u/Beautiful_Road_1997

Been learning some things about my wife lately. I’ve been connecting with her on a deeper level after having an almost dead bedroom for a while. It’s been great. We’re both 46 and have 4 children together. She really likes the eye contact and connection we’ve been having. I’ve noticed her postponing the deed until I fall asleep and then she goes to town on herself or by herself. Or she’ll take a bath and then be really relaxed and go to sleep. It’s like her solo time is a sleep aid. She’s big into the fantasy romance books and it seems her horniness corresponds to when she is getting to the steamy parts of her book. It starts to bother me when she uses me for fore play and then finishes in her fantasy land without me. She doesn’t know that I know that she’s taking care of herself but I’ve literally watched her do it when she thought I was asleep. She’ll even check and make sure I’m asleep first. Tonight I saw her sit up and stare at me and I asked her, why are you staring at me and she said she was checking if I was asleep. Oh ok.

Not sure where I’m going with this but I am bothered.

Edit: we have sex once a week. She does get off when we are together. She gets on top and controls the grind until she goes. She shakes, it’s real. But then she’s playing (alone) more than I am so it seem I’m a little jealous I guess?

She’s super shy to talk about what she’s doing, grew up very conservative and sex was shameful and all that so trying to talk to her can be akin to shaming.

Do any married women who read the spicier Romantasy novels 3/5 and above not masturbate? Or do they go hand in hand?

No judgment here one way or the other, I think those activities can be healthy potentially.

Edit: I appreciate the genuine/honest replies.

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years, and recently something has shifted. She’s become distant, less playful, and more protective of her phone. When we are intimate, it feels mechanical, if it happens at all, and the closeness we used to have just isn’t there anymore. A couple time she’s worn more makeup mid week and that might not sound like a big thing but after 20 years of being together it’s a shift of the pattern.

Lately, I’ve been trying to rebuild the emotional connection first, holding off on pushing anything physical. Last night, I asked if she wanted to talk, and she responded, “I don’t have any questions to ask you.” It felt awkward, and then she just went to sleep.

She’s been reading a lot of romance novels, and it leaves me wondering if she’s getting that emotional connection somewhere else—whether in those books or beyond. I also just came out of tax season at work, and I tend to gain weight during the winter, so I know that could be a factor physically.

But honestly, it feels like more than that. It feels like she’s no longer attracted to me, not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically. Like I’ve become predictable, uninteresting… the same old version of me that no longer excites her.

We have four kids, and I’m trying to handle this the right way. I’ve been tempted to look through her phone, but I’ve held back because I want to respect her privacy.

I’m just not sure what to do next. In the past, we’ve talked about intimacy issues, and it would improve briefly, but then we’d fall back into the same pattern or worse.

I’m doubtful there is physical infidelity, but her recent actions are different than before. She’s quick to come get her phone if I’m around it. Something is off. Like a red flag.

Any advice would be appreciated.