u/Brilliant_Stuff_101

For my 22nd birthday, I planned a basketball game with my friend and then a small birthday dinner later that week. Nothing extravagant, just a cute dinner, nice pictures, and a dress I liked. I paid for everything myself.

What frustrates me is that leading up to my birthday, my parents weren’t really doing anything for it. No plans, no excitement, no “what do you want to do,” nothing. But after they saw my birthday pictures, suddenly it became “wow you planned a HUGE birthday,” and comments like “you’re doing big girl” in this weird judgmental tone.

My dad would also later make comments like, “you planned a birthday for yourself but now you don’t have $20,” if he asked me for money. It made me feel guilty for literally just enjoying my own birthday.

What’s crazy is they DID end up taking me out that Sunday after church. My mom basically used my birthday as the reason to convince my dad to come eat with us. I picked Korean BBQ, and the entire time they complained, laughed at everything, compared our table to other people’s tables, and kept making comments that honestly made the whole experience uncomfortable. I was already overwhelmed trying to figure everything out, and instead of helping, they kind of turned it into a joke the whole time.

At one point I finally said, “you guys are mood killers,” because genuinely that’s what it felt like. Then the next day my mom pulled me aside and basically told me I was ungrateful and shouldn’t talk to them like that because they “took me out for my birthday.”

Also if I don’t get her something for her birthday then I am an ungrateful daughter.

But honestly… taking someone out doesn’t automatically make the experience enjoyable if the entire vibe is criticism, tension, and being antagonized the whole time.

I feel like I’m expected to not expect much for my birthday, but if I create something nice for myself, I somehow become selfish or “too grown.” Does anyone else have parents who act weird once you start independently celebrating yourself?

Okay so I genuinely need outside opinions because every time I tell this story people either laugh or just stare at me in shock 😭

My parents have always been pretty strict, especially my mom. Recently she found out I got my septum pierced while we were sitting inside somewhere public. She looked at me and was like “Is that a septum piercing?” and I tried to brush it off and act like it wasn’t.

She didn’t really react inside the building, so I thought maybe she was just annoyed but letting it go.

Then we got outside into the parking lot and out of nowhere she takes off her shirt and is literally standing there in just her bra in public while yelling at me to take the piercing out of my nose immediately.

Like ??? 😭

The whole thing felt so surreal that now I laugh when I think about it because it sounds fake. But at the same time I’m like… that’s actually such a bizarre reaction?? I genuinely can’t tell if this falls under “strict parent moment” or if that’s objectively weird behavior.

Has anyone else’s parents done stuff like this or am I right for thinking this was completely out of pocket?

My parents have always been really strict with me, especially about going places. Growing up, there were a lot of things I wasn’t allowed to do unless they were super controlled environments, and because of that I started lying sometimes just to feel normal and included with friends.

I’ll fully admit that some of my decisions made things worse. Freshman year of college, I lied about studying and went out with friends instead. Another time I snuck out after they banned me from hanging out with certain people, and we got pulled over while my friend was driving my mom’s car. In high school there was also a shoplifting situation, and then later at 19 I got caught shoplifting again and got arrested. That honestly scared me badly enough to stop completely. Since then I’ve genuinely been trying to stay out of trouble and do better.

What frustrates me is that even after changing, it still feels like I’m permanently viewed as irresponsible no matter what I do. I feel like I missed out on a lot growing up because I kept hoping eventually they’d trust me more or loosen up, but it never really happened.

Now I’m 20 and want to go to an Ariana Grande concert in Austin with friends. I’d obviously communicate where I’m going, who I’m with, have my location on, transportation figured out, etc. But because of my past, I already know they’re probably going to say no or act like I can’t handle it.

At what point do parents have to let their adult kid make decisions for themselves? And do you guys think their lack of trust is understandable because of my past, or does it sound overly controlling at this point?

My parents have always been pretty strict with me, especially about where I could go. Growing up, a lot of places were automatically off-limits unless they were considered “safe” or supervised, like the mall or school-related stuff. Meanwhile, all my friends were allowed to do normal teenage things, so I eventually started lying just to feel included.

Freshman year of college, I joined cheer and naturally ended up around a more social crowd. One time I told my parents I was studying at a friend’s house, but we actually went out to eat and to the mall afterward. They found out, and it became a huge issue.

Another time, they basically banned me from hanging out with certain friends, so I snuck out at night. I let my friend drive my mom’s car, and we got pulled over because the headlights weren’t on. I ended up getting a Class C misdemeanor and got into massive trouble over it.

In high school, things were mostly calm after that until a shoplifting incident. My friend told her mom that I shoplifted but conveniently left herself out of the story. I got blamed heavily for it and got in trouble again. That happened around 16/17.

