u/BaconConnoisseur

The inn gets wrecked all the time and Erin pays to replace and fix walls, tables, chairs, and dishes each time. Never mind that she’s usually hosting 1-3 mages who can cast the repair spell. Instead of spending 8 gold coins on each glass window, they should go back together for a fraction of the time cost and effort.

The repair spell gets used exclusively on IPhones and nothing else. Why not just call it the recharge iPhone spell since that’s all it’s good for.

I’m on a small team of slightly deranged individuals responsible for providing world wide technical support for the dealers who sell my company’s products. Many of the technicians we support are competent individuals and a pleasure to work with. However, there are a few who don’t know which way is up.

So no shit, there I was. . . Sitting at my desk, minding my own business, and doing absolutely nothing unexpected, when Jake Tucker from Family Guy calls in.

Jake is working on a product that is essentially a bank of input cards used to monitor a variety of sensors and it is not going well. The sensor readouts are reporting Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes... The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... MASS HYSTERIA!

The conditions outside are in fact somewhat better than that so we get to work straightening out the sensor inputs. It doesn’t take long before I realize there is something a bit off about what he’s telling me.

This type of device has a row of analog and digital sensor input cards that need to be configured using an online tool. The physical placement of these cards matters when you start configuring them through that tool. The input cards also contain several jumper blocks that need to be adjusted to accommodate the supply and input voltages. We quickly find out Jake has mounted the entire assembly sideways and has chosen to refer to the top as the bottom and bottom as the top.

This at least explains all our issues as the configuration assignments are all in the wrong places and the jumper blocks are a mess. I then inform Jake of the error and attempt to proceed with fixing it all. The problem is that Jake is entirely incapable of reorienting himself to view the assembly from the correct point of view and we are going nowhere fast.

I could have spent the next 3 hours painstakingly walking Jake through each step of the process and correcting each mistake multiple times but I had a far more elegant solution.

I flipped my manual so the bottom now faced the sky and proceeded to give Jake all his instructions upside down and backwards. Jake would then do the opposite of what I told him which resulted in everything being in perfect working order after 15 minutes. Sometimes it pays to behave like a Looney Toons character.

I’m on a small team of slightly deranged individuals who have the duty of providing world wide technical support for my company’s products. We support the dealers who sell the stuff and are “supposed”train their technicians in the basics of how to be a technician. Basic things like breathing out shortly after breathing in or FIRE. . . (Emphatic gesturing) HOT. However, it seems that many of these technicians were just the first mammal that could pass a drug test. They are given a truck full of tools and the most effective weapon they will ever wield. It is a mythical instrument on par with Excalibur or Mjolnir. This legendary item that obliterates all foes before it is. . . our phone number.

So, no shit, there I was. . . sitting on the other end of that mythical phone number congratulating its user on having passed a drug test (not really, but it’s funny, so bite me). We’ll name our intrepid hero of mammals, Cricket because I could literally hear several crickets in the background during our call. However, I choose to believe the sound was echoing out of an empty space between his ears.

Cricket was calling in because panel 2 was offline. This alone isn’t a big deal as panel 2 is an odd variant of our product and most techs need a prod in the right direction to get their bearings.

Me: OK I’ll have you select the comms page in the top right of the touch screen. (10 seconds of insects chirping). Do you have the page pulled up?

Cricket: What page?

Me: On the touch screen. . . In panel 2.

Cricket: Oh let me go open up the door. (Walking noises followed by creaking door noises). Ok. Now what?

Me: Click the comms page button. (10 seconds of insects chirping). Have you found it in the top right corner of the touch screen?

Cricket: Touch screen?

Me: The giant rectangle that takes up the entire inside of what you just opened.

Cricket: Oh. It’s all black.

Me: Does it have power? (10 seconds of insects chirping). Hello?

Cricket: How do I tell?

Me: Tap the screen. If it doesn’t wake up, take a reading on the DC power supply. (10 seconds of insects chirping). Sooooooo. . . Is there voltage on the DC power supply?

Cricket: I don’t have a meter.

I’m very exasperated at this point. I’m not even joking about the long pauses after my questions. If this guy doesn’t understand a question or command, he just stands there silently and gives no indication. I’m doubly annoyed this guy didn’t even get out of the truck to look at the panel or even try screaming at it to assert dominance before calling for help. Then I’m triple annoyed he doesn’t have an electrical meter which is the most important, must have tool in our profession.

After a bit more talking, liberally sprinkled with chirping insect filled pauses, we determine the power to panel 2 is not ON because nobody pushed the “Go” button on panel 1.

Me: OK. Can you push the “Go” button on Panel 1? (More chirping insects). Soooooo. . . You gonna get that?

Cricket: It’s really far away. Can’t you do it?

I’m literally 1000+ miles away talking to him through a phone, but ironically, this is the least stupid thing he’s said all phone call. Unlike panel 2, panel 1 is online and working perfectly. I log into it (hooray for admin privileges) and push the go button. Almost immediately I hear a confirmation the screen on panel 2 is doing stuff now. A few checks later we determine that everything looks in order with one exception. The telemetry unit has no antenna. It’s just gone like it was never there to begin with. And that’s because. . . Surprise! it was actually never there to begin with. I figure another drug test passing mammal was involved during the installation process.

After this discovery, Cricket hangs up to drive back to headquarters and get a new antenna which completely fixed the issue.

Cricket called back the next day as Panel 2 was offline again. We had already established that pushing the “Go” button on panel 1 provides power to panel 2. However I did fail to cover the important and not at all intuitive detail that pushing the “Stop” button on panel 1 removes that power. Panels and telemetry units without power. . . Guess what? They don’t work.

That old man with cauliflower ear will be an excellent next victim.