u/Broke_martyr

ok this is a long story but i'll try.

this was like 5 years ago but i still think about it almost every day.

i was married. we had a house together. a car. good jobs. everything seemed fine. then i went on a work trip for like two weeks.

when i came back something felt off. she was acting weird. distant. i didn't think much of it at first. but later i found out that while i was gone she was sleeping with a guy from her work. not just once. like the whole time i was away. and she got pregnant from him.

i was destroyed. we decided to get divorced obviously.

but here's where i fucked up.

after i found out i started drinking. like heavy. for about a week i was just drunk all the time. couldn't think straight. couldn't sleep. just drank and cried basically.

during that week she came to me with some papers. she said "this is the divorce agreement, just sign it". i was so drunk i didn't even read it. i just signed whatever she put in front of me.

turns out it wasn't just the divorce papers. it was also a document saying i give up all my rights to the house. our house. the one we bought together.

she kept it. all of it. but that's not all.

she also went after the car. and she got half of its value from me. even though she barely drove it. i had to pay her. on top of losing the house.

because of all this i fell into a deep depression. i couldn't focus on anything. i ended up leaving my job. a really good job. great pay, good coworkers. just walked away because i couldn't function anymore.

i moved back to my parents place. she stayed in the house with her new guy. and his kid. i think they still live there.

i've been clean for a few years now. but here's the part that still fucks me up.

even after 5 years... i still don't know what i feel towards her. sometimes i think i hate her. other times i catch myself missing her. or missing us. i don't even know anymore. maybe it's not love. maybe it's just attachment. or trauma. i can't tell.

she appears in my dreams two or three times a week. every week. for 5 years. i wake up either drenched in sweat or just completely empty. and the whole day is ruined before it even starts.

i lost my wife. my house. half my car. my job. and honestly? my mind too. all because i couldn't stop drinking for five seconds to read what i was signing.

TL;DR: caught my ex cheating. started drinking. signed divorce papers drunk. accidentally signed away the house. had to pay her half the car. lost my job because of depression. still dream about her 2-3 times a week. haven't felt normal since

so this is gonna sound weird but idk where else to say it.

i feel like im on a different planet sometimes. like everyone around me knows something i dont. they talk to each other, they laugh, they have friends. and im just there. standing. not knowing what to say.

even when theres a lot of people around i feel completely alone. like im in a glass box or something. i can see them but i cant reach them.

i started making stupid short videos a while ago. just random stuff. me eating weird things. acting like a idiot. and honestly its the only time i feel like im doing something real. like for a few seconds my brain stops overthinking and i just do something stupid.

but sometimes i wonder if im going crazy. like is this normal? does anyone else feel like they forgot how to talk to people? like you have a thousand thoughts in your head but when you open your mouth nothing comes out.

i dont even know what im asking anymore. just needed to write this somewhere.

thanks for reading

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ok i dont even know where to start.

my best friend. we knew each other for like 10 years. then he got married. and slowly he changed. he stopped answering calls. when we met he would check his phone every few minutes. if she called he had to leave right away. one time we were hanging out for maybe an hour and she called him 4 times. he didn't even say "hey im with my friend" he just said "ok im coming" and left.

so one day i told him. i said "bro i think she's controlling you. you're not yourself anymore." i wasn't trying to be mean. just worried. he got quiet. then he left. and we havent talked in like 6 months now. he doesnt answer my texts. his wife blocked me.

maybe i should have kept my mouth shut. but i thought friends are supposed to tell each other when something is wrong.

and then there's my mom. she needs dental work. nothing crazy but for her its a lot of money. i cant help her. i dont have the money. i feel like shit every time i see her eat on one side of her mouth because the other side hurts.

my little sister. she's smart. she could probably go to a good university if someone helped her with tutors and prep classes. but i cant. i can barely pay my own rent. she never asks. but i know she deserves more.

sometimes i listen to eminem. like "cleaning out my closet" or "headlights". and i think damn. at least he had a reason to be angry. his mom did bad stuff. but me? my mom is actually good to me. my sister loves me. my friend was like a brother. and somehow i still end up alone.

i dont know. maybe i'm just a bad person. maybe i push people away and then blame myself because it feels better than doing nothing. or maybe i'm just too hard on myself. i really dont know anymore.

thanks for reading if you made it this far

Ok so here's the deal. I've been working in my field for like 6 years maybe more. Good education and all that stuff. Always got good feedback at work. On paper I look like a real specialist with big experience.

But the thing is... I spend so much time online. Like building my persona, posting on reddit, trying to grow my youtube, chasing algorithms. And I forgot how to talk to real people.

I can write a post that goes viral but when I have to talk to someone in real life about a job or something? I freeze. My brain just stops. I dont know what to say.

I look at job listings and feel like I dont qualify for anything. Even things I know I can do. I see younger people with less experience getting ahead and I'm just... stuck My mom keeps asking me when I'm gonna settle down and buy a house and give her grandkids. I just smile and say soon but inside im panicking. I dont even know how to explain that im good on screen but a complete disaster off it.

I tried everything. Courses, networking, changing my aproach. Nothing works. Or maybe it's not the strategy. Maybe its just me.

TL;DR: 6 years of experience, good on paper, stuck in real life. Online me is doing great. Real me is failing. Help.

So far I've tried: rock, stick, metal pole. Nothing worked. The simulation is still running. Now I need your advice. What should I try next? Sand? Grass? Soap?