After high school, I started working, but my parents heavily controlled my money. Even while commuting to college and having my own paycheck, I’d only get about $20 a week to actually use. It felt suffocating. I’m not trying to excuse my behavior, but I do think that environment contributed to me continuing to shoplift because I felt like I had no freedom financially or socially.

I also got scammed by a fake internship at one point and ended up getting banned from Capital One because of it, which was another disaster.

Then at 19, I got caught shoplifting again and was arrested. That was honestly the wake-up call for me. Between court, lawyer fees, and everything that came with it, it scared me badly enough that I genuinely changed my behavior. Since then, I’ve been trying really hard to stay out of trouble and do better.

The issue is that even after changing, it still feels like nothing is ever enough for my parents unless I’m actively doing something for them. I feel like I missed out on a lot of normal experiences growing up because I kept hoping that if I behaved well enough, eventually they’d loosen up or trust me more. But it never really happened.

I know I’ve made mistakes, and I’m not trying to paint myself as innocent. I just feel stuck between acknowledging that I messed up and also feeling resentful that I grew up in an environment where I never really felt trusted, independent, or understood.

I’m 22F, just graduated college, and I really want to go to a concert in June, but my parents are extremely strict and I genuinely don’t know if I should just let it go or finally do something for myself.

For context, I’m not really allowed to go anywhere. During college, my friends would travel, go out, club, etc., and I mostly stayed home because of curfews/rules. I still live at home, don’t currently have my own car, and I’m semi-financially dependent, which is part of why I’m scared to push back.

The concert is important to me because it’s an Ariana Grande concert, and with everything going on, it genuinely feels like this could be one of the last opportunities to see her perform for a long time. I know that sounds dramatic, but I think I’d really regret missing it.

The issue is that my mom will be out of town, and originally the plan was for her to drive me. Now I’d have to figure something else out, and I know my parents would probably be very against it for “safety reasons.” I understand safety concerns, but at the same time… I’m 22.

I’ll also admit I’ve made mistakes in the past, so I understand why trust may have been damaged. But I feel like I’ve spent years trying to rebuild trust, being responsible, staying home, following rules, etc., and nothing changes. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m still treated the same.

Part of me feels guilty for even considering going because I’m terrified of consequences/conflict. Another part of me feels sad that I’m an adult asking strangers online whether it’s okay to go to a concert.

Am I being immature/selfish for wanting to go anyway? Or is this something I should finally do for myself?

I’m 22F, just graduated college, and I really want to go to a concert in June, but my parents are extremely strict and I genuinely don’t know if I should just let it go or finally do something for myself.

For context, I’m not really allowed to go anywhere. During college, my friends would travel, go out, club, etc., and I mostly stayed home because of curfews/rules. I still live at home, don’t currently have my own car, and I’m semi-financially dependent, which is part of why I’m scared to push back.

The concert is important to me because it’s an Ariana Grande concert, and with everything going on, it genuinely feels like this could be one of the last opportunities to see her perform for a long time. I know that sounds dramatic, but I think I’d really regret missing it.

The issue is that my mom will be out of town, and originally the plan was for her to drive me. Now I’d have to figure something else out, and I know my parents would probably be very against it for “safety reasons.” I understand safety concerns, but at the same time… I’m 22.

I’ll also admit I’ve made mistakes in the past, so I understand why trust may have been damaged. But I feel like I’ve spent years trying to rebuild trust, being responsible, staying home, following rules, etc., and nothing changes. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m still treated the same.

Part of me feels guilty for even considering going because I’m terrified of consequences/conflict. Another part of me feels sad that I’m an adult asking strangers online whether it’s okay to go to a concert.

Am I being immature/selfish for wanting to go anyway? Or is this something I should finally do for myself?

I’m 22F, just graduated college, and I really want to go to a concert in June, but my parents are extremely strict and I genuinely don’t know if I should just let it go or finally do something for myself.

For context, I’m not really allowed to go anywhere. During college, my friends would travel, go out, club, etc., and I mostly stayed home because of curfews/rules. I still live at home, don’t currently have my own car, and I’m semi-financially dependent, which is part of why I’m scared to push back.

The concert is important to me because it’s an Ariana Grande concert, and with everything going on, it genuinely feels like this could be one of the last opportunities to see her perform for a long time. I know that sounds dramatic, but I think I’d really regret missing it.

The issue is that my mom will be out of town, and originally the plan was for her to drive me. Now I’d have to figure something else out, and I know my parents would probably be very against it for “safety reasons.” I understand safety concerns, but at the same time… I’m 22.

