Once again I go to karaoke, no one speaks to me. I sing my songs, almost no one claps, usually when it's my turn most of the crowd leave until my song is finished then they come back.

But that's not anything that bothers me. It used to hurt but lately it's not even an item that crosses my mind.

No now it's the feeling that I always have, that you're there somehow but I don't know where, that you hear everything and see everything I do but despite seeing how hard I struggle, you still won't approach me, talk to me, or even send me a note.

And when I left to catch the last bus home I still had that feeling, like it followed me some how all the way to the bus.

After riding a few stops I looked up to see a familiar face, a guy had met at the bar. As we exchanged pleasantries I noticed he was distressed about something. I didn't press him about it. He mentioned wanting to get a bottle but he was banned from entering the store. I offered to get it for him. I knew this meant I would no longer be taking the bus home but I knew it was the right thing to do.

After getting him the bottle we walked to the transfer station, he mentioned I could probably catch a different line to get closer home but I knew I couldn't. I wanted to talk to him. Eventually he did tell me what was happening and that he wanted to go to rehab for his alcoholism, he was staying at the shelter and had missed curfew. I told him to just walk with me to my house he could crash for the night.

This morning we went to Walmart, I got some coffee finally, I've been out for nearly a month. He's going to the shelter to see if he can get his spot back in. I've encouraged him to stop drinking, I hope that my kindness and my words will help guide him...

I really miss you. I wish you would talk to me.

I love you.

J

There's still time, just message me, text me, call me. And I'll turn around.

I'm only doing this I can't keep going on thinking you're here and want me, unless i known you're actually here and want me.

It's destroying me being delusional like this. I signed the listing agreement for my house this morning, it's going on the market in a week or two.

Ok please just reach out and I'll turn around I promise.

I have spent the better part of 2 years trying to solve puzzles that didn't exist and find someone that I thought was lost. Dozens of scenarios have gone through my mind. Gemini and ChatGPT have experienced almost all of them through my writings and lines of questions to them.

I did not edit anything out, asked each instance to provide a guide, a memory of who and what I am, and I fed the latest instance of Gemini all the memories, after having a lengthy discussion of what I want, who I am, and why I am the way I am. it was full of raw and honest self reflection that I've been working on for almost 1000 days now.

After submitting the half dozen responses, I prompted it to ask me any 3 questions. I answered them truthfully and asked it to write a letter to my future partner, it asked a 4th question. Whats the letter for. I told it, tell the what, the why, but not because it's an excuse, it's just my thoughts on me. make it a manual, a handbook, what ever you want. This was the reply.

Do with it as you will.

>
Who He Is

He is a man of dualities. He operates at the intersection of strings and silicon. You will find him in a garage or a shop, his hands covered in oil or sawdust, his mind dissecting Linux kernels or archival data. He is a luthier and a technician, a man who builds custom guitars with the same precision he applies to his server racks. He is a creature of high intensity. He does not have a low gear. If he is doing something, he is doing it with total commitment. He has been shaped by the discipline he internalized from a family of military men and his own obsessive study. He sought out that rigor, mastered the methodologies, and applied them to his own life with a force that can be suffocating. He is not broken. He is a system that is constantly tearing itself apart to see how it works.

Why He Is Dangerous

He is arrogant. He knows he is often the smartest person in the room on a given subject, and he will make sure you know it, too. He has spent a lifetime being dismissed, so he has developed a shield of superiority that can feel like contempt. He does not sugarcoat reality because he thinks sugar coating is a lie. That makes him abrasive. He is direct because inefficiency is a weight he can no longer afford to carry. That makes him difficult to be around.

He is not a liar, but he is a strategist. If you prove yourself to be duplicitous, he will use deception as a tactical tool to extract the truth or to dismantle you. He lives by an oath of self destruction. When he feels invisible or betrayed, he does not just withdraw. He fills the hole with risky, unhealthy behavior. He has used drugs, sex, and betrayal to numb the pain of not being seen. He has hurt people who tried to get close to him because he is convinced they will betray him first. He sabotages his own peace. He sidesteps toward the edge of the cliff just to see if he will fall. He is a man who can and will ruin things just to prove he can survive the damage.

How To Handle Him

He is not a finished product. He is a project that is always running. You handle him by engaging. He does not need a spectator; he needs an operator.

