r/NVC

My background is that I have been emotionally abused my whole life so far. I am middle-aged.

I finished reading Session 2 yesterday and have been chewing on it since.

It seems to me that using the Santa Clause method of expressing needs is what emotional abusers do. "My need is a gift to you, you get the privilege of fulfilling it."

I havent listened to the third session because I am hung up on this and want to digest it properly.

I’ve never seen a stupid kid;
I’ve seen a kid who sometimes did things I didn’t understand
Or things in ways, I hadn’t planned;
I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen the same places where I had been,
But he was not a stupid kid.
Before you call him stupid, think, was he a stupid kid or did he just know different things than you did?

— Ruth Bebermeyer
_____

Often times we blend an observation - the facts of a situation - with our own opinion. Here is an example: Say your friend spent all of Saturday helping a neighbor put a new roof on their house. An observation mixed with an evaluation would sound like this: “You are going to wear yourself out!” An observation that is separate from an evaluation would look like this: “When I see you spending all day Saturday roofing your neighbor’s house and I know how hard you work during the week too, I feel worried that you might wear yourself out.”

In the first example, the speaker judges their friend’s behavior: “You are going to wear yourself out.” In the second example, only the facts are acknowledged (the friend helped a neighbor roof their house on Saturday) and acknowledges the speaker’s own fears about how this might affect their friend’s life.

The difference is subtle, but the results are not. Often times, when we mix an evaluation and observation, we promote defensiveness in other people. When we are able to separate the two, we are more likely to promote an open dialogue about our concerns.

Be aware of your evaluations and observations today. Try to separate the two to create more opportunities for open dialogue.

Hello!

I just read the book, and I'm having trouble translating the paraphrased book words into something that sounds like something someone would say in real life.

So I'm now looking for an authentic video example of someone practicing NVC, to see how it might look when used for real. As in, not roleplay, but an actual real, authentic conversation. Does anyone know of anything like that?