I’ll also admit I’ve made mistakes in the past, so I understand why trust may have been damaged. But I feel like I’ve spent years trying to rebuild trust, being responsible, staying home, following rules, etc., and nothing changes. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m still treated the same.

Part of me feels guilty for even considering going because I’m terrified of consequences/conflict. Another part of me feels sad that I’m an adult asking strangers online whether it’s okay to go to a concert.

Am I being immature/selfish for wanting to go anyway? Or is this something I should finally do for myself?

I’m 22F, just graduated college, and I really want to go to a concert in June, but my parents are extremely strict and I genuinely don’t know if I should just let it go or finally do something for myself.

For context, I’m not really allowed to go anywhere. During college, my friends would travel, go out, club, etc., and I mostly stayed home because of curfews/rules. I still live at home, don’t currently have my own car, and I’m semi-financially dependent, which is part of why I’m scared to push back.

The concert is important to me because it’s an Ariana Grande concert, and with everything going on, it genuinely feels like this could be one of the last opportunities to see her perform for a long time. I know that sounds dramatic, but I think I’d really regret missing it.

The issue is that my mom will be out of town, and originally the plan was for her to drive me. Now I’d have to figure something else out, and I know my parents would probably be very against it for “safety reasons.” I understand safety concerns, but at the same time… I’m 22.

I’ll also admit I’ve made mistakes in the past, so I understand why trust may have been damaged. But I feel like I’ve spent years trying to rebuild trust, being responsible, staying home, following rules, etc., and nothing changes. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m still treated the same.

Part of me feels guilty for even considering going because I’m terrified of consequences/conflict. Another part of me feels sad that I’m an adult asking strangers online whether it’s okay to go to a concert.

Am I being immature/selfish for wanting to go anyway? Or is this something I should finally do for myself?

I’m 22F, just graduated college, and I really want to go to a concert in June, but my parents are extremely strict and I genuinely don’t know if I should just let it go or finally do something for myself.

For context, I’m not really allowed to go anywhere. During college, my friends would travel, go out, club, etc., and I mostly stayed home because of curfews/rules. I still live at home, don’t currently have my own car, and I’m semi-financially dependent, which is part of why I’m scared to push back.

The concert is important to me because it’s an Ariana Grande concert, and with everything going on, it genuinely feels like this could be one of the last opportunities to see her perform for a long time. I know that sounds dramatic, but I think I’d really regret missing it.

The issue is that my mom will be out of town, and originally the plan was for her to drive me. Now I’d have to figure something else out, and I know my parents would probably be very against it for “safety reasons.” I understand safety concerns, but at the same time… I’m 22.

I’ll also admit I’ve made mistakes in the past, so I understand why trust may have been damaged. But I feel like I’ve spent years trying to rebuild trust, being responsible, staying home, following rules, etc., and nothing changes. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m still treated the same.

Part of me feels guilty for even considering going because I’m terrified of consequences/conflict. Another part of me feels sad that I’m an adult asking strangers online whether it’s okay to go to a concert.

Am I being immature/selfish for wanting to go anyway? Or is this something I should finally do for myself?

I (23F) am an only child with pretty strict African parents, and I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my sense of what’s normal vs. not.

For context, my mom has a pattern of being very controlling and then flipping situations back onto me, and I end up questioning myself a lot.

The situation:

Back in March, I told my mom my graduation was coming up. She had been planning an international business trip for months, and she asked me how I’d feel if she missed my graduation for it. I told her honestly that it was okay and she should go, especially since she explained how important it was for her career and finances.

I also made it clear I didn’t want a graduation party. I just wanted something simple.

So I planned things on my own:

• took my graduation pictures (with a friend who’s a photographer)
• paid for most things myself (I’m on a tight budget and working extra shifts)

At one point, she helped pay for part of my dress, which I appreciated, but she keeps bringing it up as the reason I “didn't look bad.”

Now she’s on her trip, and after seeing my graduation pictures (which I personally love), she texted me saying:

• The pictures are “stupid and useless.”
• It’s a “shame” she can’t post them
• I didn’t “carry her along.”
• She’s “disappointed” in me

When I called her to say that it hurt me, she said that if I were there, she would’ve slapped me.

She’s also now saying:

• I “downplayed” my graduation, which is why she went on the trip
• I act like I have money and don’t listen
• She might block my bank account when she gets back

What’s confusing me is:
I feel like I tried to be considerate. I didn’t pressure her to stay, didn’t ask for much financially, and handled most things myself.

Now it’s being flipped into me being the problem.

As an only child, I don’t really have anyone in my family to sanity-check this with, and I’m starting to internalize it.

Am I wrong for how I handled this? Or is this kind of behavior something other people with African parents have experienced too?