How can I fully let go
This past Christmas something happened that brought back my most painful trauma I’ve never dealt with. I’ve been letting go it’s a very long process and it’s far from over. Ive been isolating myself for 4 months. Did therapy up until a few weeks ago, I don’t think it helped and mainly its my fault, i cant really be fully honest with my core trauma its too much for me to process. Im very good at appearing that im fine, very good that I fool myself. I’ll give it another try I just don’t want to feel like I’m being managed I’m careful about what I say because I don’t want my therapist or anyone else to think I’m a danger to myself and take my freedom from me. I don’t think I would do that. I’m struggling and I dont know how to fully let go.
I’ve been giving away quietly I put on an illusion that I have more than enough for people to accept my help without any shame/guilt and to not arouse suspicion that I’ve giving away because I’m intending to not be here, I don’t think that’s my intention. It’s been a lot of people, the ones close to me and basically strangers in need.
Yesterday, a close friend I’ve known for a long time expressed her rightful frustration with me. She pointed out that I only offer assistance I can buy because I have enough resources. That i shouldn’t do things that worry her when it’s easy to just tell her im ok daily. While I wanted to be fully transparent with her, I’m content with her remaining unaware of the full context. In comparison to the amount I have given, I haven’t provided her with much support, I wish I could give more but, it was challenging to afford my last gift to her. I feel terrible to add to her burden she has a lot of pain to carry and I didn’t intend to add to it.
I’ve always been more successful then most of my peers, I tell my them it’s luck, and partly that’s true I downplay the cost and effort to get where I was. I just don’t want them to feel any kind of negative emotion in comparison, that has happened a lot and it never ends well and it’s most my fault. The constant pressure, anxiety, and stress to be able to make enough to provide sometimes survive, to make my mom proud and her efforts were not in vain. I don’t want to say my youth was tougher than anyone else. My family’s financial insecurity was hard. My Mom almost worked herself to death to provide, it broke my dad not being able to provide and he gave up and filled that pain with alcohol. My older sister did so much to help, she couldn’t really be my sister anymore she had to be another mother to me because my mom was always working and I was such a handful. That has haunted me for so long.
I got upset with a friend awhile back who I felt was manipulating me into giving him more money. He would get upset when I was struggling to fulfill his requests for non-essential things, like the most expensive MacBook available. After I had given him everything I could, I called him last night to apologize. I wanted him to understand that it wasn’t because I didn’t want to, I couldn’t. He didn’t see my perspective. He mentioned that I could let him use my credit, and that wouldn’t cost me anything. I don’t hold it against him. He grew up with wealthy parents who gave him money instead of attention. He kept asking how I was going to keep a roof over my head if I don’t have anything I told him that I’m not worried, not because that isn’t an option, but because I’m okay with it. I’ve given all the money / business interests / securities I have, and I still have a bunch of material possessions to give away. I’m okay with having nothing. I don’t want anything anymore. It’s a burden, and I feel the most freedom not having possessions. He didn’t understand, and that’s okay.
I still struggle with letting go primarily guilt. I can’t shake the guilt I feel for not being such a terrible son to my Mom. It’s an impossible debt to repay, and I should just accept everything she’s done for me as a gift because that’s what she really intended. I sort of wish my mom had the same option to be a uncaring mom, when I tell people about her I know I should only feel grateful but it hurts so much she had to go through that and I can’t do anything to make up for it. I’m working on it, but it’s the most difficult part. I’m not sure how to do it. She doesn’t want something as easy to give as money. She just wants to know that I’ll be okay and be around. Im trying to find a way to do that. I’ll try to start today by calling her, I’ve been afraid if she hears my voice she will know something is wrong. I’m doing ok I just don’t want to worry her. Maybe if I learn to fully let go I’ll be able to give her peace or I’ll have to let go of what I think is right because I’ve been going about this so selfishly dwelling on my pain and not working to fix her. I’m just struggling to find a way. Maybe people are right and I’m not putting in enough effort. I have worked demand jobs and run business with a lot of responsibility and I’ve been a lazy selfish asshole too.