u/Bros17911

“The strongest beings you know can still bleed.”

“Some truths are meant to be carried, not spoken. They are heavier when they are real to you alone.”

“Stripping away the years to someone’s name takes away all escape from the existential accountability that comes with radical freedom.”

“I measure my life in endings, not years. Years are meaningless. They are a human measure, small and neat. But life is not neat. I do not remember my existence by numbers. I remember it by what was lost... and by what changed after. More specifically, I mean I have stood at the close of a thousand chapters. Watched the final breath of things that once seemed endless. Kingdoms. Civilizations. Lives. Connections. Beliefs. You will measure your life the same way, in time. Not in how many days you lived — but in how many times the world you knew ceased to be.”

“I believe in active listening, which means one must balance listening with expressing a desire to understand more. The end goal is to be picturing the same image inside the other person's mind. Though, that image is often not quite perfect. That is okay. Imperfection is human."

MOST
- Loss and endurance

“Loss is the most common occurrence throughout time, throughout a lifetime. Friends fading. Stars dying. But the things that endure are as well. Rivers carving valleys. Seeds becoming forests. A single act of kindness outliving the hand that offered it."

———————————————————————————

LEAST
- True peace and mercy

“True peace is the least common occurrence throughout time, throughout a lifetime.
A silence without fear in it. It is rare. So rare, that a being might count the times encountered on only one hand."

"Mercy is the least witnessed choice or gift in the world. Both the least received and the least given. And sometimes, the absence of mercy is inevitable in the end. Both ignorance as well as malice can be causes."

“Acceptance of current circumstances can lead to clarity. Clarity leads to a path forward. Do not fight what you can work through instead.”

“Sometimes, stillness is not about being stone. It is about listening until you disappear into what is around you. And in that… you find you are not alone.”

“Silence that draws on too long can break a man’s mind. But, if I do not make stillness, the weight of what I’ve witnessed and endured will crush me.”

“Stillness tells me more than motion ever could. When you stop… the world speaks.”

Hey redditors! I want you to know that if you need someone to hear you out, someone to tell you you’re not crazy or sensitive, or if you feel drawn to sharing your story and experiences, this is the place!!! 💛
I felt empowered to start sharing my story, so you can find that post in r/growfromtrauma as well as strategies I have learned to cope. I kinda just felt a pull, like it was the right time for me. Now, I want to post all the therapy concepts I learn here that I find useful and the goal is to have this subreddit be one big collection of people’s experiences and tips! Please share this with people you think would benefit or be interested if you’re comfortable sharing.
Remember, you will heal, even if healing means achieving just stability. That stability becomes your new normal, and the ups and downs will smooth out. The jumps will get smaller and smaller. You will heal 💛

