Feeling like a burnt out pursuer - advice? Partner seems to be improving, but I’m still burnt out.
TLDR, i blew up about how lonely i felt after chasing his attention during one of the most difficult periods of my life, he said he’d change, he is making steps to change, and im still burnt out several weeks after.
We are both early 20s. I had moved in with him after dealing with an abusive household, and i think that’s where i got most of my anxious attachment styles and other such things from. My boyfriend has been in a crazy autistic burnout, and it hasn’t helped either.
We’ve been together for a 5 years, and i feel like my rose-colored glasses kind of fell off and i accepted the relationship as being unhealthy for me in the past and sometimes present. I desperately wanted his attention, affection, and everything, but he was very busy and unable to fulfill those needs. It’s also a lot to get into, but most of his behavior i just chalked up to him being burnt out as i heard it i was very very difficult to deal with (I’m adhd but not autistic). He shuts down a lot during difficult conversations, and tends to get angered easily (has never hit me, but will occasionally raise his voice). He started shutting down because earlier in our relationship (both teens) he would say rude things out of anger, and has learned that if he says nothing, he won’t say those rude things. I tend to always forgive him because he is burnt out, so of course he’s irritable, and he does feel bad about it. He does show his affection, buys me food that i want, pays for my/our rent (I’m disabled), gives me cuddles, we eat lunch and watch shows together, and we had been making an effort to go out on more dates and such.
I felt like we fell into a certain dynamic, however. He would be too burnt out to clean his room (had told me that his clutter reflects his mental state from the beginning), so i was the one who usually at least brought dishes into the kitchen so they don’t pile up, did laundry, cooked sometimes (also because he pays rent), etc. I did these prior to becoming disabled and forced to stop my work, and tried to continue without complaint after he said he’d pay my share of rent for me. After he’s done with work, he is usually gaming for hours with friends. So much so that we sometimes barely get any time at night to talk and spend time together before sleeping. I also felt myself getting resentful that sometimes he’d talk more with his online friends than i, and i also suck at communicating because I’m scared to cause any issues (i shut down super easily if anyone gets mad at me.. working on it,, tend to backtrack a lot), so it had been boiling for a while.
Now to the present: while visiting my family abroad, i dislocated my knee. My kneecap literally slid out by the simple action of turning around and 12 hours before my flight back home - what a nightmare. I needed surgery to repair my ligament or else I’d keep dislocating it, and i decided to stay with my family to recover. I don’t particularly like my family as they were abusive to me, but i know I’d get good medical help w/o needing to research too much, and somehow their insurance made the procedure cheaper + i wouldn’t have to worry about going through an airport while injured (although i really wanted to be home). It was incredibly distressing and i needed a lot of emotional support during this time, and im only thankful that my family was somewhat behaved despite arguments here and there. They also have experience taking care of me as a kid as this is my 8th surgery. Later on, i ended up getting the surgery i needed and the recovery was very troublesome. The first week as difficult. The day i got back from the surgery, my boyfriend and i called and it was like a dream and everything i could hope for. I couldn’t stop laughing, i loved talking to him, he bought me lots of food and treats to be delivered to my house, and we literally called all day. It made me feel so happy that i forgot about all the other issues i had and just wanted to keep calling like that. However, it never happened. Either he was too busy playing video games, couldn’t tell his friend to leave at x hour like we planned, etc. i would spend my day waiting for him during my waking hours as the painkillers made me sleep the entire day away, i would text him often and send him stupid memes hoping he’d respond, and just wait patiently until he can finally call me. I started to get sad since we ended up not really being able to call all that much, but was a bit hopeful after my boyfriend said we’d have a nice date a day prior and roughly a week after the surgery. During that day, i spent literally all day just waiting for him. Basically what i said but 10x. I didn’t really focus on any of my hobbies because i was in waiting room mode. I started getting increasingly angry, and at 10pm, when all the restaurants would’ve been closed anyways, i sent him a text (as he hadn’t been replying much). Without going into too much detail, several hours later he asked me what was wrong and i ended up blowing up. I talked in length over how neglected i felt, how this was literally one of the most traumatic/worst points in my life, and all i wanted him to do was show up for me and he couldn’t do that. During this time, i felt like i was mourning the loss of the relationship i thought i had and i felt so alone. My own boyfriend wouldn’t even call me, my family is anything but emotional support (ran away for a reason), and i have been able to make my own friends during the past year but they can’t be emotional support pillars just yet. I also felt like it was just so unfair to myself to cry and wallow over a man who can’t show up. I don’t know, like my body was telling me that i needed to focus on myself even if it hurts and i need to start strengthening other support systems and spend more time with friends as well.
It was an incredibly difficult conversation and we were both crying after it. He said his side of things so i can understand him, and that he accepts that he had not been there for me and was not being a good boyfriend. He said he doesn’t enjoy gaming, but it is a coping habit for him so he doesn’t have to think about how depressed he is/how much he misses me. He then later clarified that he was going to do better. He also said he was very sorry and he didn’t know i was waiting for him the whole day.
And he has been a bit better. I’ve been more recovered now and therefore more busy with classes/physical therapy/hanging out with some older friends here so i can enjoy their presence while i can, so i haven’t been able to call as much. I don’t think we’ve had a day as wonderful as the day of my surgery as i feel like the magic is gone now. He is trying though. He tells me he misses me more and is the one to test a bit more now. He once felt bad that his gaming session took too long for us to call as i needed to wake up early, and offered a boba date later on on the week as compensation without me asking.
It is nice, but i don’t know. I just feel so tired. Sometimes i can’t even bring myself to immediately respond to his messages- like it takes too much energy. Sometimes i feel like.. where was he when i needed him the most 3 weeks ago? Sometimes i feel like he’s just going continue disappointing me and that i should take his advances with a grain of salt. Just thinking about everything is tiring, especially now that i have to deal with my own family and explaining to them that i want to go home soon (which they are against). Sometimes i feel like telling him we should just cancel a date or call anyways if we’re too busy. Idk maybe im becoming more avoidant? I feel like he’s noticing and is starting to become a bit more anxious now too. It feels unfair to me to be this avoidant as it’s not in my nature, but I’m just so mentally drained. This whole situation was horrible and i really wish i didn’t have to have a whole breakdown about my entire long term relationship while recovering from a major surgery.
Since he has accepted what i had to say and said he will do better while also making steps to feel better, i feel like this relationship is salvageable if we both put in the work. I also feel like i would be able to be less ‘burnt out’ if he keeps it up, although I’ll probably never be able to be like i was before with how anxiously attached i was. It also makes me so upset too, like i wish i could feel as nice as i did about the relationship as i did prior to all this, but oh well.
Has anyone else felt this way? Is it normal? I don’t know what i should do. I also already put him on a waitlist to get mental health help so he can seek a diagnosis/medication for his depression/burnout. If you’ve gone through something similar, please tell me how it went for you
Additionally, he had also said he’d be a caregiver had i gone back home (he doesn’t have a visa so he couldn’t see me). He had taken care of me when I was sick and such, so i do sort of believe him