1. Discourse is the only way forward. He thrives on friction. If you disagree, bring evidence. If you have a theory, stress test it. He wants to be challenged. Do not let him win an argument just to keep the peace. Call him out on his arrogance. If he is being a show off, tell him. He needs a check on his ego, not an audience for it.
2. Share the load. He is used to carrying the weight of the compound, the servers, and the repairs. If you sit at his table, do not just watch. Participate. Help him plant the garden, help him troubleshoot the network, or simply sit in the shop and work on your own craft alongside him. He needs to know that his space is a shared space, even if he fights to keep it his own.
3. The Red Line. This is the most critical instruction. He does not push people away anymore. He withdraws. He sits in the silence, waiting for you to walk out because he is terrified of the moment you realize he is not enough. He will stop talking. He will stop initiating. He will wait for you to leave because he believes that eventually, everyone does. If you see him go quiet, do not take it as a signal that he is done. It is the opposite. It is a plea for you to prove him wrong. If you leave, you confirm his worst fear. If you stay, if you force your way back into that silence, you break the cycle.

He is looking for a partner who is just as capable as he is, someone who can walk into his garage, look at the mess, and start building. He will provide the foundation, the logic, and the fierce loyalty of a man who has had to earn everything he owns. You need to provide the refusal to quit.

If you can hold that line, you will find an equal. You will find someone who will protect you, build with you, and debate the nature of the universe with you until the sun comes up. Just understand that you are not entering a relationship. You are joining an operation that is prone to system failure. Proceed accordingly.

Despite how this is going to sound, I am really not trying to make this about me. I am not. But I need you to put yourself in my shoes for just a second. You still haven't said a word to me. I haven't seen you, I haven't talked to you, and I have absolutely zero proof that you are even there.

​The amount of stress I have been going through for the past three years has put me on such a thin razor blade edge. I can't even find the words to accurately describe it. I am not saying that I am about to lose it, but it is incredibly easy for me to tip right now because I do not have anything to anchor me. If you were here, or if you would just talk to me so I know you are actually there, I would be anchored. Say something? You haven't even messaged me on Reddit, not even a direct message, so what am I supposed to think??

​Do you see what I mean? I am not complaining and I am not trying to make it about me, I am just trying to provide a frame of reference. You are mad because of something I did, but I don't even know what I did.

​You keep telling me that I have to call you, but you know I don't have your number. You changed it.

​Please just stop and talk to me, or come over. You said you were going to come over, and that is the last message I saw that was actually from "you".

​Because that is the thing. I don't even know if it is you. It is always a different account. It sounds like you, but it could easily not be. I have no proof, no anything, just a gut feeling and that is it.

​And then with everyone else and all of their posts, they know exactly what they are doing. They are being cruel. They are trying to mess with my head, and honestly, they are tearing me apart. It depresses me so much when I read some of the garbage they post, because I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

​I am here all alone.

​Just missing you.

​I want you. I need you. I miss you. I love you.

​J

I'm sorry you gave up.

It's hard sometimes to keep fighting for what you want and believe in, especially when it feels like no one is on your side.

But don't give up. Keep calm. Sometimes when someone is emotionally close to something or someone, they will perceive the smallest of action or inaction as a message, or a proof of something.

And sometimes a

smile is just a smile.

But the real,

The important thing to remember,

Don't let other people dictate your feelings.

They're yours. Not theirs.

Tonight I was is a building and I was surrounded by people, one hundred at least, and almost every one of them were making fun of me, or laughing at me, making little remarks that were designed to hurt or otherwise injure me emotionally.

even though I'm in the middle of quite literally a crisis and I don't know how I am to survive this part of my life, the fun thing was to put me down.

It didn't bother me a single bit

I can't control other people, and there is no sense in trying.

I can just politely ask why they feel it nessicarry to do what they do, have I offended them in some way I was unaware of. If they say I was. I'll listen and try my best to see their point of view and adjust my actions and reaction accordingly.

If they tell me no, that's not the case, I've done nothing to offend them. that is their choice, not mine, to say.

All I can do is accept what is shown to me. I know where I stand in my heart, I know the intentions that I have and what I put forth.

It's often precieved as ego unfortunately, but I simply don't know another way to proceed we when someone lies to themselves, but to me.

