u/BodhisattvaJones

After 25 years together, my wife handed me divorce papers a few weeks ago. I am devastated and have cried more tears since than throughout the rest of my life. Everything hurts right now. I used to be a regular here but just kind of faded out. Today, I saw the sub again and thought about gratitude again despite the pain.

Just over two weeks ago my wife of 23 years (25 together) handed me divorce papers. We’ve had struggles but never thought it would come to this. I signed them.

Now, I’ve got so many things I have to get done. I managed to get an apartment lined up but all the other stuff like getting new car insurance, setting up utilities, filling our paper work seem impossible. My brain is on fire but can’t seem to do these things. Even though I know better it’s like if I refuse to get these things done this will all go away.

When will I feel human again?

Not sure what the point is. Just in bed at our house with a few days left before I move out. I look up at our wedding photo and remember her saying that. The empty place in my chest feels as wide as the universe. I love her so much. It was not a perfect marriage but she made me so much happier than I would’ve ever been without her.

Just divorcing in my mid-50s after 25 years. Against me is that still having kids at home will leave me very tight financially. For me is that I’m still in good shape and workout. Good job and education. Women say I’m attractive. But I guess I’d have more hope if I wasn’t so cash-strapped. Not in poverty but not a lot left over after the bills are paid.

This seems nuts. Long affectionless marriage that I fought to save. I’m not a quitter but now that’s done. I just want to find a woman who needs to feel love again just like I do. But where do I find that today. I’ve been off the market for so long. I’m not bad looking I think. Educated and fit. Lots of interests but feel like a total rookie.

Twenty-five years!! How can she just throw me away like that? Make me lose my home, living with my kids, my dogs, my partner and best friend, my self-esteem and self-respect, my financial stability (and hers too!)? I could never do that to her. Never!

She’s as addressing old trauma of her own but it seems in that process everything has become trauma to her including me. I’ve been faithful, never even threatened to raise a hand towards her, never even called her a nasty name during an argument. No addictions, no gambling. Worked hard and earned for our family the whole time. Adopted three kids from
Foster care and created two others.

I’m 54 years old. How to start again when I don’t even know if I can afford to keep a roof over my head? How do I try to find someone so I’m not alone forever? How do I do anything?

I begged and sobbed and asked her to re-think this. Her complete lack of any softness or empathy knowing what she was condemning me to was crushing. She says she just needs to do her trauma healing on her own. I offered any accommodation to help her do that. Nope. No bend, no negotiation. Just I need to go. Only one element of any of her trauma does she even account to anything having to do with me and even conceded that her take on an incident may not even be factual but it’s how she “internalized it”. So I’m held accountable for something that did not even occur either when nor how she has decided it did and what my motives were. She has no actual memory of it! She even says her previous trauma (unrelated to me) may have caused her to create an incorrect account of it. And it is absolutely incorrect but she will not even work with me to work through any of it.

All these years, i believed we were a great love and would work through any challenge as we always have. Now, after all the years of accepting the lack of concern for my emotional needs so she could be happy, her suicide threats to manipulate me into doing what she wanted, her total lack of remorse when she’d be in the wrong, her unwillingness to do counseling with me I’m disposable. I finally got her to get help for her mental health because I wanted her to be healthy. I was willing to step back and let her get well. What do I get? I’m the thing that keeps her from healing and being happy? Really?

I love her so much and my heart is broken. But I could get through that part but because she decided this HAD TO Happen when we still have fours kids at home I don’t even know if I’ll be able to keep a roof over my head or keep my car payments up so I can get to work. If I can’t work I can’t pay her anything for the kids. If I can’t pay anything for my kids I could end up in jail. How is any of this an okay way to leave someone who gave you their everything for twenty-five years? I did nothing of any magnitude that justifies this. Nobody is perfect and I made typical mistakes but she also made some huge ones without remorse. We could’ve kept this world together without burning it all down.

How do I rebuild, meet someone else maybe, heal when I don’t even really know why this happening and if I can’t survive? I’ve done all the right things all these years now I’m nothing.