u/Bundess

I’m a 29M. My ex is 25F, undiagnosed but strong BPD traits. We’ve had a very intense, on-and-off, trauma-bonded relationship with extreme highs and equally extreme nervous-system crashes on my side.

The last 4 days I went through a real private crisis: full fight-flight, panic attacks, almost no sleep, constant hyperarousal and dread.

What struck me hard afterwards:
When you have a genuinely safe connection with a partner, your system naturally wants to move toward them in threat. They feel like the safe haven, the person who can help regulate you.

In my absolute worst moments I felt the opposite.
I had zero urge to call her, see her, or have her near me for comfort.

I actually felt aversion. She registered as a stress source, not safety.

I just wanted to handle it alone rather than be around her.

This feels important.

Even though the sexual and emotional intensity with her can be insane (complete surrender, extremely hot, obsessive chemistry), my nervous system clearly does not treat her as a safe base.

In crisis I don’t reach for her. I move away.

Has anyone else experienced this?

That the person you’re trauma-bonded to / intensely sexually connected with is the last person you want near you when you’re actually in panic or survival mode?

I’m starting to see this as a pretty clear signal on an unconscious level that the connection is not safe for me, no matter how strong the pull and the chemistry are.

Curious if this resonates with others here.

I’m 29M and I’ve struggled with anxiety and panic for a long time. I’ve been on antidepressants since I was around 18 because of an anxiety disorder, but I’ve been off them for some time now.

The last few weeks have been extremely stressful. My mother has been doing very badly with eating. She has lost a lot of weight, was taken away by ambulance and recently had surgery. I’m very close to my mother and she has always been a major source of safety for me.
At the same time, I’ve been dealing with a very problematic relationship situation, which has caused a lot of additional stress. Over time I started getting more and more physical anxiety symptoms, especially tingling in my hands and feet.

A few days ago everything came together. I had been out drinking and eventually became very drunk. At some point I was simply exhausted and decided to go home. On the way home, I happened to run into someone I knew who uses a lot of drugs. I have occasionally taken drugs before, but I don’t often use them, and honestly I don’t remember clearly how exactly everything happened that night, why I decided to take it, or how it ended up escalating the way it did. I ended up taking 3-MMC and staying awake until the early morning, after which I experienced intense panic.

The next day, my ex unexpectedly showed up at my door and there was more drama and stress around the situation. That added another huge amount of emotional pressure when I was already exhausted and panicking.

Since then I feel like my nervous system has been stuck in complete fight-or-flight mode.
It has now been about four days. The strange thing is that I have actually slept the last three nights. But every morning I wake up hoping that my body will finally have calmed down, and instead I still feel like I’m in some kind of constant survival mode.
I get strong heartbeats, physical tension, waves of panic, hot flashes, tingling, a strange/wazy feeling in my head and a constant feeling that I can’t switch off. I’ve also been eating very little for three days because my stomach feels completely activated.
I’ve tried walking, taking a shower, lying in bed, white noise, EFT tapping, podcasts, breathing exercises, sitting quietly and distracting myself. Sometimes I can actually become calm and lie down, but then another wave comes and it feels like I’m back at the beginning.

The scariest part is that I feel like something has completely overloaded or “burned out” in my nervous system and that I can’t switch it back into safety anymore.
Rationally I understand what is happening. I understand the fight-or-flight response and how anxiety can keep feeding itself. But knowing that intellectually doesn’t seem to be enough to make my body calm down.

My biggest fear is that this will become permanent. That my home won’t feel like home anymore, that I’ll go back into the anxiety problems I had years ago, or that I somehow broke something in myself.
My mother has always been the person I reached for when I felt unsafe. I did the same thing in the past when I had panic while travelling. Now I’m trying to learn how to deal with this without immediately needing her to make me feel safe.

But it’s incredibly difficult. Part of me wants to call her, another part of me feels like this is something I need to learn to carry myself.

I’ve already spoken to medical professionals and was told there was no emergency based on what I described. I was offered a calming medication but haven’t taken it. I’m not against professional help, but I’m wondering whether my body can eventually come down from this by itself.

Has anyone experienced several consecutive days of intense hyperarousal/panic like this, even while still sleeping? Did it eventually switch off? How did you get through the period where you were convinced something was seriously wrong or that it would never end?

I’m debating whether I should take the calming medication I was offered, increase my antidepressant dose again, or seek further medical support because I’m worried that something might actually be wrong.

