How do you talk a child down, who tells the same tales of over reaction that you used to be at the end of? I require assistance in correctly defusing, because I don’t think “remember that time when…..” is going to help, especially when he strolls down memory lane, just for similar blow ups!!!!
No gender stereotypes, just a general question? My child was raised with his mum and dad, one parent would always be present during activities and the other would be present on occasion. One parent would predominantly be social, while the other would rarely be seen and even rarer without their partner. Things went tits up and it broke down, ones been on several European trips, of which the majority were spoke about as destinations for family holidays and yet the child has not been on one, social media although not a barometer of decency, is filled with memories, but slim pickings of any with the child? Yet the other parent who protects, prioritises and is present, is sold as the one who ruined the family. Sometimes I don’t think people realise how difficult it is to bite your tongue when your child tells of acts of selfishness that you were once treated with, because you’re protecting an image of someone who didn’t exist. Courts might not help, but children realise soon enough, but it will still be somebody else’s fault they turn to the parent who was present!
Listening to your child explain how they stay quiet during confrontation with your co-parent in the same manner you did as a partner to them…………listening to the same coerced explanation from your child, portrayed to them as it was to you, entitling selfish behaviour……the mountains out of molehills, the over reactions, the anxiety of an accident in the house, the being five minutes late……..difference is. I thought that was all I deserved. I hid it, partly embarrassed of what I’d become, partly because I thought this was compromise within a family. It wasn’t and it isn’t. Make as you will what it is, but they’ve been found out by their child a hell of a lot sooner than I ever would…….and they have a choice and it’s more of a given!
Hypothetically speaking! You’ve had a child with someone who you weren’t necessarily with at the time. Pregnancy entailed and one was reluctant to acknowledge their involvent. The tests were taken and proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. Still reluctant, the minimum child maintenance provided, the odd Sunday for a couple of hours, where the child was in a room with similar aged children they had no relationship with, while you were social somewhere else while the dinner was being made. Around about 8 years old, the present parent (not always, child was born at a young age, lacked the maturity to fully be responsible and the early years of the child were mainly spent under the guardianship of the grandparents, your grandparents) meets someone, they hit it off, they’re engaging with your child, are fully of your priorities and still continue to invest in what they feel is their future. It’s not easy, rocky times, 2 emotional people, who don’t always disagree, but during those breaks, that person always remains present for the child. The biological parent, throws the toys from the pram, cuts ties and instructs their family that they too should having no communication with the child, “they’ve got a dad now”………..not short of leaving their teenage years, the child still seeks approval, a relationship, some kind of presence from that person, so they continue to reach out, until finally they accept the proposal. Not even a friendship, the maturing adult is aware of the adolescence within this adult, that prevented them from ever being a present and nurturing parent. In fact, they were well aware of the resentment and jealousy towards them, bourne out of the growth and success achieved without their involvement. They knew who stepped up in that persons absence.
This was a parent through blood and nothing more. No day trips, no school uniforms, no sleepovers, no birthday treats, no holidays, no help with homework, no calls to see how their school report had gone. Now imagine that you’ve grown to be an adult, your mum and dad (gender neutral post, so no identifying which one is blood) had another child, and your three was now four. You didn’t lose out as they had provided all they could. Now imagine that despite all that happiness, your two parents just couldn’t bring balance to each others life’s. One spoke of family life, but lived very social. The other was family orientated and although could be social, predominantly lived life through their family. It became heated, confrontational and while one self sabotaged the other chose avoidance and neglect. The split was inevitable and in the best interest of the child, the younger sibling. But what wasn’t in their interest, was the events that would follow. Not a month after one parent had left the marital home, the other was known to be involved with someone always on the fringes of their marriage, within two months they were travelling with the very person who turned their back oh their first child. Within 3 months sharing social media posts that only your 12 year old would see, stating your love for that person. A child brought up being told that this person was nothing but abusive, aggressive, lacking any ability to be a decent human being, selfish, misogynistic, unaccepting of minorities, unaccepting of certain minorities who your parents held dear as friends. There’s probably a movie in there somewhere and it should be called unforgivable, because what was done during the first child’s growth should never be accepted, but to consider that the absent parents growth as a human being during that neglect, which is paramount to psychological abuse is worthy of being introduced into your second child’s life without the blink of an eye. That’s worse and if their is anybody who should not be able to forgive that person, it is the parent who saw the disappointment of a child on a weekly basis, because an hour a week was just too much effort. I’m not bitter for me, I’m frustrated that they’re one and the same!