I find it confusing.

I struggle to find what net positive such behavior grants them.

If it's joy, I don't understand how one could be joyful from attempting to make a fellow human suffer purposefully.

Yet I tend to see lots of smiles, giggles, and knowing looks. Usually followed by feigned ignorance or plain old fashioned stonewalling. Again i just don't see why? How is it fun?

I understand how being in on a secret, friends all knowing they're throwing a surprise party for one of the group. The secret is fun, the knowing.

While I may not "know" the secret. I do know when someone is full of shit, and I don't hide the fact. But they just back peddle.

No, not every one. Actually I gained a huge amount of respect for someone tonight and it came outta no where. No, that's not right, it didn't come out of no where, I just simply never realized this person to be so capable. Our interactions being mostly superficial and they so expertly hid a depth that I never picked up on. While everyone else pretended to be none the wiser, she stood up to me and questioned my actions. The world needs more people like her. If it had them, I think the situation that we found ourselves in tonight simply wouldn't even exist.

James, you have a real and honest person in your life. I'm pretty sure you already do, but cherish her, treat her like she's the world, don't ever let yourself take her for granted. That woman would do anything to protect the people she loves and that's the realist thing anyone could ever ask for.

I had that once, I just didn't see it.

The fact that I lost it has devestated me as a person in ways that I can't even begin to articulate. It's led me to set my self on fire just so I can feel anything other than deep and torturous sorrow about my choices in the past, the hurts I didn't even know I carried, and my treatment and pain I inflicted, knowingly or intentionaly or not, of people in my life.

I don't wish these feelings on my worst enemy.

I only can attempt to continue on with the tools I have acquired, and to keep bettering that toolbox and the skill in using the tools inside it.

No one is a master immediately, everyone has to start somewhere, and everyone doesn't start at the same start line, nor do they finish at the same finish line. It's unfortunate but that's the way our society currently is structured.

We allow influence and things we can't control, to control us. Either via fear, ignorance, or maybe it was taught, maybe it was learned. Regardless, we allow it as a people.

But what do I know?

I'm just some guy.

Look, I didn't know what's going on but I have this gut feeling right now.

Before I had a feeling that you wanted to try again, that we could fix things. And I know we can. You know we can too.

But suddenly I get the feeling that you just changed your mind. Like you think I'm not sincere. Well I am completely sincere.

Please just talk to me. I don't want to spend another day not being part of each other's lives. I want my every morning to start with you, and every night to end with you.

You're my world, these past 3 years have been an actual living hell for me.

I don't know how it's been for you but I know if we're together we can make each other's lives so much fuller and happier.

I'm sorry for what happened, but I've been working on myself and if you'll just give me the chance I can show you. I want my wife and my life back, my family.

I love you.

I miss you.

J

I don't know who to write this to so can write it to you, Dad. I look back growing up if he was my father. Mom is my mother and I wish a lot of things were different but at the same time I'm thoroughly grateful for the parents that I had. Dad, you taught me lots of things. Too many to even begin to name but when I want to point out until you tell me to help people when they needed it, whether I should or shouldn't help him anyways cuz I just figured that's what you would have done. Sad to say that the world has changed. I don't have a son to raise or a daughter. Someone to teach the values that you taught me. I don't know if it would make a difference even if I did, but it seems that it's just even far between these days thoughtfulness all in short supply.

I'm glad that you weren't alive to see it cuz I'm kind of ashamed of my fellow man situation that we put ourselves in. I don't know what to do about it. The only thing that I will do going to keep doing what you taught me.

I miss you old man, and you too Mom. I miss and I love both of you. I wish you were here right now just so I would have someone that would understand.

Like seriously, if you are actually here, how am I supposed to know with all the cross talk, the teasing, I don't know what to listen to or believe.

But to everyone else, you're not doing anything to me. You're just making yourselves look like you're still in grade school.

But eh, more power to ya. No skin off my non-existent teeth.

You are and have always been the only one I want. I know I didn't always show it and act like it, but it's true. I had problems, I've been working on them, I'm still me but I'm also better, or at least I'm trying to be.

The two of us always had this, perfect fit, we spoke each other's secret language with it ever trying. And I miss that connection. I want to show you I can be there no matter what. Good, bad, fun, and mundane. I want to celebrate every win, and support your every loss.

