u/Av8erphoto

I’ve been struggling in therapy ever since I spoke about a certain event when I was around 10 or 12 years old (my memory of it is a bit foggy). My father is an alcoholic and suffers from mental illness. In a rage he was attempting to reach his gun and wanted to kill my mom, sister and I. I tried to keep him away from his gun and I’m not sure what happened after that. I do remember my uncle showing up to take my dad’s gun away and to take me to stay with him. In my culture we respect our elders and things like this is always tried to be sweep under the rug. After sometime my family arranged for me to speak to my father. Everyone was urging me to forgive my dad and to apologize for my resentment towards him. I think it was their way of trying to get me to move past it since my father would not accept any fault in his actions.
There has been more incidents regarding my dad though out my life then I can count, and some I probably haven’t heard about since my mom try’s to protect me. A few years ago he was driving drunk and caused a lot of damage in the neighborhood. I returned home after sometime to check on my mom and to apologize to all the neighbors that had property damage.
The anger is gone. I feel for my father but there probably will be no reconciliation. I’ve tried to have some kind of relationship with him but his mental illness and alcoholism have made it difficult.
I’ve been in therapy for a while and that never was something I thought to bring up. It remember that it happened but it’s almost like I’ve locked it away. I’ve kept my distance from my father ever since then. The anger is gone, but no reconciliation as his mental illness has got worse. I’ve tried to have some sort of relationship with him but always ends up terrible.
I’m trying to return to normal life after an incident during Christmas that caused me to spiral and it’s been 5 months I’ve isolated myself.
I have much to do in the next few months and it’s urgent I get my affairs sorted and deal with something.
I just need to be able to function for a few months. I’ve tried different therapist, support groups, medication, friends checking on me, I have lots of help and support but I seem to be getting worse. I have underlying health issues that isn’t helping but that’s beyond my control.
Anyone with cptsd like symptoms that has had a recent trigger that caused them to be almost in a paralyzed state had anything help?

Hypothetically

If someone had cancer and is refusing treatment. They have seen family members fight the same cancer just to pass. They don’t want to cause months of false hope just to die.
This person has lived a great life and have got to have some amazing experiences and have met amazing people. They are tired now, made arrangements for them they pass, and want to spend the remaining time trying to do as much good. They have given to those in need of financial support, got supplies and equipment for young artists to help them with pursuit in a creative career. They were very fortunate to have support from established photographers when they were young. Basically as much as they can do to help especially the younger generation as they have a challenging road ahead.
They will let family and friends know at the last hour. They just don’t want to interrupt their families lives and have this cloud over them waiting for someone to die.
They got their friend’s daughter who is in school for photography a camera she loved and I knew she would keep it forever. One of her photos she shot with it got entered in a gallery and so was so happy.
I guess that’s all they want and brings them peace. There will be a lot of hurt but isn’t it inevitable?

A long time ago I did 5 MEO DMT after reading the spirit molecule by Dr Rick Strassman. He proposed that the pineal gland might release a flood of endogenous DMT at the moment of death. This is unproven and speculative. My experience literally broke my brain. Time didn’t exist. I can’t articulate what the experience was. I did feel people I knew that had passed flow through me like water. I don’t know what to make of it.
What we do in this world, does it matter when we leave? If we exist in another way why would our actions in this world matter? How can we prepare for death when we cannot understand what happens?

It’s been awhile since I knew. I’ve been through multiple different emotions. I’m now at peace with something out of my control. I want to focus and out my energy to help as much as I can before I leave this world. I’ve already gave most of my wealth from investments away. I still have a lot of sentimental things. My film cameras I travel the world with. So many things I’ve pick up from my travels. Things I’ve built. I’m not sure how to get started and who this should go to. I also am donating my organs, I’m not sure about the process to donate your body for science. Any suggestions or anything I missed would be helpful thank you!

This past Christmas something happened that brought back my most painful trauma I’ve never dealt with. I’ve been letting go it’s a very long process and it’s far from over. Ive been isolating myself for 4 months. Did therapy up until a few weeks ago, I don’t think it helped and mainly its my fault, i cant really be fully honest with my core trauma its too much for me to process. Im very good at appearing that im fine, very good that I fool myself. I’ll give it another try I just don’t want to feel like I’m being managed I’m careful about what I say because I don’t want my therapist or anyone else to think I’m a danger to myself and take my freedom from me. I don’t think I would do that. I’m struggling and I dont know how to fully let go.