I’ve also experienced some mild dizziness while walking, occasional moments where I feel almost high or “stoned,” and a strange, disconnected feeling in my head. I think it may be from dealing with this level of fear and hyperarousal for several days, but it’s honestly starting to scare me because I don’t know whether this is still anxiety or whether something else is going on.

At the same time, I feel like I need to stay strong and somewhat sit this one out, almost like exposure therapy, and teach my nervous system that I can feel this fear without immediately needing to escape or seek reassurance. But honestly, it’s getting increasingly difficult lol.

I’d just really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar and eventually came out the other side.

I don’t really know where to start. I’m genuinely worried about my mental and physical health.
Ever since the relationship ended, it feels like the stress has become hardwired into my nervous system.

It’s been two weeks since I last saw her. The only reason I saw her then was because she came to my house unannounced and showed up at my door. Before that, we had gone three weeks without any contact at all.

Even after weeks of distance, my nervous system hasn’t calmed down. If anything, it feels like it’s become even more sensitive, as if it’s constantly waiting for the next crisis or the next unexpected moment.

If my phone rings, I immediately feel a wave of anxiety, afraid it’s her.

If the doorbell rings, my heart starts racing because I’m scared she’s standing outside.

When I get an email notification, part of me fears it’s another message saying she’s in crisis or that she thinks she’s pregnant.

During the relationship, I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells.

I became hypervigilant.

I was always monitoring her mood, trying to predict what version of her I would get that day. If I followed the “script” perfectly, things would stay relatively calm. The moment I stepped outside that script, everything could explode.

The explosions were intense. There was hitting, squeezing, and other physical aggression.
Ironically, she always slept so peacefully next to me.
Looking back, I think it’s because I was carrying both of our emotional systems. I was constantly regulating, calming, reassuring, anticipating, and absorbing. There was never any room for my own emotions.

And no matter what I did, it was never enough.
The confusing part is that I miss her terribly.
My mind still longs for her, but my body seems to be screaming that it’s over.

I’ve been dealing with constant physical tension and even tingling in my feet. I’ve tried exercising, eating well, and taking care of myself, but even though I’m alone now, my body refuses to relax.

It honestly feels like something inside me has broken, and I’m scared I won’t recover from this.
In a few weeks I’m starting an amazing new job and a big step forward in my career. I should be excited, but instead I’m afraid I’ll fall apart because my body just doesn’t seem able to cope anymore.

I know that getting back together would probably just be a temporary bandage on an open wound. I know it wouldn’t actually solve the underlying problem.

But I also know that when we were together, my nervous system would at least calm down for a while, even if the relationship itself was hurting me.

Has anyone else experienced this strange split where your mind still wants the person, but your body feels like it can’t survive another round?

Did the hypervigilance eventually go away?
Right now I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.

Hey everyone,

I was doing relatively okay. Almost 3 weeks of no contact after a really toxic on-off relationship with my female ex (strong BPD traits, fear of abandonment, push-pull, the whole thing). I blocked her, and was trying to hold my boundary. This was actually going pretty well together with therapy. I started to feel more safe again in my own body.

Yesterday she started hoovering hard: anonymous calls, showed up at my house and stood there for multiple hours. I tried to stay quiet and not let her know I was home. Eventually she noticed me, started crying at the door, and I caved. She came inside, we talked, she cried more… and we ended up having sex.

Now I feel like absolute shit. Guilty, ashamed, weak, and back to square one. The worst part is that a part of me still feels the pull and misses the intensity, while another part is screaming “never again”.

The trauma bond is so strong and I hate it.

I don’t want this cycle anymore. I’m so tired of slipping every time she shows up crying or hoovers.

How do you guys deal with the guilt and self-loathing after a slip like this? How do you get back on track and actually hold the boundary when they physically show up at your door?

Any advice or words of encouragement would mean a lot right now. I feel like such a failure.

Thanks for reading.

Hi everyone,

I’m again a few weeks into no contact with my ex who has strong BPD traits. I wanted end it because the relationship was completely burning me out. The push-pull, chaos, control, and constantly walking on eggshells left me broken. I knew it was unhealthy, but now that it’s real and she’s quickly moved on to someone else, I’m in a heavy withdrawal.

I’m dealing with awful feelings: intense loneliness, feeling down and empty, sometimes panic when my phone rings (even if it’s just a friend). Thoughts like “is it better with the other guy?”, “is she enjoy the sex with the same passion we had” will she really fall in love and replace me for good?”, “will I hear from her again?” keep spinning in my head. At work I can barely concentrate, I feel down and depressed.
At first I wanted out, but now that it’s reality, I can hardly bear it. How do you all deal with these horrible feelings and process them without relapsing? How long did it take for you before it got a bit calmer?

