u/BadTaxidermy115

Hi, everyone.

I'll try not to make this too long.

I (33f) have been "weird" my entire life. It's only in the past two years, when my two youngest children (3 yo male & 5 yo male) were diagnosed with autism, when I started to research autism and things just clicked for me.

As a kid, I was very isolated and always wanted to just read. My mom forced me to go to birthday parties because she was "worried about me always being alone." I would dance constantly in my room to music, my brain racing with scenarios involving my hyperfixations (mostly on fictional characters, which I still do, and I'm also a writer). I never had friends at school. A few acquaintances that were pleasant to be around, but wouldn't call them friends.

I was diagnosed with anxiety as a teenager. Something I still take medication for, which has helped a lot. One doctor suspected me of having Asperger's, but because she wasn't my official doctor in the residential treatment center I was in, an official diagnosis was never made.

I married my husband (now 34m) when we were both 22, and we just clicked right off the bat. We were both awkward, loved reading, and just genuinely enjoyed being around each other. We've been married almost 12 years, and he and I both suspect that he might also be on the spectrum. We have three kids, 10m, 5m, and 3m, and I struggled with postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis with all of them. I love spending time with my kids, but sometimes I get really overwhelmed with all their sounds.

Now that I've been researching more about autism, so much that I felt shame for things I thought were "wrong" with me. I've been trying to unmask, and it feels so liberating. I'm not ashamed of my special interests and hyperfixations anymore. I get excited telling my husband about my current WIP, and tell him all kinds of odd details about my characters. He always listens with enthusiasm and gets almost as excited as I do, haha. I joke with him that he "matches my freak," lol.

In social events, I'm absolutely terrified and remain terrified until I cry after the event once I'm home. I try to act "normal" and determine what a normal person would say in response to something. I used to nap a lot because my brain was just so full of noise, and I wanted to disappear into one of my stories.

Now that you have the background, here's my problem: I'm afraid of getting an official diagnosis. Because what if I don't have autism, and I'm just "weird"? I know I have it -- but I'm afraid everyone will think I'm just looking for attention. My parents and siblings don't believe me when I say I have it because "I'm too high functioning."

Every time I tell someone that I'm on the spectrum, I feel like I have to pull out my whole history and life story to justify it. Why do I feel that way? Why do I feel like I'm taking up other people's valuable space in this world? Why do I feel like a weird alien everywhere I go?

Anyway. Thank you so much for reading. My heart hurts, and I just want to feel beautifully and unashamedly me for once in my life.

Hi, everyone.

I'll try not to make this too long.

I (33f) have been "weird" my entire life. It's only in the past two years, when my two youngest children (3 yo male & 5 yo male) were diagnosed with autism, when I started to research autism and things just clicked for me.

As a kid, I was very isolated and always wanted to just read. My mom forced me to go to birthday parties because she was "worried about me always being alone." I would dance constantly in my room to music, my brain racing with scenarios involving my hyperfixations (mostly on fictional characters, which I still do, and I'm also a writer). I never had friends at school. A few acquaintances that were pleasant to be around, but wouldn't call them friends.

I was diagnosed with anxiety as a teenager. Something I still take medication for, which has helped a lot. One doctor suspected me of having Asperger's, but because she wasn't my official doctor in the residential treatment center I was in, an official diagnosis was never made.

I married my husband (now 34m) when we were both 22, and we just clicked right off the bat. We were both awkward, loved reading, and just genuinely enjoyed being around each other. We've been married almost 12 years, and he and I both suspect that he might also be on the spectrum. We have three kids, 10m, 5m, and 3m, and I struggled with postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis with all of them. I love spending time with my kids, but sometimes I get really overwhelmed with all their sounds.

Now that I've been researching more about autism, so much that I felt shame for things I thought were "wrong" with me. I've been trying to unmask, and it feels so liberating. I'm not ashamed of my special interests and hyperfixations anymore. I get excited telling my husband about my current WIP, and tell him all kinds of odd details about my characters. He always listens with enthusiasm and gets almost as excited as I do, haha. I joke with him that he "matches my freak," lol.

In social events, I'm absolutely terrified and remain terrified until I cry after the event once I'm home. I try to act "normal" and determine what a normal person would say in response to something. I used to nap a lot because my brain was just so full of noise, and I wanted to disappear into one of my stories.

Now that you have the background, here's my problem: I'm afraid of getting an official diagnosis. Because what if I don't have autism, and I'm just "weird"? I know I have it -- but I'm afraid everyone will think I'm just looking for attention. My parents and siblings don't believe me when I say I have it because "I'm too high functioning."

Every time I tell someone that I'm on the spectrum, I feel like I have to pull out my whole history and life story to justify it. Why do I feel that way? Why do I feel like I'm taking up other people's valuable space in this world? Why do I feel like a weird alien everywhere I go?

Anyway. Thank you so much for reading. My heart hurts, and I just want to feel beautifully and unashamedly me for once in my life.