I was born into an extremely politically conservative, extremely evangelical Christian household who happened to follow the twisted and abusive teachings of James Dobson. Thankfully, this man is deceased, but unfortunately his books still influence this world.
If you don’t know who he is, dobson is basically a Christian evangelist who believed in “spare the rod, spoil the child” literally and not figuratively. He claimed that children as young as 15 months old and more were inherently evil and defiant. He also strongly believed in corporal punishment and informed parents to spank their children as young as 15 months old. They were generally believed to be allowed to cry for a few minutes. If they cried too long, guess what??? They get another spanking.
My parents used to beat me and slap my older brother and I with whatever they could use at the time. Belts, spoons, hands, whipping with towels, and rulers and rubber bands on our hands. I grew up hearing the same labels stuck onto me: defiant (the most common), selfish, sensitive, a witch, bratty, disrespectful, stubborn, stupid, self-centered, egotistical. I heard phrases like “the world doesn’t revolve around you,” “you’re being defiant. Tell me what that word means” (before they beat me), “take a joke,” “you’re being a brat,” “then stop making me mad!”
They used to have locks on our doors in elementary school out of our reach on the outside of the door. They would lock us in there for a few hours each day and call it “quiet play time.” I remember being up there for some long, I had to pee in my trash can. I screamed, cried, banged on the walls and doors, stomped the floor, but no one heard me. And guess what??? I got beat for that.
I remember having to plug my ears when I heard the screams of my brother. So. Many. Times. There was one time where I just couldn’t handle it, and I stomped my foot so hard I was rolling on the floor in pain. And when they were done with my brother, the came and tried to beat me WHILE I was rolling in pain. If I shielded my behind, they would strike my fragile hands. I wasn’t allowed to look behind me either, so every strike scared the absolute shit out of me. The absolute shit.
I had no privacy, no respect. They went through my phone regularly. They took the things I used as outlets away as punishment like my phone, earbuds, music, my AI alexa thingy, my stuffed animals which were dear to me — one by one I watched as my sources of comfort and familiarity were taken away from me. They even threatened to take my door off if I didn’t leave it halfway open, at least.
My fucking mother was a narcissistic control freak, and my father can’t control his temper to save his fucking life. I was forced to get straight A’s ever since I started school in 1st grade. And I did… I even graduated high school as valedictorian. I played the flute for seven years, collected medals and trophies. I was always exhausted. Always. My mother once threatened to pull me out of school if I didn’t obey her. I was rank 2 in my class at the time, and had amazing grades. She actually wanted to ruin my future just because she wanted full control…
And we can’t forget the public shaming too! 😅Yelling and striking us in public. I used to try so hard not to cry in public, or to get the red mark off my face before going into restaurants. It was utterly humiliating.
I cannot stop hearing the screams, reliving flashbacks and body sensations over and over. Flashbacks and pure rage episodes during the day that last for hours on end. The longest one was 11 hours long throughout the night, just of me laughing and crying at the same time, shaking with invincible rage. I must’ve looked like an absolute psychopath, like the girl at the end of chainsaw massacre. Nightmares at night too. There is no real peace, only fleeting moments.
And the paranoia… I think every car that passes by me now is gonna shoot me. Every stranger that stares is a threat. I know how to think like a soldier. How to detect something that needs to be… removed because they are stressing me out. I nicknamed these episodes as “soldier mode.” I wonder what I would do if laws didn’t apply to me. My episodes got so bad that I had to admit myself into a psychiatric behavioral hospital for a week.
Now, I am on such a high dose of anxiety medication and I have major depression, GAD, C-PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder (bpd), and ADHD all combining and swirling to form a debilitating storm inside me.
I am going to therapy, taking medications, and yet my parents still deny what happened. I had an hour and a half long phone call with my parents of me trying to explain what was happening to me, and that ended with this: “well, we disciplined you, but I don’t believe we ever abused you. We’ll have to agree to disagree.” And “well, I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s not what I believe happened. We had no intention of abusing you.”
Well, what the hell else is there now to explain how fucked up I am? James Dobson is a sick and twisted person, and I so wish I could’ve crucified him. All of the people that do what I went through to their children. All children deserve parents, but not all parents deserve children.
I am healing now. I am more self aware and educated than ever now, and my empathy and discernment have grown exponentially from my own trauma reflection; from facing the horrors of my ENTIRE LIFE. It all started when I was 15 months old….

Thank you for taking the time to read this 💛 You are not alone out here, and you will heal.

Most people who hear ten complements and one criticism will focus on that single negative comment. Learning to recognize the positive aspects of a situation can help improve your mood.

Practice paying attention to positive events by doing so purposefully for a short period every day. Choose an activity that’s generally enjoyable and make a point to focus on the positives (without getting hung up on negative details). Try these ideas to get started:

- Have a good, unrushed meal
- Watch a movie
- Visit with friends or family
- Visit a local attraction like a zoo or museum
- Go for a walk
- Put on headphones and do nothing but listen to music
- Have a picnic
- Give yourself a relaxing night in
- Try a new hobby

Try to be specific about what you focus on. Make sure it is positive and beneficial to you in some way. Try thinking about lessons learned during a movie, or specific nice things about the picnic. Practicing gratefulness by naming what you are grateful for also pairs nicely with this exercise. I would recommend doing both simultaneously! For example, practice identifying the good things about the action you pick and state that you are grateful for them. On a picnic, you might choose to be grateful that the sun is shining brightly while actively deciding to ignore the ants crawling in the grass nearby.

After some practice, try extending the positive outlook to more and more situations in your life. To challenge yourself, try it during situations you usually don’t enjoy. Use this positive outlook as a coping skill to regulate emotions during negative or trying times and events.

Your physical health and mind are closely linked. A healthy lifestyle improves mental health and makes it easier to manage difficult emotions. Use the acronym PLEASE to remind yourself of five healthy habits.

PL - Treat physical illness
E - Eat healthy
A - Avoid mood-altering drugs
S - Sleep well
E - Exercise

Find somewhere comfy to sit or lie down. Or, just do it wherever you happen to be! I like using the second hand tick of a clock for my counting speed, but if not, just choose a slow, steady pace. Tap your toe if that helps, and establish a steady beat before breathing.

