That's all. Keep hoping life will get easier. It doesn't.
Actually I would say it gets disproportionately harder as I get older and realize how much I struggle with just fucking everything apparently and it's not just some shit luck.
And I've always had this mentality of I will be stronger, I have to learn everything so I can be there for my family. I will never acknowledge any of my problems to myself because I am what I think. But damn.
The existential dread creeps in. I guess surfaces would be a more accurate word. Because it never leaves. Is it even existential? Idk. I'm just tired. Tired of feeling like I'm chasing meaning. Tired of a life characterized by obsession. Tired of struggling to connect to people. Tired of having to talk to people. Tired of feeling disconnected. Tired of living in my own head. Tired of being aware. Tired of the pervasive thoughts of having to continue, and even worse, achieve consistent stability. How does everyone else do it? It seemed stranger and stranger to me the older I got.
I need a reason for everything. I find it hard to reason with the human problem. I'm fine, this is just me. It's just... Tiring... Sometimes it feels better, sometimes I feel like it's just one change, but at the end of the day, it's all the same. I see patterns. The patterns in my behavior are difficult to ignore, especially as time continues its unlenting path. Just chasing meaning... Always looking for the next thing to desperately cling onto.
You're not supposed to think, I don't think. You're good at school? Off to college. You're not? Off to trades. You're a screw off? Off to some meanial job where you might work your way up. Find someone, have some kids. It's really not that serious. Just stay busy and have an obligation to provide for others so you don't get consumed with these selfish and defeating thoughts.
I guess a lot of people just end up being nobody in life. That's life. I still have my family. Wish I didn't. Would mean I wouldn't have to stay here and keep trying to move my feet forward. Feels like I'm never truly happy. Nothing is that significant. Drinking made life and socializing tolerable. I guess life is better without it. But 8 months out, it's clear the root of my problems were not from the act itself. I guess I already knew as much, but much more is now apparent to me.
I'm just so uncomfortable in my body. I want... Idk what I want. I just want to work on cars all day, even that can feel empty at times, but I do really like it. It's mainly everything else in life that takes me away from that. Have to get money for a property, and a nice garage. I dream of that. Yeah anyways, I already knew that: why I do what I do now. Have to try to get my long term thinking together enough to secure that. I'll still feel lonely. But sometimes trying to connect makes me feel lonlier. Sometimes I overthink the act itself. I worry I can't read people's intentions clearly. Idk.
Anyways, I'm tired. I shall try to sleep. Except I can't ever sleep. The cycle repeats again.
Pretty irritating, guess I have to send it back? Shoulda checked before I started working on it.