u/Background_Humor5838

This is gonna sound like a big selfish rant but just hear me out. I feel like I was somehow born to bear the burden of my entire family and I can't even focus on my own life. No matter what I do, somebody needs a favor from me. I cannot relax or plan my week ahead with confidence because I am certain a call or text will come thru soon enough. (This complaint is about certain family members, not all of them.) I'm tired of only being thought of when I can be useful. Nobody seems to have time to have dinner with me or go for a walk in the park but they need my time to deal with their lives both emotionally and literally. Lives they've chosen for themselves. Beds they've made if you know what I mean. What would they do if I wasn't here? I'm sure they would manage but since I am here, they don't need to manage I guess.

This is complicated to explain but basically, I've been a live in caregiver for a family member for a while. I recently moved back to my home town for my own well-being, needing a break from the toxic caregiving environment I was in. As soon as I get here, one of my parents immediately has all kinds of urgent needs they can't solve on their own because they are busy and stressed and whatever. Suddenly I'm running errands and getting the shit end of their attitude for things out of my control because they are stressed. Technically, they should be the one helping ME further my own life, not the other way around. I have siblings nobody bothers. They get to live their lives and focus on their careers and their kids while some of my family wants to know why I don't have kids yet. Hello I'm busy I holding everyone else's lives together and bearing a huge emotional burden.

I'm tired of being asked for things I can't say no to. Technically I can say no but I don't have good reason other than it's inconvenient and I don't want to but I'm tired of being put in the position to want to say no to something in the first place. Please just stop asking me. I don't work for you. I don't want the constant guilt of wanting to say no. When I do say no I get guilt trips and woe is me stories. After all this time caregiving for a different family member I feel like I'm just out of empathy. I don't care about everyone else's problems anymore. I dealt with this from this parent before I moved away and every time I came home to visit and now I feel like I just need to disappear somewhere people can't find me so I can live my life. I'm so behind in my life and my mental health is really suffering from my caregiving experience. It should have never been me in the first place. I feel like it's not normal for parents to rely on one particular child so much and for things they should be able to deal with. I'm struggling to articulate what's really going on but bottom line is I'm done being available. I don't want to have a reason to say no I just don't want to and that's it. I don't want to do anything.

I belong to a number of food/eating/nutrition subs where people often post pictures of their homemade meals. I'm often struck by how many people use paper plates. I remember using paper plates for kids parties but that's about it. Is it common to use paper plates for home eating in the U.S.?

People think the US invented hydration breaks just to show ads. Google is free.

I put bad in quotations because technically, this is only bad to me. Most people would not consider this any kind of issue whatsoever but I feel absolutely terrified and there is no compulsion or action I can take that will really undo what was done. Basically I accidentally contaminated almost everything in my house by touching something that just came from the store and then touching everything else. For my OCD, stuff from the store or stuff that has been delivered is considered dirty. I keep things separate, clean them, or transfer them to another container. I do this so that I can feel safe and comfortable using things in my house without having to wash my hands all day long.

I didn't realize something that was in my "clean" section of the counter was not, so I touched it then proceeded to rearrange everything in my pantry and cabinets thinking my hands were clean. I even picked things up and put them on my couch and walked around living life as if I am clean. That means I probably touched my eyes or mouth at some point and I honestly don't know how to fix this.

Obviously once I realized what happened I completely melted down. Full panic attack, sobbing, sweating, shaking. Then I calmed down a bit and decided to take a shower and clean whatever surfaces I could, but there are so many things that I can't really clean or take out or fix and I don't know how to feel safe now. I'm angry and sad that all my clean things are ruined and I'm scared that something bad is going to happen.

I understand that my thoughts are irrational but that doesn't make the feelings or the fear any less. I have an important even in a few days and I'm scared I'm gonna get sick and not be able to go all because I contaminated my house. I'm fully aware that I spent most of my life not being scared of things from the store and not cleaning anything when I brought it home and nothing bad ever happened to me, but that's not making this any better right now. What can I do? What do normal, sane people do? Or I guess more importantly, what do people like me do to get thru this?