Next,

Breathe in for 4 seconds (4s),
Hold for 4 seconds (4s),
Breathe out for 4 seconds (4s),
Hold for 4 seconds (4s),

Repeat for as many times as you feel you need 😌

By tensing and relaxing the muscles throughout your body, you can achieve a powerful feeling of relaxation. Additionally, progressive muscle relaxation will help you spot anxiety by teaching you to recognize feelings of muscle tension.

———————————————————————————

Sit back or lie down in a comfortable position. For each area of the body listed below, you will tense your muscles tightly, but not to the point of strain. Hold the tension for 10 seconds, and pay close attention to how it feels. Then, release the tension, and notice how the feeling of relaxation differs from the feeling of tension. You can start from your feet and go up, or your face and go down! This exercise works like a method of calm containment of energy. It also works pretty well when you’re hyper like me 😂 I’ve had ADHD for many years now.

Feet
Curl your toes tightly into your feet, then release them.

Calves
Point or flex your feet, then let them relax.

Thighs
Squeeze your thighs together tightly, then let them relax.

Torso
Suck in your abdomen, then release the tension and let it fall.

Back
Squeeze your shoulder blades together, then release them.

Shoulders
Lift and squeeze your shoulders toward your ears, then let them drop.

Arms
Make fists and squeeze them toward your shoulders, then let them drop.

Hands
Make a fist by curling your fingers into your palm, then relax your fingers.

Face
Scrunch your facial features to the center of your face, then relax.

Full Body
Squeeze all muscles together, then release all tension.

Deep Breathing

Deep breathing is a simple technique that's excellent for managing emotions. Not only is deep breathing effective, it's also discreet and easy to use at any time or place.

———————————————————————————

Sit comfortably and place one hand on your abdomen. Breathe in through your nose, deeply enough that the hand on your abdomen rises. Hold the air in your lungs, and then exhale slowly through your mouth, with your lips puckered as if you are blowing through a straw. The secret is to go slow: Time the inhalation (4s), pause (4s), and exhalation (6s). Practice for 3 to 5 minutes daily.

Practice increases the mind-body connection and turns the practice into a signal for your body. After time and repetition, the breathing ‘signal’ will tell your body automatically, “it’s time to relax.” Practice makes for less struggle to stay afloat when keeping your marbles together really matters. Practice the skill BEFORE you need it!

Psychology Today is a great tool to use to find local therapists near you. It has many filter options so you can feel confident that your needs won’t be ignored. Feel free to ‘shop around’ for your ideal healthcare providers.

This website can help you find both therapists and support groups alike nearby!

Finding a therapist that's a good fit for you takes persistence. Sometimes when we need it the most, therapy can feel out of reach. Tracking down a provider with availability who you like and can also afford is no easy feat.
You could compare finding a therapist to apartment-hunting in a crowded housing market. Demand is high, availability is limited. It requires persistence, flexibility, and the knowledge that you may not be able to check every one of your boxes.
In a poll of mental health and substance abuse workers conducted earlier this year, 90% of workers surveyed expressed concern that new patients won't be able to access care. And more than half of providers who work directly with clients say their waitlist for new clients is longer now than it's ever been before.
And if your finances are tight - say if you're on Medicaid, or you selected an insurance plan with a narrower network of doctors to save on premiums - you may find it's harder to make an appointment with a new therapist compared to other health care providers.
With all that said, Theresa Nguyen, chief research officer at Mental Health America, says it's important to consider your personal fit with a therapist, as well as the cost. “It's such an intimate experience. It's unlike finding any other doctor," she says.
Here's a guide to finding a therapist who can help you - taking both your mental health needs and your budget into account.

————————————————————————

STEP 1: Figure out what you need help with
There are lots of reasons to consider seeing a therapist. Maybe you feel depressed, or unlike yourself. Maybe you're feeling burnt out or under pressure with family obligations. Nguyen recommends getting specific about what you'd like to get out of the experience right off the bat, so you can seek out a therapist who matches your goals.
“If I am resolving family issues, ... I want to feel warmth and safety with this person.
If I am going to therapy to manage a life change that might trigger a depressed episode, I'm going to find somebody who understands what's related to the change that I'm negotiating," Nguyen says.
It's also okay to go into therapy without really knowing precisely what you want out of it, says psychologist Lynn Bufka, a spokesperson for the American Psychological Association. “Sometimes people just feel bad or life’s not going how you want it to go,” Bufka says, “and it’s hard to be more specific.” Therapy could be a step forward.