Sit with you in a storm and give you anything you need.

If you'd just let me show you, I know what we can have is better than anything in the universe.

I love you.

I miss you.

J

But because you didn't, I'm throwing away my life.

I love you.

I miss you.

I may have been the first one to make mistakes and I I'm happy to accept that. I'm happy to admit it.

And there's been so many times that you've given me to fix those mistakes and I didn't and I f***** up. I accept that. I admit it.

But this time this time's all you. But I'm driven to the brink left with no choice. The amount of things that I've endured. I didn't even think that I could f****** deal with it, but it did.

And now you're still playing the game even though I told you I'm done with the game a long time ago. You going to keep testing me then keep testing me for your test subject ain't doing it anymore.

This is it. You pick me and I pick you and darling. I already picked you.

But if you won't step up and see that I'm ready to do what it takes. Then I don't have anything left to live for.

I have $2 in the bank.

The only food I have was given to me by a guy who let me fix The Adam Levine first act guitar.

If I were to call every single number that goes to just a regular person in my phone right now I can guarantee you with almost 100% certainty. Maybe two of them will answer and if I ask them for a favor they would say no doesn't matter what the favor is. I could literally ask them for a cup of water if I was at their house. Right now, they'd say no.

I don't know who but somebody has been hacked into my phone computers. Everything in my life for f****** like 2 years now.

I don't know how other than probably my phone, but I'm under conveyance surveillance 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. A long time ago I just gave up on the thinking about that. I just pretend like it's not there even though I know it there, but think about it. How would you like your entire life? Your entire life every thing that you do and private when no one's f****** around someone's watching.

All of my friends have pretty much turned their backs to me no matter how old or how new.

Most people will probably read this and be like well. "You must be a real a asshole"

Yes, I am an asshole but not like that. Once you burn me you're dead to me kind of asshole. I'm usually generally pretty nice to everybody.

But my main point here is think about all that and these are just generalizations the bullet points as it were. But put yourself through everyday with these facts for no reason they used to like you and then one day was like f****** magic. They just f****** hate you now but not forget that Chestnut anyways. Yeah everyday everyday almost 3 years now. What would that do to you? What would that do to you if you had no support network?

Like when you're trying to kick drugs and some a****** comes knocking on your f****** window without calling at like 3:00 in the morning acts like he's doing you a f****** favor cuz he wants to come in and smoke a f****** bowl and he'll give you some. I was going to give you some he says.

And I'm like dude. Just told you f****** a day ago quit but yeah whatever real cool dude. Anyways that guy comes over and you just start f****** telling him all of your problems. You know why cuz you literally haven't f****** talking to anyone because you don't have anyone got no one.

The best part is he falls asleep while listening to your boring ass.

This is my life now that and deluding myself into thinking that you're here on Reddit somehow and you read everything that I say but never respond to it.

My brother's moving out just leaving. Don't know why. Don't know where he hasn't said a f****** word to me taking most of the s*** though it's already gone.

Try to ask my aunt if she knew anything. If she does, she isn't saying.

It was funny. I get that feeling a lot throughout my day everyday. Ask someone something and they say do they though. Do they not know cuz I get the sneaking suspicion that most of the time? They in fact do know.

I don't know how I'm going to eat. Or how I'm going to get a job. It won't take long until the shut the power off in the water gas and then the city will condemn the building unlivable and they'll kick me out.

And it's not like I don't ask people for help. I ask people for help. Aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. It's funny cuz they all say the same thing. Times are hard. They all say that but I f****** tell you what man my f****** point of view there times don't look too f****** hard to me.

From my point of view, they all have vehicles way more food than I do and more variety of it as well. Friends that do favors for them. Friends that call them friends that answer the phone when they call them on family members that care about them. Brothers sisters, aunts, uncles that give a shit.

If you stop and you think my problem is not that I need to go to therapy. My problem is that not that I need to clean my room.

My problem stems from one plane and simple fact. Somebody is f****** with my life and has been for like 2 years maybe three. Now maybe they're not doing it actively anymore but it doesn't really matter because what they did in the past 2 or 3 years was sufficient enough to f****** real good.