I’m trying to stick to no contact and stay with myself, but sometimes it’s truly unbearable. Any tips or recognition is welcome.

Thanks.

Ffs… 2.5 years of an on-and-off relationship w my undiagnosed ex.
We had already broken up once before for about three months. I initiated it because I couldn’t take the chaos anymore. Eventually she called me from another number, and I fell for it. We got back together for another two months.

By then I noticed my body was completely broken.
Tingling feet.
Constant stomach issues.
It felt like my nervous system was on fire.
So much stress I genuinely thought I was heading for a burnout.

Well, she just monkey-branched.

She kept me close while lining up another guy, and even cheated on him with me.

I tried everything to end things with love and peace. She wouldn’t let me.
She kept seeing me every week while simultaneously looking for the next person to jump to.

I told her that if she wanted to try with someone else, she should. But not while keeping me around. She ignored that completely.

Instead, she pulled me back into the same rollercoaster over and over. Every time I tried to detach peacefully, she’d give me breadcrumbs and hope things might work out, only to pull the rug out from under me the next day.

One day she was crying, telling me she missed me, longed for me touching her, and wanted me to come over.

The next day I was cut off completely. Ice cold.
Eventually I was discarded like I meant nothing.

I feel used. Angry.

I hope this new situationship goes up in to flames and I get te relieve she comes back. Yet the inner conflict in me wants her to stay away. She done this multiple times. Why am I desperately in love with a woman who had intimacy with 5/6 guys during short breakups.. it’s disgusting. I feel like this time it might be different. I can’t even think of other woman sexually. I don’t understand it.

The new guy has no idea what I went through. As far as he knows, she’s just sorry things ended badly but “likes him.”

The moment she discarded me, I went no contact. No begging. No pleading.

She told me if I genuinely loved her, I should leave her alone. Like what the fuck she is the one who never did. How can you say such delusional things while initiating contact herself.

The week before the discarded she called me everyday.
The weekend prior I received 200 missed anonymous calls.

Like she is the one setting up a boundary out of “love” now that she has her next supply.

The part that scares me most is that I’ve stood at this crossroads so many times before.

My rational mind disappears, and the addiction to the relationship takes over.

Part of me desperately craves the relief of her coming back.

Another part of me feels disgusted by the idea.
And another part is terrified I’d get pulled right back into the same cycle.

Why does trauma bonding feel like this? It’s completely messed up.

The last 3 months where so difficult. I genuinely tried to separate. I don’t want to go through this again.. I’m tired boss.

2 weeks of NC I feel like going insane.

I’m trying to process a situation that has been really overwhelming for me mentally and emotionally, and I would appreciate some outside perspective.

The relationship lasted around 2.5 years. The last 6 months especially were marked by a very intense push-pull dynamic, with cycles of closeness, conflict, distance, and reconnection that became increasingly emotionally draining for me.

Whenever I tried to create distance, the pattern often looked like this:
She came to my place uninvited multiple times
She would call me in very intense waves (sometimes 100+ calls)
She would sometimes show up where I was or try to find me
There was a constant cycle of closeness followed by distance and conflict

At other moments, there would be very intense emotional connection between us again.

Last Friday she contacted me in a very emotional state. She was crying, saying she missed me and wanted me to come over. The emotional intensity was very high and sexual/romantic in nature.
I didn’t go at that moment and said I was tired. This led to more emotional escalation from her side.

The next day we still had hours of phone contact.
That evening, after I had been drinking with friends, I made the decision to go to her house. In hindsight, I understand that this was not a good decision. My judgment was impaired and I was still emotionally pulled into the situation.

When I arrived, she called the police. I was told I was not welcome and I left immediately without any resistance.

What I struggle with most is the extreme emotional contrast between very recent closeness and then suddenly being in a situation where I was seen as a threat.

Afterwards she contacted me in a very cold and distant way, saying I went too far and needed to take full responsibility. When I tried to explain that there has been a long pattern of mutual intensity and back-and-forth contact, she dismissed it as “different” because she is a woman.

For context, I have had two previous relationships and I have never experienced anything like this level of emotional intensity, instability, and push-pull dynamics.

I recognise my responsibility in going to her house. At the same time, I’ve found it very hard to emotionally process how quickly things shifted from intense connection to complete cutoff and police involvement.

There have been periods of no contact, but often it felt like there were strong cycles of re-engagement that pulled me back into the dynamic. Over time this has left me feeling emotionally confused and drained.

