MDD struggles + general vent
Im in my teens have no sense of identity or.. anything in my life. That’s pretty vague, and I will need to elaborate to get my point across in the rest of this post, which will be long ramble. I know it’s normal to feel confused or lost in terms of my identity or direction in life at my age. Completely! But I feel I’m struggling in ways that go slightly beyond that. I would be so happy to talk about my situation/feelings more, as this post is very little of it. I really need somebody to talk to as I feel nobody really quite understands what I struggle with (specifically the MDD and the massive impact it’s had/is having on my life). Absolutely any kind of response would be so lovely.
I struggle massively with MDD (maladaptive daydreaming) pretty badly. I’ve been pacing in the 3m space of my room since I was a kid and had a room to myself after I was taken away to life with my grandparents. I pace for 2 hours a day MINIMUM when I have compulsory things to turn up to, like school, and on days I don’t for as long as 10 hours. The whole day. It keeps me from sleeping usual hours, completing schoolwork, taking care of my body/needs (washing, eating), from socialising, from having hobbies, from watching movies, playing games… Even things I want to do, I find I cannot do because of my addiction to daydreaming. I also find that even when I am managing to perform basic tasks I am constantly in another world in the back of my head. I’m always running some kind of daydream, thinking about what I’m doing in third person. It completely overwhelms me. I feel like a shitty old computer with far too many tabs open. I quite literally feel like my brain is melting and I’m becoming stupider as I get older.
By becoming ‘stupider’, I mean I find myself less and less able to keep up and remain aware and thinking. I get lost if I’m out and about, I forget things super easily, I struggle to pay attention to things, sometimes I can’t read. it’s made me super ditzy. Head in the clouds, quite literally. I went from being one of the top performing students in my area to not passing at all (though I’ve never HAD to work out put much effort in, it just seemed to slip away?) I know nothing, about anything. I would like to say I’m a pretty bright teen, but I don’t feel it all. I have no awareness of what’s in front of me, who I’m talking to when it’s happening…. anything. I work completely on autopilot and I feel like I have very little agency. I have been to get my eyes tested at the opticians multiple times as of recent because my ‘vision’ is that bad, I was convinced I couldn’t see properly or needed glasses, even though its perfect.
I also have very little feeling toward a lot of the things in my life. I don’t care about things most people care about. I don’t care about my family, I don’t care about my friends. I don’t think it would bother me much if they all died, or if they experienced horrible things in their life. I feel the same way about myself. I have no attachment or interest in anything to do with personal things like hobbies or anything either.
Day to day is a lot of pretending and a lot of lying. I lie a lot. Not intentionally, just off the tongue, because I truly have nothing to say to anybody. Its my best attempt at keeping people around or seeming interesting, or more like a whole human being. Due to my constant daydreaming and lack of engagement with anything tangible, I have very very little to talk about. I’m a professional poser, If you will. I’m really good at it too, and that makes it even harder to communicate any of this. I seem SO put together. I’m told regularly how aware I am. This has left me feeling completely disconnected from everybody. I feel like nobody knows me, and I don’t know me either. And I’m starting to worry I’ll go never knowing, or at least not for a long time, without some sort of help.
Beside the daydreaming (which is hard to say because I’m in a constant state it, whether fully immersed or just in the back of my brain) I would say my mental health is pretty poor. If I’m not constantly distracted I spiral pretty quickly and get intensely existential and suicidal. It’s pretty agonising. I’ve tried to sit with it, but it doesn’t really work because my mind is so good at taking my elsewhere.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to feel like a normal person. Obviously there’s no ‘normal’, not really, but you get what I mean. With the way I am now, I cannot imagine myself living alone, holding a job… not even that, but leaving the house more than once a week. I feel I have a lot of potential and that it’s being wasted inside of me and burned out in my brain before I can do anything with it. If I continue like this any longer, I don’t think I can continue at all. It’s hard to get across a lot of how I’m feeling with words, as most mental health struggles are. I feel like everything in my life is a hazy concept.
I live with my grandparents currently as briefly mentioned at the start of this post. I would consider it an abusive household. I avoid my grandprents whenever I get the chance, and I feel like they’ve only dug this hole deeper for me ever since I moved in when I was around 7. I’m left alone for days to live in my daydreams, I’m routinely told what a nasty person I am, I’m discouraged from doing anything as my nan is narcissistic (not necessarily negative, but with her definitely so) and controlling and negative and will quickly shut down any rare moments of motivation I do have. Which, for me obviously completely crushes it as I have almost no drive to begin with. I am always in the wrong here. My grandfather only enables her behaviour and doubles down on my issues.
I’m moving out to live with my mother again (along with her partner and my new little brother) and starting a new college in the area in hopes that a new more supportive, understanding, family oriented environment will help me come out of whatever weird shell I’m in. It’s going to be a highly stressful change for me because I’m so comforted by and stuck in my ways, but I know it’s necessary. I’ve had issues with being triggered by mother, likely because of my childhood which I can’t be bothered to recount right now, but in short was a lot of neglect and instability which I have trouble even remembering/do not have a clear story of. I’ve been prone to breaking down around her and struggle with navigating our relationship as I feel so I’m edge. I hope living together will show us both the best side of each other and allow us to understand each other.
I’m in the last couple weeks before this move, and the emptiness of summer is driving me slightly crazy as all I have to do is daydream and rot and get more and more antsy.