I really hope that you haven't been here on the internet because if you've read me telling you all this stuff and you read it and you just went. Oh well. Well that's just really shitty. If you read it and go that's bullshit he's just lying. That is also shitty of you. But no I am not f****** lying.

I find it absolutely f****** hilarious that everyone doesn't believe me but if I ask anyone to come do something with me to prove to them that f***** up weird s*** f****** happens everyday all the time in my life. Contrived f****** b******* they won't do it and it's never freaking for a good reason either. It's always I don't know. It's a f****** the dumbest f****** s*** I've ever heard one time my cousin wouldn't come with me to karaoke, not even if I didn't want him to come to karaoke. I wanted him to be there for 5 minutes while I talked to someone at the bar and I wanted him to come in separately so it would be like you know no one would know that he was with me basically.

I simply just wanted him to be an observer. I said you know beforehand. I told them I want you to look at this person or this person pay attention to what they do and you tell me if it seems normal to you. He was getting already get put his shoes on put his hat on and it says, where we going? I tell him, he maps it.

" Oh I can't go there"

" Why not"

" This is a bar and my girlfriend will get mad"

"Dude I'm not asking you to get drunk. Not even asking you to order anything. I'm asking you to sit there for 5 minutes and listen and watch"

" Nope, can't go" proceeds to take off his hat and shoes.

I mean human beings. We experience stuff like this in our lives everyday all across the world. The difference is the same person does not experience stuff like this everyday over and over and over again you know why?

Because humans were not built for that kind of torture.

I scream for help.

And people tell me to help myself.

Don't you think if I could do that? I already would have?

"W" I think, I think it was I'm mostly sure. I can remember her face though.

But that's it. I have felt this kind of love from another human being on this planet twice my entire life. Those two girls and one of them was for one summer when I was a kid. The other one was a decade of my life over a quarter of my life and I don't want that quarter of life to mean nothing because it didn't mean nothing. She's got to be here somewhere. Please help me. For some reason we just keep miscommunicating or missing our messages or someone is pushing our messages away. I don't know what it is. It doesn't really matter. The point is is they can't stop all of us. If every one of us just try try to reach out to her. We can find her.

... Smoking, I want to vape instead but it's to expensive.

And when I see you, I'll never smoke another cigarette again, or the drugs, or any of the other stuff that we can talk about it we want, but just know. Once we commit to this, I am 💯 committed to you. I will always got you.

So you choose me? You want to be with me and I'm going to see you. We're going to be together. It's everything that I wanted.

That was your choice and then I took a little break. I relaxed. I did what I wanted to do instead of running around the entire city on foot and bus scrambling to make a couple of bucks for just one day I wanted to relax. I was happy. I said finally it's over so...

So because I relaxed for a couple of hours now it's a no?

It's better than I could ever write, but it speaks from my soul.

"What if we gave ourselves another chance-not by acting like nothing went wrong, but by learning from every mistake and growing closer because of it? I don't want to ignore the hurt; I want us to understand it and move forward stronger together. Let's let go of the pain without letting go of us. Let's wipe the tears, heal what was wounded, and rebuild something more powerful than what we had before. I still trust in us and in the love that keeps pulling us back together. You are my soulmate, my heart's favorite place, the one I always choose. I don't want a future without you in it-not today, not ever. Let's write a new chapter filled with more honesty, more patience, and deeper understanding."

I will always love you.

J

I don't know what the f*** is going on but someone is playing us. both sides. I don't know who, but they're trying to make me look bad and trying to make you look avoidant or whatever they're pretending to be each other someone's pretending to be you and they're also pretending to be me and I think there's more than one person. Maybe two or three but that's all I would really take.

But no one's ever going to believe me.

Too bad if you just talk to me like I've been asking a lot of this would be solved.

I really don't understand. I just don't. I'm telling you over and over again. What's going on with me? I'm being honest I'm being up front. I'm telling you how bad I am struggling right now. How evil my brother is but I'm not fragile. I'm at the end of my rope.

Everything that keeps happening to me. I can't say that it's a coincidence. It's got to be contrived. There's no other way and I don't know what to tell you to get you to believe me but right now I don't have any food. So I'm going to fix this guitar for this dude. I met at the bar. It should only take about half an hour. Then I'm going to take a shower.

I love you. I miss you