I also feel two conflicting things inside myself: on one hand I know I don’t want to continue this relationship, but on the other hand I struggle to fully let go and find myself pulled back in through emotional attachment and moments of intense connection.

I feel lost at the moment. I blame myself for going there.

Ik zit met een vraag over een concurrentie- en relatiebeding.

Ik werk momenteel twee jaar in een commerciële B2B-functie bij een grote Nederlandse werkgever. Ik ben benaderd en heb een aanbod gekregen van een ander groot internationaal bedrijf voor een New Business functie. Ik ben 28 jaar met 7 jaar sales ervaring.

De overstap betekent ongeveer:
€2.000/2500 bruto per maand meer salaris;
bonusregeling;
leaseauto;
meer verantwoordelijkheid en doorgroeimogelijkheden.

De nieuwe functie is primair gericht op het binnenhalen van nieuwe klanten (new business) en niet op het beheren of overnemen van bestaande klanten.

In mijn contract staat een concurrentiebeding van 12 maanden en daarnaast een relatiebeding. Dat relatiebeding verbiedt mij om gedurende 12 maanden werkzaam te zijn voor relaties van mijn huidige werkgever, waaronder klanten, leveranciers en prospects van de afgelopen 3 jaar.

Wat mogelijk relevant is:
Ik heb ook een geheimhoudingsbeding.
Ik ben niet van plan klantgegevens, prijsinformatie of andere vertrouwelijke informatie mee te nemen.

Diverse collega’s zijn in het verleden vertrokken naar vergelijkbare bedrijven en zelfs directe concurrenten.

Het gaat voor mij om een forse carrière- en salarissprong.

Mijn vragen:
-Hoe groot achten jullie de kans dat een werkgever hier daadwerkelijk bezwaar tegen maakt?

-Hoe sterk staat een werkgever doorgaans met een relatiebeding dat zo breed is geformuleerd?

-Speelt een salarisstijging van ongeveer €2.000 per maand en een duidelijke carrièrestap mee in de belangenafweging?

-Heeft het feit dat de functie gericht is op new business (en niet op het meenemen van bestaande klanten) juridisch gewicht?

-Zijn er mensen die een vergelijkbare situatie hebben meegemaakt en hoe liep dat af?

Alle inzichten zijn welkom.

Hi everyone,

I (28M) have been trying for over half a year to move on from my undiagnosed ex (24F). We have been together for 2+ years.

We broke up about 5 months ago. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, not because I didn’t love her, but because the emotional chaos became too much for me.

The relationship was very intense:
- constant emotional ups and downs
- arguments over relatively small things escalating quickly
- trust issues
- and in some conflicts she would hit or pinch me

At some point my body and mind just couldn’t handle it anymore, and I ended the relationship to protect my mental health.

After about 3 months of no contact, I started feeling physically and emotionally better. My stress symptoms reduced and I genuinely started feeling like I was moving on.

Then she started reaching out again.

At first it was calls, wanting to meet up, lots of intensity, very “all or nothing” behavior. I got curious again, and we slowly ended up in contact again.

For about a month we had a situationship-type dynamic without a label, but it didn’t feel stable. I noticed I was again walking on eggshells and my stress symptoms came back (muscle twitching, tingling feet, stomach issues).

So I ended it again and cut contact.

But she kept coming back into my life periodically with the same pattern: flirting, intensity, then distance.

Recently she told me she was dating another guy. I was actually okay with it and tried to step back and close things off. I told her that if she wants to pursue him, that’s her choice, but then she should leave me alone emotionally.

Despite that, she kept contacting me every now and then.

Two weeks ago we still had sex.

Then a few days ago she started calling me repeatedly from unknown numbers. When I picked up, she asked me a strange question about whether we had safe sex the last time we were together, even though she already knew we used protection. It felt like an excuse to reconnect and test the situation.

After that there was more push-pull behavior again.
Yesterday she suddenly asked if she could come over. Against my better judgment, I agreed. We had a really nice evening at first, very familiar and intimate, and I started feeling hope again.

When we arrived at my place she immediately became physical and started kissing me, but shortly after she pulled away again and started saying contradictory things: that she was confused, that she loved me, then that it wouldn’t work.

My emotions were all over the place.

Eventually she admitted she had recently had sex with the other guy she is dating.

I asked her why she was even here then.

Things became very emotionally intense and unstable again.

In the morning she switched between sexual intimacy, crying, saying she didn’t feel good, and then seeking closeness again.

At one point she told me she had unprotected sex with that guy, which was especially confusing because she had previously been worried about safety with me.

Eventually she left and we didn’t have sex.
Right now I feel completely emotionally drained and confused.