I’ve been giving away quietly I put on an illusion that I have more than enough for people to accept my help without any shame/guilt and to not arouse suspicion that I’ve giving away because I’m intending to not be here, I don’t think that’s my intention. It’s been a lot of people, the ones close to me and basically strangers in need.

Yesterday, a close friend I’ve known for a long time expressed her rightful frustration with me. She pointed out that I only offer assistance I can buy because I have enough resources. That i shouldn’t do things that worry her when it’s easy to just tell her im ok daily. While I wanted to be fully transparent with her, I’m content with her remaining unaware of the full context. In comparison to the amount I have given, I haven’t provided her with much support, I wish I could give more but, it was challenging to afford my last gift to her. I feel terrible to add to her burden she has a lot of pain to carry and I didn’t intend to add to it.

I’ve always been more successful then most of my peers, I tell my them it’s luck, and partly that’s true I downplay the cost and effort to get where I was. I just don’t want them to feel any kind of negative emotion in comparison, that has happened a lot and it never ends well and it’s most my fault. The constant pressure, anxiety, and stress to be able to make enough to provide sometimes survive, to make my mom proud and her efforts were not in vain. I don’t want to say my youth was tougher than anyone else. My family’s financial insecurity was hard. My Mom almost worked herself to death to provide, it broke my dad not being able to provide and he gave up and filled that pain with alcohol. My older sister did so much to help, she couldn’t really be my sister anymore she had to be another mother to me because my mom was always working and I was such a handful. That has haunted me for so long.

I got upset with a friend awhile back who I felt was manipulating me into giving him more money. He would get upset when I was struggling to fulfill his requests for non-essential things, like the most expensive MacBook available. After I had given him everything I could, I called him last night to apologize. I wanted him to understand that it wasn’t because I didn’t want to, I couldn’t. He didn’t see my perspective. He mentioned that I could let him use my credit, and that wouldn’t cost me anything. I don’t hold it against him. He grew up with wealthy parents who gave him money instead of attention. He kept asking how I was going to keep a roof over my head if I don’t have anything I told him that I’m not worried, not because that isn’t an option, but because I’m okay with it. I’ve given all the money / business interests / securities I have, and I still have a bunch of material possessions to give away. I’m okay with having nothing. I don’t want anything anymore. It’s a burden, and I feel the most freedom not having possessions. He didn’t understand, and that’s okay.

I still struggle with letting go primarily guilt. I can’t shake the guilt I feel for not being such a terrible son to my Mom. It’s an impossible debt to repay, and I should just accept everything she’s done for me as a gift because that’s what she really intended. I sort of wish my mom had the same option to be a uncaring mom, when I tell people about her I know I should only feel grateful but it hurts so much she had to go through that and I can’t do anything to make up for it. I’m working on it, but it’s the most difficult part. I’m not sure how to do it. She doesn’t want something as easy to give as money. She just wants to know that I’ll be okay and be around. Im trying to find a way to do that. I’ll try to start today by calling her, I’ve been afraid if she hears my voice she will know something is wrong. I’m doing ok I just don’t want to worry her. Maybe if I learn to fully let go I’ll be able to give her peace or I’ll have to let go of what I think is right because I’ve been going about this so selfishly dwelling on my pain and not working to fix her. I’m just struggling to find a way. Maybe people are right and I’m not putting in enough effort. I have worked demand jobs and run business with a lot of responsibility and I’ve been a lazy selfish asshole too.

I’m an organ donor and have a few assets, but I also have big collections of various items. Throughout my life, I’ve had many hobbies and have accumulated quite a few collections. I’d like these items to go to anyone in my family who shows interest, but I assume most won’t be interested. For instance, I have a collection of vinyl records and vintage cameras. However, I’m sure no one in my family would be interested in my collection of hobo nickels and high-end sculptures. I’d like to donate the items that no one in my family would be interested in. Should I hire a lawyer to help me with this, or should I do my own research?