u/Briyyzie

That's really all I'm looking for from this post. Found this subreddit via a google rabbit hole I went down in relation to the issue I'm about to talk about-- saw others discussing similar subjects. Guess this might be a good place to ask for space to be held, and to take the next step in understanding. Be warned, this is going to be long.

A few years ago I was...shall we say, gifted an experience where I encountered my animal guide. In contravention of all given prompts during the visualization process, my mind went to the sky, and I saw a jaguar, shining like the sun with all the brilliant colors of the rainbow in its rosettes.

My life has not been the same since.

I was an active Mormon at the time. Long story. I didn't find this experience threatening even despite the conservative nature of myreligion, because I remembered a biblical verse stating that the Holy Spirit descended upon Jesus in the form of a dove after His baptism. It was the bridge between that experience and my religious framework that prevented the experience from traumatizing me. I figured it was just the kind of experience I was having for myself. For Jesus it was a dove-- for me, a jaguar.

A lot has changed since then. And one of the chief ones is...well, idk even how to describe it really...but my jaguar has been mostly responsible for my journey out of deep, enduring mental and emotional agony. The only one that really knows the depth of his role in my healing process is my therapist, who has witnessed its impact in session. None of my immediate family or close friends know. It isn't that they aren't worthy of that knowledge-- it's that they would have absolutely no frame of reference to understand it. I wouldn't even begin to know how to describe it to them.

When I am in agony, I consciously envision the pain as a storm, and visualize myself retreating deep into a cave. Just me, and my jaguar. While the wind howls and the menacing thunder roars, He holds me. He is calm. He licks my face, He looks at me with love. He rolls over and looks at me silly and lets me rub His belly. Sometimes I'll see Him bat around objects in the cave and it makes me laugh. He purrs-- I know jaguars don't purr, but He does. His calm, his centeredness...it makes me feel calm and centered.

Then all of a sudden, storms over, and I feel better. This is my primary coping mechanism. It has worked where deep breathing, meditation, reframing and just about every other mechanism I've tried has failed.

But as time has gone on, I've noticed that His influence is growing. I see Him in more contexts. He guides me to places in my psyche I've never gone, and from which I receive really intense insights into my path forward.

He has an alter ego-- a melanistic jaguar with broken, rusted chains on his paws. He is menacing, challenging, dangerous-- but they are friends, and they are always affectionate when he shows up. The alter ego usually has some message that I don't want to hear, but my jaguar stays calm, and I can see him out of the corner of my eye, signaling to me that despite the difficulty of the moment, I am protected and safe, and that permits me to navigate the experience without descending into madness.

All this just...happens. In my minds eye, as I sit on a couch or in my bed. As time has gone on it's gotten easier and easier to slip into this mental space. The insights and messages are coming faster, the inner forces manifesting as various symbols (my inner child is an adorable little girl) are multiplying, and I am feeling growing power coming from this part of me.

This post was precipitated by asking Google some question about the jaguar, I forget what, and AI said that for the native Americans the jaguar represented a guide to the underworld and the unseen, transformation, and intuition. While I am a fairly skeptical and skittish person in terms of believing what I read, especially around AI, I read the sources it provided enough to realize that its summary had a basis in truth. Annnnnnnnd that cracked me open, because that's exactly what my Jaguar has been doing for me this entire time.

It scares me. I am grateful, but also I didn't ask for this. In many ways I am just your typical white American gay guy from the 'burbs. I didn't seek it out-- it found me. But found me it has, and the transformations facilitated by my connection to Spirit through my Jaguar are increasing. I don't know how to interpret the experiences I am having, and I don't know what else to expect.

Thanks for listening. Time for bed. Feel free to share your thoughts.

For reference, I (34M) have several mental health diagnoses.

I was raised Mormon, and I relied on my spiritual practice to suppress all the emotional turmoil. Didn't know how else to cope. I was good at masking and outwardly functional, so no one really knew how deeply I was suffering. I just persisted in quiet desperation.

My 2 year Mormon mission shattered my mind. From this came years of struggle with dysfunction, requiring many years of intense effort to resolve.

Things have gotten better but despite all that work, I found that severe dysfunction persisted. I lost several jobs and gave up on many pursuits, which I chalked up to the depression and anxiety.

Up until yesterday.

I complained to my family doc about these issues, and she recommended I add a generic immediate release Adderall to my medication regime. I had already attempted an extended release Vyvanse a few years ago to no effect, but I decided, why not, I have nothing to lose. I took my first one last night.

I practiced the piano for over an hour. I sat down and actually practiced. Sustained attention the whole time, deeply engaging with learning the music rather than doing the bare minimum to get by.

I wrote and published an article to my Substack. It took me an hour and a half to write as opposed to several days to a week.

Took another this afternoon. I've completed several long-overdue tasks and actually felt energized and engaged at work. I haven't been constantly looking at my phone or completely distracted by the environment, something that has sunk me at many jobs.

I feel AMAZING. As I sat enjoying a book I've struggled to finish I started to cry with relief.

Gonna keep taking it for the next month and a half or so, to see how it affects me long term. Obviously this is new, and I can't say for sure how things will evolve.

But the first time in a long time I have hints of hope that I can make of my life what I've always wanted.

And it feels incredible.

Any other millennials out there idk actually genuinely love their parents?

So i (34M) have two millennial siblings (43F and 36M) and like every family there are plenty of significant problems, but i actually really love my boomer parents. Their beliefs about the broader world are def shitty, but my mom's come more from woundedness and misdirected fear than hostility or malice, and my dad just kinda goes with it to keep the peace. All that notwithstanding they are both loving and kind, service-minded, show up in good ways in their church community and are just generally loving people. That has been demonstrated with both being supportive and loving to both me and my brother despite being very Mormon-- we're both gay. My parents are very supportive of my brother's marriage to his husband (i dont know how they'd react to my solo polyamory lol-- baby steps.)

They are also very giving and generous with us, and supportive of our various endeavors-- they show up to my choral concerts and piano recitals or to cheer my brother on at his marathons. They also provide significant financial help to my sister and her family who are often in dire straits due to a lot of health issues.

Idk ive encountered people with a lot worse parents and im very grateful. Still I dont think theyre entirely anomalous either-- anyone wanna share why they might love their parents?

I have a little history project I want to work on. Where I live in the American West there are two larger cities, and sandwiched between them is a much smaller city. Despite the fact that it was settled earlier, had seemingly similar advantages ie railroad access and a river crossing, and often quite successfully jockeyed for position early on, it failed to grow to the same size or influence as the cities it lies between. I want to study why that is.

How do historians study and explain the forces that influence the rise, fall and evolution of cities? Understanding that would help me start.