I feel like I’m back at square one.

I also can’t shake the feeling that I’m being pulled back into a cycle where she keeps the door open with me while also seeing someone else.

I don’t really know how to interpret this anymore or how to break out of it.

Hi everyone,

I’ve been feeling pretty stuck mentally about my work situation lately and I’m curious how others see this, especially people who have been in sales/account management longer.

I’ve been working for almost 2 years at a large corporate company, but within a smaller branch/division of the business. Around 50 people work at the office. During that short time, management has already changed twice, and the atmosphere often feels like everyone is mainly focused on “reporting upwards” and covering themselves. Almost like a constant survival mode.

On top of that, the bonus system was removed without much real consultation, which hit morale pretty hard. There’s also a pretty toxic atmosphere with dominant colleagues who are extremely involved in each other’s business. My old manager also felt very fake and double-faced, like someone who always had another agenda behind the scenes. A lot of political behavior.

I’ve since transferred to another team where the collaboration is better, but it still doesn’t really change the broader culture of the company.

This is my first real account manager role after finishing my bachelor’s degree. Before this, I worked about a year in field sales for a producer/wholesaler, and overall I now have around 3 years of account management experience and about 5–7 years in sales total.

What makes it difficult:
- I get paid well for my age (I make around 100k a year)
- I like the independence and freedom that comes with account management
- But the constant reporting across multiple documents/systems drains me
- We constantly hear how bad the numbers are
- The distributor/wholesale industry feels heavily under pressure due to low margins etc.

Because of that, it sometimes feels like I’m stuck in an environment where everyone is just constantly firefighting.

So I’m wondering:
- Is this just what corporate sales/wholesale is like?
- Or am I simply working at an unhealthy company?
- Is this a phase you have to go through in your first serious corporate job?
- Or is this actually a sign to start looking elsewhere while I’m still relatively young?
- Curious to hear experiences from people who’ve worked in similar environments or eventually moved away from it.

Hoi allemaal,

Ik zit een beetje vast in mijn hoofd over mijn werk en ben benieuwd hoe anderen hiernaar kijken, vooral mensen die langer in sales/accountmanagement zitten.

Ik werk nu bijna 2 jaar bij een grote corporate organisatie, maar wel binnen een kleinere tak van het bedrijf. Op kantoor werken ongeveer 50 mensen. In die korte tijd is het management al 2 keer veranderd en de sfeer voelt vaak alsof iedereen vooral bezig is met “naar boven rapporteren” en zichzelf indekken. Een soort constante overlevingsmodus.

Daarnaast is het bonus­systeem zonder echt goed overleg geschrapt, wat bij veel mensen slecht gevallen is. Er hangt sowieso een vrij toxische sfeer met dominante collega’s die zich extreem veel met elkaar bemoeien. Mijn oude manager voelde ook heel dubbel; zo iemand waarbij je merkt dat er een masker op zit en dat er achter de schermen een andere agenda speelt. Veel politiek gedrag.

Ik ben inmiddels overgestapt naar een ander team waar de samenwerking gelukkig prettiger is, maar dat verandert voor mijn gevoel niet echt het bredere stramien van het bedrijf.

Dit is mijn eerste “echte” accountmanagerfunctie na mijn HBO. Daarvoor heb ik al ongeveer 1 jaar buitendienst gedaan bij een producent/groothandel en in totaal zit ik nu rond de 3 jaar accountmanagementervaring en 5–7 jaar saleservaring.

Wat ik lastig vind:
- Ik verdien voor mijn leeftijd best goed (ongeveer €4000 per maand).
- Ik vind de vrijheid en zelfstandigheid van accountmanagement fijn.
- Maar ik word moe van het constante rapporteren in allerlei documenten en systemen.
- Er wordt continu benadrukt hoe slecht de cijfers zijn.
- De hele distributeur/groothandelwereld voelt momenteel alsof die enorm onder druk staat door lage marges etc.

Daardoor voelt het soms alsof ik in een uitzichtloze omgeving zit waar iedereen vooral brandjes aan het blussen is.

Ik twijfel daarom:
- Is dit gewoon hoe corporate sales/groothandel werkt?
- Of zit ik simpelweg bij een ongezond bedrijf?
Is dit een fase waar je doorheen moet in je eerste serieuze baan?
- Of is dit juist een teken om verder te kijken nu ik nog relatief jong ben?
- Ik ben benieuwd hoe anderen dit ervaren hebben, vooral mensen die langer in sales/accountmanagement zitten of ooit uit zo’n omgeving zijn gestapt.