I Can Barely Function Anymore
Since leaving, I have developed what I believe to be a severe anxiety and simultaneously, apathetic depression towards life. I wasn't this way when I believed.
No matter how many books on existentialism and stoicism I read to logically convince myself that life is worth it, I have this deep hole in my heart that says do nothing... just wither away. Quit hobbies, don't eat, wake up at noon, don't work, etc.
The only things that seem to help are spiritual - meditation, music, going outside. I cannot understand why I need these things to function, but I do. Perhaps the human psyche needs spiritual sustenance or it falls apart.
Only by reconnecting with my believing self, something I almost trashed when I lost my faith, do I reach some measure of peace. Why must I reconnect with the believer to survive, when I viscerally reject the concept of God? Am I full schizo or can anyone relate to this - feeling of falling apart unless they connect with something higher?