———————————————————————————

STEP 2: Assess your financial resources
Therapy can be expensive - or not, depending on where you go for care or whom you see. Know your coverage options and budget before deciding where to look for a therapist.

Working with insurance:
If you have health insurance, your insurer will typically provide a directory of covered therapists on their website.
However, bear in mind that payment often works differently for mental health providers than medical doctors. Instead of a copay, many therapists will ask for the full payment at the time of your appointment. Then it's up to you to submit your receipts to your health insurer for reimbursement. Nguyen says that's because therapists tend to operate on a smaller scale.
Insurance coverage is typically limited to therapists in your state. Many providers now offer teletherapy which is typically also covered, and can give you access to therapists outside of your immediate area. Some app-based therapy providers, such as Talkspace, also accept insurance, but coverage can vary depending on your state.
Depending on your state's licensure laws and your insurance coverage, you may be covered to see a therapist who lives out-of-state. as long as that provider is licensed in the state where vou live. Check with vour insurance company.

Self-pay
If you've exhausted your in-network options, you may want to consider paying out-of-pocket. If you can afford it, paying full price may enable you to get seen sooner, or access a therapist with more advanced education or specific certifications.
The full price of a fifty-minute therapy session with a therapist in private practice is usually between $100 and $200 or higher, depending on your location. App-based therapy providers are on the lower end of out-of-pocket options. The popular app Betterielp offers memberships from $60-$90 per week, depending on your location. (BetterHelp is a sponsor of NPR.) Some private practices and individual therapists offer a sliding scale based on income or financial means.

Free and low-cost therapy
Some county mental health departments and non-profit organizations like Mental Health America provide free and low-cost therapy for people on Medicaid, people who receive social security for disability, and those without insurance. That's what's called "community mental health, as opposed to traditional outpatient or inpatient treatment," Nguyen explains.
Some health centers that receive funding from the federal government also offer low-cost or free mental health care. Find federally-funded health centers in your zip code using this searchable directory. If you're receiving free care, Nguyen notes, you still have a say when it comes to choosing a therapist. Ask for information about the different providers available and pick the one that feels like the best fit.
Call 211 as well for more resources.
If you are employed, another free option worth exploring is if your workplace offers an EAP, or employee assistance program. EAPs are time-limited, typically five to six sessions. And they're designed to address problems that affect your performance at work — but that can be pretty broad, says Bufka. "If I'm struggling with parenting or work-life balance, that's affecting my job, right? If I've had depression for years, the EAP is unlikely to fix that for me, but they very well may help me find somebody to address that," she says.
Ideally, using the EAP benefit will be completely confidential. Find information about it in your employee onboarding documents or online benefits portal. If you don't see that information, it can still be worth asking your human resources department if there is an EAP available to you.

———————————————————————————

STEP 3: Do some searching - and understand credentials
Now that you know the lay of the land cost-wise, start hunting.
The directory at psychologytoday.com and goodtherapy. org are useful for learning about the therapists in your area and targeting your search. Many share bios, photos or short videos about themselves. You can search by issue, like "depression," "addiction" or "marriage counseling," or by type of therapy. You can also search by age, gender, ethnicity, language, sexuality, and insurance accepted. Primary care doctors and other health care providers, as well as family and friends may be able to recommend providers, says Bufka.
If you have a sense of what issues or diagnoses you want to address, you can hone your search by researching what type or modality of therapy might be most useful. Some common types include cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT - which focuses on changing patterns of thought and behavior; mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, which incorporates meditation techniques; or psychodynamic therapy, which reaches for the roots of emotional suffering through self-reflection.
Some types of therapy are particularly specialized to certain issues, like EMDR for post-traumatic stress, and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for borderline personality disorder and self-harm. However, an individual therapist may offer more than one type of therapy.
You might be wondering if the letters behind a therapist's name - like LSW, PhD, or MFT should matter to your search. Nguyen, who carries the LCSW (licensed clinical social worker) qualification, says social workers' education and experience can be especially valuable for patients struggling with housing, domestic violence, employment and other social issues. "We're comfortable talking about these spaces as we also unpack trauma," she says.
Marriage and family therapists have a lot of training in family dynamics. "I often think they're very good couples therapists, family therapists," Nguyen says.
You may want to look for a psychologist - someone with a PhD in psychology or a PsyD degree - if you need specialized help with certain diagnoses. For instance, some psychologists provide testing for issues like ADHD and autism spectrum disorder. Be sure to verify a therapists' licensure.

