, she's the type of person I aspire to be.

I don't want to be exactly like her--she and I both bring slightly different dynamics to our office and I think that's a good thing. She loves being the center of attention, and I like a little bit of attention but mostly hang back. I dont want to overshadow or retract from her either--she is a genuine good person and I don't want to take any of that light away from her. I'm wondering though if there are ways I could be a little more like her. Have people be a little more drawn to me in a natural and genuine way. She also tends to be the person people go to in a crisis-- if there's a situation or someone is in emotional distress, she's usually the one they go to and she can take them aside and give them some good advice and talk them down. I've been this person in different group settings and I love helping someone feeling distressed, so it's a little sad for me when people go to her for support instead of me. Im happy that they get help from her, but I want to feel useful too. I think a lot of our coworkers just have a deeper connection with her over me, specifically because she initiates a lot of conversations with people and I don't.

Is this something that I can improve? Or do I just need to accept that she's popular and I'm not and that's okay? Thank you in advance for any advice, I sincerely appreciate the comments!

Hi! I (30f) have a lot of feelings, all the time. I've grown a lot for sure, and I generally consider myself smart and competent, but my emotions are one of the hardest things for me to get under control. I cry, A LOT. When I'm sad, angry, happy, overwhelmed, anxious. And much of the time my crying will lead to a headache soon after that stays for a long time past the feelings that began the crying. This has caused a lot of problems through my life, especially in the workplace (I feel the frequent crying makes me appear very unprofessional and makes it hard for me to do my job for the rest of the shift).

I am in therapy, and I've discussed this at length with more than one therapist, and the general consensus seems to be that my crying is not abnormal, it's just how I am and I shouldn't see it as a weakness. But I disagree, especially when the crying causes me so much grief. Therapists and friends (both my age and much older and more experienced friends) have told me it's actually a good thing--it shows I care, I have a lot of love for people and animals, it makes me a good listener, it makes me warm and personable, etc. Some of this I could see as an upside, but I think I could still exude these qualities if I cared at a lesser level.

I'm here asking for advice because when I feel hurt or betrayed by someone I'm close to, even over something small, I feel incapable of letting it go. A year ago, I was on an extended detail for work (2 months) and I went out to dinner with some new friends. I accidentally offended one of my friends (an older male) by talking about and asking him questions about a topic I didnt realize would be triggering for him, and he yelled at me before excusing himself to the restroom. I immediately started crying, and when he came back 5 minutes later and apologized to me, I was unable to stop crying even though I accepted his apology. We left soon after, me still crying as I passed by all the tables on the way out which was so embarrassing, and I had the worst night. I couldn't sleep, I was all stuffed up from crying, and I ended up with a horrible migraine. And even though I hadn't meant to offend him, which he knew and is why he apologized to me, I couldnt help but feel like I was the worst person ever for accidentally crossing a boundary. It was awful, and one of the worst times I've ever felt, and it was something that I'd imagine someone else would be able to brush off very easily.

This morning, I was informed there is a different work trip that I won't be allowed to go on due to budgetary constraints. I completely understand why I can't go, and it's not personal, but it was a trip I was looking forward to because the two coworkers who are still going are people I feel close with. I cried all morning because I feel rejected and excluded, and I get bad FOMO when I'm told I can't participate. It's like my head tells me it's logical why I can't go, but my heart tells me to still be sad and feel angry and upset, especially at the person who told me I cannot go.

How can I accomplish not feeling so deeply? The hurt feels like it goes to my very core, and it's so painful for something that is so minuscule. I've always wanted a switch within me that I could flip when everything feels like too much, but it's not something I've ever had success with. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading!

Hi all! I'm extremely tempted to buy 3 clothing items that I know I don't need. It's a half zip sweater and two dresses on an online website. I already know I love the brand based on other clothes I've bought from them. But they're expensive, so just the three items come to $280 dollars. I saw an advertisement and told myself I would just look, and now I have 3 things in my cart. I'm going to a music festival at the end of this month, and I get really excited about dressing up, so I found myself trying to justify the purchase because I need something cute to wear to the festival. I really want them, I am SO CLOSE to hitting buy and just dealing with the shame later. Please help!

Edit: truly, thank you all so much for the help and advice! I still really want them, but im sitting with the uncomfortable feeling of not purchasing and im "shopping" my closet instead. Thanks for grounding me ❤️

Hi! I think I've been a shopping addict for many years but it's only recent that I've realized it as a true addiction and not just being bad with money.

One of my biggest difficulties is buying clothes. I am very self concious about my weight, so I often buy clothes for both my current body and for my skinnier fantasy self. I've lost a significant amount of weight before, and so I also find it hard to get rid of the clothes that I was able to wear during that part of my life because they feel sentimental to me. I buy both thrifted and new clothes, both in stores and online. I've tried to be better about this for about 6 months now, but I've had many slip ups that im ashamed of.

Facebook is especially bad for targeted ads, so I end up buying a lot of clothes and stuff I don't need. I even know a lot of the marketing ploys, but they unfortunately still work very well on me. I've been trying to practice seeing something that I'd love to buy, and then talking myself out of buying it--sometimes I'm successful, but sometimes I end up buying it anyways.

I feel very proud when I end up not buying something. But recently, I've been seeing ads for some brands that I've purchased from before and I know I love the feel and quality of. The issue is that I barely have to scroll through the ad before seeing 5 things that I want to get, so I instantly go into a type of decision paralysis and don't even go to look on the website because I know I'll want to buy all of it. So, in the end, I want all of it but buy nothing, but it still doesn't feel like a win to me. I didn't go and talk myself out of each item. It just was instantly so exhausting to think about what I even would choose if anything that I gave up right away. Hoping that someone can help me understand why I feel so much disappointment in myself over what should feel like a big win when I don't buy anything because I want it all. Thank you in advance!