AITA for telling my sister maybe she should not date until her daughter ia ready?
Hey, my BIL paaed away at 39, it was extremely sudden one day he was here and the next he was gone. My niece was only 9 when he passed, it has been three years and my sister said she met someone she really likes and has been seeing him for 6 months now.
She introduced him to her daughter but of course she did not take it well. I told her did she really expect her to?
My sister feels I am being unreasonable and that she deserves to be happy and feel loved. I don't disagree but I told her that her daughter should come first and if this person she has been seeing is as understanding and kind as she makes them out to be they will understand the need to wait.
She feels like I am telling hee that parents needs and wants come second, and tbh i do feel under the circumstances that may be the only solution if she wants to maintain a relationship with her daughter.
She then told me to keep my opinions to myself if I am not willing to be part of the solution.
I am torn, my sister did come to me and I guess I did screw up by simply being more sympathetic, but I do feel for my niece also and think she needs to take her feelings into consideration.
Edit: They are in family therapy already plus individual. My niece called me after my sister told her the news and they really have not spoken much since. I said what I said because I don't want a wedge to form between the two of them, and I cannot always be here to he a safe place for my niece to run to. I travel a lot for work.
I think therapy is not working because my niece is not ready, I understand three years is a long time for some but not for others. I just don't want her going down a dangerous path. I do agree it should not be a forever thing, but i think context matters and the child's readiness should be taken into consideration.
I cannot always be the mediator between the two of them, my niece is still hurting. I do understand and will just do the best I can to support them and will just keep my mouth shut when she comes to vent to me.
Update: I accept I am the asshole her, will apologize to my sister and just so the best I can be a be here for my niece when she needs someone. I am not going to try and force her to talk to her mom though, I will keep suggesting they talk stuff out but I don't see the value in forcing a conversation to happen.
My sister did come to me vent, but she also broke our rule cause I am not good at reading the room. If she did not want me to say anything she needs to tell me before hand. She did not so I figured I was free to give my opinion. That is normally how this goes because she has come to me a lot cause I know what it is like to suddenly lose someone extremely important.
My niece has been in therapy for years but she does not want to be in therapy, she is 12 and I get it to a degree. Her mother and I encourage her to go and she goes bur for the most part every therapist has told us the same thing they cannot do anything if she refuses to open up. Now she has suspected her mother was dating cause she was encouraged to spend more nights with her me or her friend. Both I and her friends mother knew but my sister told us not to say anything. This was brought up during these last six months in therapy but she completely shut down and started to repeat the line of her mom starts dating she will run and make it hard for us to find her. She would tell her teachers, her friends parents, therapists. I know she is being childish but I do worry cause I am not always here, I travek for work and she has said if I was not around she would still run.
I think the timing was off for my sister this is an emotional time. Father's day, 4th of July her dad loved the 4th. Knicks won her dad was a life long knicks fan. Bunch of reminders going around the timing was not the best. My sister wants him to be a part of their lives. She wants him to be part of our 4th which my niece does not..She wants them to spend more time together she does not.
I get what she is doing because they would do everything as a family, for my niece her family is just the three of us and as of late she has been very distant with her mom.
Before she was excited to see Super Girl with her mom, but she asked me to take her instead. That is how I 100% know she is really upset movies was always their thing. I did suggest she should see the movie with her mom for 1 on 1 time but she told me mom wants to invite her boyfriend. Though she refers to him just as him.
I will do what I can.