my family is ruining my prospects
hey everyone. 23f here (22, about to turn 23). tl;dr at the bottom.
about two years ago, my family had me “forcibly” engaged to my first cousin. “forcibly” in quotations, because although i was asked for my consent, i was also told i needed to present my answer that very night otherwise my phuppo’s family would retract the proposal. feeling the pressure, i said yes, then spent the next year crying to mother about how i could never marry this man. we talked, and i quickly realised our personalities and humour was completely incompatible.
still, i persevered, because i was always told that my father would never take a stand for me over his sister. eventually, the situation became worse, and tea spilled over to my dadi, who was then constantly in my business about why the two of us were no longer talking. my mother, afraid of how my dad would react if he were to find out all these complaints against me from her, finally told him the situation herself. he spoke to me once, heard me out, and then respectfully ended the engagement.
now, of course, prideful dadion ko ye baat hazam nhi hoti ke kiski itni jurrat ke unke banae hue rishte ko turwaya, and she started accusing me of having an “affair” in university, which wasn’t true at the time, but now i do like one of my classmates (22m).
when i told my mother, she was immediately terrified that my father is going to turn on us, and accuse my mother of lying/taking my side when this was happening all along. it wasn’t (it’s barely 6 months old), but that’s besides the point. so, now i have a man in mind that i like and actually want to marry, but my mother told me to “take it slow,” and wait until we graduate (in a month) and until he gets a govt job (in a year).
this is where the problem arises: if i wait a year and that man doesn’t pull through (because i also have to be realistic—a lot of men back out last minute after promises of marriage), i’d have wasted a perfectly good year where i could’ve found other matches, and my mom has ingrained it so deeply into my head that the older i get, the harder it is to find matches for women in pakistan.
my one, most sincere dua for the last 3 years has been for marriage. i want to be married. i want to experience sex and romance. call me a deviant, idc. i was always scared of being stuck in a loveless, passionless marriage to a rigid, traditional man who will make my life miserable. now that i finally have someone in mind who makes me desire marriage, my mother is afraid to bring it up to my dad because of my dadi.
the worst part of all this is i’ve developed a deep affection for this man. it would be so unfair if a year later my mother starts looking for other rishtas, and i’m unable to wholeheartedly invest myself into a new arranged partner because i didn’t get any time to move on.
i wish pakistani family culture wasn’t this toxic. i completely understand if this man isn’t meant to be my husband, but i would rather not live in this weird limbo where idek what to do. i just want my dad to meet and evaluate him quicker 🙁💔
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tl;dr: was entirely uninterested in marriage until i started liking someone, and although my mom has met and likes him too, she won’t do anything about it because my immediate relatives will lose their shit if they find out it’s a love marriage.