———————————————————————————

STEP 4: Assess if they’re a fit for you, personally and culturally
Nguyen says when she's researching therapists online as a patient, she looks for indications of who providers are as individuals - to get a sense if she’d feel comfortable with them. "There was a time where the assumption was that a therapist was not supposed to disclose who they were. But I think... that's not how a therapeutic relationship should work. I think that many therapists do give a sense of who they are as human beings," she says.
On the other hand, Lynn Bufka says that if a therapist doesn't disclose much - either in their web presence or in conversation with a client - that's a legitimate professional choice - not a red flag. "Psychotherapy sort of started from the premise that as the therapist I am a blank slate. Over the years it's not the blank slate mode of thinking... anymore," but the idea is still to keep the focus on the client's needs.
Most therapists in the United States are white, and like many institutions, the field of psychology carries a legacy of systemic racism. It's no surprise that both therapists and patients of different racial backgrounds report feeling marginalized or misunderstood in the field. In response, some therapists are developing culturally responsive therapeutic models, and forming organizations like Inclusive Therapy and the Asian Mental Health Collective.
While it can be meaningful to work with a therapist from a similar background, Nguyen recommends prioritizing matching goals over race or ethnic group in your search - especially because the demand for therapy is so high right now.
Don’t hesitate to interview your potential therapist as well. Ask questions, for example, “What does a therapy session look like with you?”

———————————————————————————

STEP 5: Reach out, and persist
It's exciting, Nguyen says, to live in a time when mental health is becoming destigmatized and part of the public conversation. On the flip side, it can be a struggle to find a provider with availability because therapists have been overwhelmed with demand since the pandemic. "COVID acted as a catalyst to get a lot of people into treatment," she says.
If you feel comfortable asking around your social circle, you might get some valuable recommendations. And if you have friends or relatives who work in mental health, consider telling them you're looking. They might be able to reach out to their professional network, or point you to a resource you hadn't considered.
It's an irony of the system that at a time when you need help, dogged effort might be required to find it. And "when we are feeling distressed and overwhelmed, we don't have the energy," says Bufka. It can actually be a great idea to ask for help finding help, she says.
"If you have a trusted friend who's able to make some phone calls for you, even just to find out, you know, this clinician doesn't have any availability, that can be a reasonable way to go. And if you are a friend or family member of somebody who's really struggling, and if that's something that you're willing to offer to do, that may be really, really helpful to someone," she notes.

———————————————————————————

STEP 6: Interview a prospective therapist
There's a limit to how much you can learn about a person online or second-hand.
Some therapists offer brief consultations for free, typically about 15 minutes.
Nguyen recommends coming to a consultation or a first appointment with a set of questions. "You'll probably want to know about their past experience and expertise, and their experience dealing with the kinds of issues you're facing. Questions can be open ended, like 'Can you tell me about your experience working with adult ADHD?'" Nguyen says.
"If you have questions about length of therapy, or number of sessions, certainly ask that, " Bufka suggests. "Can I expect to see gains after a certain amount of time? What might that look like? Is the kind of therapy that you provide something that's supported by the research?"
Pay attention to their answers almost as if you were on a date. "It's not sometimes their expertise, it's the tone of their voice," Nguyen says. It's the passion you might hear, or how much they listen. "You're kind of getting your own sense of... do I feel like we could speak at ease, or am I going to be battling this person unconsciously?"
Personal questions are okay too, Nguyen says. While some therapists might balk at being asked to open up, she believes it's important to the therapeutic relationship and can help build trust. Bufka suggests focusing on your needs as a patient, "not on developing a friendship at the same time.

———————————————————————————

STEP 7: Try at least three to five sessions
After a first appointment, if you think you might be able to work with this therapist, Nguyen says to give it three to five sessions to see if the fit is right. Some discomfort is normal, she says. "especially if this is your first time in therapy."
"But early on you can kind of tell, is this a person that I can slowly let into my life?
Do I feel like I can be honest with myself and be honest with them?" says Nguyen.
"I think probably the number one thing is do I feel respected in this relationship? Do I trust this person?" Bufka says.
While finding a therapist who you feel you can open up to is a great start, a crucial component of therapy is time, Nguyen says. "You shouldn't assume it's going to be magical," she says. "It's going to take time to heal. And that includes the work we have to put in to find our healer."

———————————————————————————

Andrea Muraskin writes the NPR Health newsletter and is a freelance writer and audio producer based in Boston.